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Did you see the story about the Brazilian soccer fan that threw a toilet from the stands and killed another fan? As the article says, there are "many questions to be answered." I'd like to get the ball rolling with a few questions of my own.

For starters, did the perpetrator bring his own toilet to the game or did he run into the restroom and rip a toilet out of the floor when the situation called for it? If it's the former, I have a lot of respect for his time management. If it's the latter, I'd like to know what herbal supplements he's taking. Some mornings I can barely dislodge a few sheets of toilet paper from the mother roll. If that guy ripped a toilet out of the floor with his bare hands, I need to start eating whatever he's eating. I'm thinking spinach and quinoa, but that's just a guess.

I wonder if the perpetrator considered and rejected other ideas before settling on throwing the toilet. I only ask because one of my rules of thumb is that whenever my best idea is murder-by-toilet, I take that as a sign that I should keep thinking of options. For example, before I created Dilbert, the only idea I could come up with involved killing a stranger with a toilet. Now I'm glad I stuck with my brainstorming a little longer.

The news report didn't include details, so we don't know if anyone was on the toilet when it was thrown. You might be thinking that no one could throw a toilet with a person on it. But you probably thought no one could rip a toilet out of the floor or carry one to a game and get it through security? Maybe it's time to admit that you don't know as much about toilet throwing as you think you do.

This toilet murder hits close to home for me because my greatest fear as a cartoonist is dying in a way that makes it easy to write an ironic headline. For example, I don't want to be stabbed to death by a clown. And when I see a banana peel on the sidewalk I cross the street. But that's a risky strategy too because if I get hit by a car the headlines will be "Why did the cartoonist cross the street?"

I don't think I'm alone in this fear. I'll bet Prince William worries about being killed by a toilet. The tabloid headlines would be:  "Royal Flush!" Or "Harry, You're in!" or "Future Monarch Killed by Poop and Circumstance." I could go on, but I think you'll agree there's a downside to being killed by a toilet.

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Scott Adams

Co-founder of CalendarTree.com

Author of this book.

 



 

 

 
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0 Rank Up Rank Down
May 15, 2014
Very funny! More please!
 
 
May 9, 2014
Another detail missing: did he wash his hands afterwards?

What a dreadful state of affairs: it clearly indicates a cistern-failure.
 
 
May 8, 2014
Throne Thrown, Crowns Prince
 
 
+12 Rank Up Rank Down
May 7, 2014
"William loses Game of Throwns"
 
 
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
May 7, 2014
Posting redux: I forgot about that effing nanny censor...
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Shouldn't that be "No-Future Monarch Killed by Poop and Circ_umstance"?

Otherwise:

"Harry Fails to Escape Playing Bill"
"Also-Ran Finishes First"
"William Has Crappy Day"
"King's Gong Show Goes Wrong"
"Maniac Trumps Monarch"
 
 
0 Rank Up Rank Down
May 7, 2014
Shouldn't that be "No-Future Monarch Killed by Poop and !$%*!$%*!$%*!$%*!$%*!$%*!$%*!$%*!$%*!$ Fails to Escape Playing Bill"
"Also-Ran Finishes First"
"William Has Crappy Day"
"King's Gong Show Goes Wrong"
"Maniac Trumps Monarch"
 
 
0 Rank Up Rank Down
May 7, 2014
I am wondering if there was a sign with explicitly written

"it is prohibited to throw toilets seats on to other guests"

in Italy, anyway, you can get through security in a Football Stadion with guns, Napalm, tanks, USA stealth aeroplanes, and Pizza as far as I know...
 
 
May 6, 2014
ok, this woman didn't die (thankfully, less anyone think I'm more sociopathic than I actually am) but if she had which would be worse, falling toilet or duck attack? and how awesome would it be if she were an AFLAC executive?

http://www.cnn.com/2014/05/06/opinion/cevallos-aggressive-duck-lawsuit/index.html
 
 
+12 Rank Up Rank Down
May 6, 2014
Excellent post. Although, it has to be said it doesn't take a lot to rip the toilet bowl from the floor (or the wall) if it's made of porcelain. Two or three shakes left and right and it's out. The biggest problem is that you have to put your head dangerously close to it. That's the part that impresses me the most, since it's obviously a public toilet.
 
 
+6 Rank Up Rank Down
May 6, 2014
Phantom II: "I was going on to say that Brazil is hosting the World Cup in a few weeks, and everyone there is worried that there are going to be many riots and probably more than a few deaths. "

At least this way they get a warning and can go and check the state of the grout on the remaining fixtures.
 
 
+3 Rank Up Rank Down
May 6, 2014
Rockeye: "My greatest fear for years is to die in a way that people laugh at over on Fark."

Really? My greatest fear is the opposite - dying in a way that nobody notices and doesn't get reported anywhere.
 
 
May 6, 2014
I recall that when William was born, Boy George was doing well in the charts and the local papers commented that the new next-in-line was not named George in order to avoid some unflattering newspaper headlines. However, the name runs in the family and in fact William's son is named George.
 
 
+16 Rank Up Rank Down
May 6, 2014
Harry killed by John.
 
 
May 5, 2014
"one of my rules of thumb is that whenever my best idea is murder-by-toilet, I take that as a sign that I should keep thinking of options."

That should be a famous quote. Sound advice we all should live by.
 
 
+3 Rank Up Rank Down
May 5, 2014
My greatest fear for years is to die in a way that people laugh at over on Fark.
 
 
May 5, 2014
My guess is that the "bowl" description just means that a water tank was not attached. Probably flies better without the tank.
 
 
May 5, 2014
So it was toilet thrower - 1, toilet catcher - 0. Sounds like a soccer score.
 
 
May 5, 2014
Flexing your humor muscles, Scott? I'm impressed and humbled.
 
 
May 5, 2014
sorry Scott, but I seriously doubt that toilet ripper/thrower was a vegetarian. Nice try though.
 
 
May 5, 2014
You would save yourself a lot of time thinking if you read the news report carefully: toilet BOWL, not toilet.

BTW, I hear you eat little kids for breakfast?
 
 
 
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