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The other night I couldn't get to sleep. The problem was that I was sharing the bed with a wife, two cats, and a dog. The only position left for me would have looked like the chalk outline at a murder scene. I decided that one of the mammals needed to be moved. I was groggy from sleep deprivation, but even in that debilitated state I knew the wrong answers were (in this orders): wife, cat 1, cat 2. A good night of sleep isn't worth a bite wound.

I figured moving the dog was my best chance of not regretting this plan. She's a 12-pound toy Australian Shepherd and always in a good mood. When she's sleepy you can mold her into any position you like, Gumby-style. My idea was to bring her up toward my chest, with her back to my stomach, spoon position. Then I could turn sideways, insert my special small knee pillow between my legs and be good to go.

It was totally dark so I was operating by touch. I reached down and pulled little Snickers up to my chest, adjusted my blankets and pillows, and started settling in for a luxurious snooze. I love it when a plan comes together like that.
Few things are more soothing than sleeping with a warm puppy. I decided to use the dog as sort of a little pillow for my snout. It felt wonderful to snuggle my nose in between her ear and her neck area. She was totally unconscious so she took any position I assigned. It was great, but perhaps one more adjustment would make it perfect. I decided to put one arm around her and slip my hand under her head, just to get extra comfy. But there was just one problem.

HER HEAD WAS MISSING!

I was panicked, feeling around in the dark for where she must have contorted her head to make it so far from where I knew it had to be. I slipped my hand under my pillow and felt around, nothing. I checked to see if I was accidentally lying on her head: negative. Her head just wasn't there. In my half-asleep state, I worried that a horrible accident had happened during the night, possibly involving a circular saw. I realize that sounds unlikely to you, but keep in mind that my own snoring doesn't wake me, and I did have a headless dog.

I'm sure many of you readers are ahead of me on this story. Eventually I realized her head was on the other side of her body, exactly where it belonged. I had been snuggling my face into my dog's ass.

So that's how my 2009 started. I'm really hoping it isn't some sort of omen.
 
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+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Jan 4, 2009
Thank you - this is just what I needed to get me going for my first day back in the office! I laughed so much, I cried. Then I sent a link to everyone I know.

All the best for 2009 to you and your family (including dog, cats and other wildlife)!
 
 
Jan 4, 2009
I went to get a US business visa today - backed with company letters, letters of invitation from the US counterparts, form duly filled, travel itinerary showing I was not going to stay for more than week !

Still - for some unknown reason the lady behind the counter said she wants to conduct a full profile check on me !!! that would take 2 months and since I had to travel within this week - they decided not to approve my visa application. I asked her if I missed out on some documentation. She said, no - all documentation is present and that she could understand the company's motivation to send me to US.. Still, she said she wants a full profile verification to be conducted on me !!!

Why me ???? Why ???? I had all the documentation in place. I was backed by my company - a US handphone giant! ( well, not so much now - but I am sure it will bounce back )

I am an Indian national, there were other Indian nationals who looked more conspicuous than me and with stupid reasons to go to US - like to go see Disneyland !!!

So why was I singled out ??? I look decent ( I think !). I had !$%*!$% worn a nice ironed shirt. prim and proper. The only reason I can think of is that the lady behind the counter just didn't get the warm - fuzzy feeling while talking to me - the kind of feeling you get when you snuggle with a dog.

So here is my question: What is the code of conduct you should follow at the US embassy to generate that warm fuzzy feeling in the person interviewing you. The kind of feeling that would make him/her wanna adopt you and give you an immigrant visa even though you applied for a non-immigrant one ?

Dogbert/Scott - can any one of you help ?

Very Sincerely,
Rohan
 
 
Jan 4, 2009
Scott, you are starting to sound like Dave Barry. You will be writing a weekly column before you know it!
 
 
Jan 4, 2009
Rofl. Actually made me laugh out loud here, then had to go tell my mom the story. She thinks it's an omen. ;)
 
 
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Jan 4, 2009
Happy new year Scott Adams, from Singapore!
I read your blog and comic strip everyday, and always look forward to your wondrous humour and wit!
I'm planning to do up my new office with your strips on the walls, and dogbert plushies on my desk! (let me know if you sell that eh?)
 
 
Jan 3, 2009
I could not stop laughing when I read this.
 
 
Jan 3, 2009
Funniest post of the day by far!!!
 
 
Jan 3, 2009
This is a very common phenomenon. It is called being on the wrong side of the horse.

Ken
 
 
Jan 3, 2009
Well, dogs lick their own butts, and then give you kisses. Kudos to you for optimizing that process by eliminating the un-necessary interim steps.
 
 
+4 Rank Up Rank Down
Jan 3, 2009
I laughed so hard that milk came out of my nose.

And I didn't even have any milk today. Gross.

 
 
Jan 2, 2009
I laughed out loud. Did you think 'At least this will give me something to blog about'.
 
 
Jan 2, 2009
I was sure the story was going to end with you realising you were snuggling the knee pillow and the dog was between your legs.
 
 
Jan 2, 2009
Laughter is the best medicine, and I just overdosed.
 
 
Jan 2, 2009
That happens to me all the time, but I've never jumped to such an insane conclusion. I just think, "Oh, wrong end," and sort of move away slightly.
 
 
Jan 2, 2009
years ago I was suddenly/unextectedly awoken to find our cat sitting on my chest making the pre-hairball sound (not the actual "core ejection", the violent Heimlich maneuver gone wrong one they make several times before the actual act). like you, my brain hadn't quite spun up to enough RPMs to reconize the impending before it was too late...
 
 
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Jan 2, 2009
Puppy Butt!
 
 
+3 Rank Up Rank Down
Jan 2, 2009
Nearly fell off my chair laughing at this.

Did you ever wake up with a hand bending around the pillow beside you in the bed? - that you assume is yours, until you find you can't move it or feel anything in it when you touch it with your head, only to find that your original assumption was correct, but only after you've screamed your head off at the offending apparently dismembered limb, which was merely asleep all along?
No me neither.
 
 
Jan 2, 2009
We had three miniature doxies. They located themselves in a line between us on top of the bed covers. Now they are small dogs right? Try getting to your partner through them. We have been divorced now for 15 years…..Zzzzzzzzzzz.
 
 
Jan 2, 2009
Shoulda gotten a dog with a tail.
 
 
Jan 2, 2009
So is this new dog of your called Dogbert?
Are the cats Catbert?
I think we should be told.
 
 
 
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