The other night I couldn't get to sleep. The problem was that I was sharing the bed with a wife, two cats, and a dog. The only position left for me would have looked like the chalk outline at a murder scene. I decided that one of the mammals needed to be moved. I was groggy from sleep deprivation, but even in that debilitated state I knew the wrong answers were (in this orders): wife, cat 1, cat 2. A good night of sleep isn't worth a bite wound.

I figured moving the dog was my best chance of not regretting this plan. She's a 12-pound toy Australian Shepherd and always in a good mood. When she's sleepy you can mold her into any position you like, Gumby-style. My idea was to bring her up toward my chest, with her back to my stomach, spoon position. Then I could turn sideways, insert my special small knee pillow between my legs and be good to go.

It was totally dark so I was operating by touch. I reached down and pulled little Snickers up to my chest, adjusted my blankets and pillows, and started settling in for a luxurious snooze. I love it when a plan comes together like that.
Few things are more soothing than sleeping with a warm puppy. I decided to use the dog as sort of a little pillow for my snout. It felt wonderful to snuggle my nose in between her ear and her neck area. She was totally unconscious so she took any position I assigned. It was great, but perhaps one more adjustment would make it perfect. I decided to put one arm around her and slip my hand under her head, just to get extra comfy. But there was just one problem.


I was panicked, feeling around in the dark for where she must have contorted her head to make it so far from where I knew it had to be. I slipped my hand under my pillow and felt around, nothing. I checked to see if I was accidentally lying on her head: negative. Her head just wasn't there. In my half-asleep state, I worried that a horrible accident had happened during the night, possibly involving a circular saw. I realize that sounds unlikely to you, but keep in mind that my own snoring doesn't wake me, and I did have a headless dog.

I'm sure many of you readers are ahead of me on this story. Eventually I realized her head was on the other side of her body, exactly where it belonged. I had been snuggling my face into my dog's ass.

So that's how my 2009 started. I'm really hoping it isn't some sort of omen.
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Jan 2, 2009
Happy New Year! You made me laugh.
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Jan 2, 2009
Thank you Scott for sharing this -- I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. As a dog owner I can totally relate!
Jan 2, 2009
Mankodaisuki -

I once lived in a tiny apt with paper thin walls. On one side lived a quiet, cheerful single lady who I became casual freinds with. On the other side, a single male librarian with a very noisy new girlfriend. Newly separated, and alone, I found this distressing on a number of levels. One morning, I was telling my quiet neighbor about how especially noisy (and enduring) the girlfriend had been the night before. She laughed and revealed that it had actually been her and her new boyfriend.
Jan 2, 2009
Given the !$%*!$%*!$ kink you've shown repeatedly on your jokes on this blog, this doesn't surprise me at all.
Jan 2, 2009
This reminds me of a similar story *cue blurry flashback sequence*. When I was a teenager my cat and dog usually slept on my bed. One night awoke to the unmistakeable sound of an animal retching. I frantically searched for the dog in hopes of getting him to a cleanable surface. When i found him, he was fast asleep in a corner. The sound continued and got more urgent. I looked for the cat. He wasn't on or under the bed. I finally found him curled up in the laundry basket fast asleep. The sound got louder and louder. Did some critter sneak into my room with sole purpose of puking somewhere hard to clean? I realized the sound was coming from outside and I looked out. I couldn't see anything so I got a flashlight. After a quick scan, I saw no animal. The sound had been going for about 5 minutes. Was this critter giving birth to a kidney stone? I then heard OOOOOOOOOOOH GOOOOOOOD!
I realized that the neighbors had left the windows open while they were doing the wild thing.
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