There is a growing trend for people to be buried with their cell phones.


This idea appeals to me on many levels. Obviously I'd want a phone in my casket just in case I pop back to life. Although I'm fairly certain that if I wake up in a casket I would be able to scream through six feet of dirt, I'd still want a phone as a backup.

You might argue that the embalming fluid would eliminate any chance of going back to work on Monday. And the fact I specified cremation in my will reduces the odds of waking up in a casket. But I am cautious by nature when it comes to issues such as being buried alive. There is a non-zero chance my last wishes are misinterpreted then the undertaker runs out of embalming fluid and decides to fake it, and my purported death is nothing but an extra good nap. It could happen, and I want a phone. I also want an outlet and a charger. And I want my casket to be at least 2,000 square feet with 10-foot ceilings, ventilation, good lighting, and a bathroom. So yes, I get the whole cell phone thing.

I'm sure my readers realize this trend creates an opportunity for some world class pranks. Begin by pretending you are putting the deceased person's cell phone in the casket and then pocket it. Later you can call the relatives of the departed and ask questions such as "How's the weather out there?" You might accuse the living of being too hasty about dividing up your possessions. Tell them you have befriended some worms but you are concerned they are up to no good. If they ask how you are doing, say everything was fine until you farted. There's no end to the comedic opportunities.

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-1 Rank Up Rank Down
Dec 19, 2008
If the dead person has the right kind of phone, you can just steal the SIM card, and leave them with a useless phone in the casket. This is especially good if you didn't really care for the deceased because they might wake up in the casket thinking they can call for help, only to find they were buried with an inert bit of plastic and wires - though one with a good battery. Then, you can use their SIM card to make calls to all your distant "friends" in Kerplakistan (or perhaps Elbonia). 2 pranks for the effort of 1!
Dec 19, 2008
When you know you're close to death, take a pic on your camera-phone of yourself with a couple of hookers wearing angel wings. Then get buried with a decoy-phone, and after the funeral have a friend send the pic around from your number with the message "Guys, heaven is GREAT!".
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Dec 19, 2008
How can your editors miss that "slapping the goat" thing? I got it, and I'm from England and had never heard the phrase before. Honestly!
Dec 18, 2008

One of my biggest disappointments in 2007 was that you forgot (or willfully neglected) to do a weasel poll. I finally had a solid entry for "weaseliest country".

We´re nearing the end of another year, and I still haven´t seen you call for entries for ¨weasel of the year 2008". Are your weasel polls history, or will there still be one for 2008?
Dec 18, 2008
From what I've read "tissue digestion" or "water reduction" is friendlier for the environment, however, I have to ask why not donate your body to science?
Some institutions will even cremate your remains at their expense and give your ashes back to your loved ones… after the body has been studied of course.
Dec 18, 2008
A couple of thoughts.

1. People who want to be buried with their cell phones are going to hell so they need a model that can stand the heat.
2. If you pocket the dead persons phone you can make all the calls you want because the relative paying the bill will get one phone call from God saying that all future calls are between him and the dead person.
3. Once the dead person is buried with the phone you could sell the cell phone number to an outsourcer as a help desk phone number but with better service than India.
4. Burying cell phones with the dead will greatly enhance Verizon Wireless's business because who is going to buried with an out of date phone. Next thing you know there will be cell phone kiosks at the funeral home.
5. if you are a busy person you could text message the dead person wishing them a happy here after life without attending the funeral.
Dec 18, 2008
I'm dead set against this idea.
+5 Rank Up Rank Down
Dec 18, 2008
How about this - Bury the guy with his phone, but leave it on. And put in a ring tone of someone who sounds at least a little like the dearly departed shouting, "HEY! LET ME OUT! IT'S DARK IN HERE. THIS IS NOT FUNNY! C'MON, I WAS JUST NAPPING..."

Then call during the service. Actually, I might leave those instructions in my will and record my own ring tone. Always leave them wanting more...

+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Dec 18, 2008
Yes. You'd certainly need an antenna extender.

And if you get cremated, then a non-metallic jar. Also a heat proof phone. ;-)
Dec 18, 2008
Adds a whole new meaning to the term "dead ringer".
Dec 18, 2008
I suggest we bury the humourless with phones and test. :D
Dec 18, 2008
The signal would have trouble penetrating 6 feet of soil and a casket. The end.
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