Jul 25, 2008 General Nonsense |
I have not spent much time around dogs, so our new puppy is quite a learning experience. For example, I have learned to exist in a sleepless stupor that is neither living nor dead. My IQ has dropped about 60 points and I find myself forming strong opinions on topics I don't understand.

Puppies are essentially little factories that take in small pellets and convert the raw material into barking and poop. My job, as foreman of the factory, is to make sure the output happens in the designated grassy area. I'm sure I would have gotten a bad performance review yesterday, as little Snickers delivered a pallet of product behind the dining room table and decided it was a chew toy. I got the roll of paper towels, placed it near the hazardous waste area, and left to get my hazmat suit and chemicals. This was a mistake. When I returned, one minute later, the roll of paper towels had been beavered into confetti. The dining room floor looked like New Year's Eve in Times Square, assuming the mirrored ball is actually an exploding turd.

I have watched enough episodes of The Dog Whisperer to know that I must establish myself as the alpha dog. I do this by trying not to cry when she bites me. I think it is working. Yesterday when she took me for a walk, I saw a leaf and didn't pick it up with my mouth. And I'm getting used to wearing the harness.

I had no idea that a dog would become the organizing principle for the household. From now on, all decisions are based on what is best for the dog. I was already lowest on the family hierarchy behind my wife, kids, and cats. This latest demotion stings. I have tried to adjust to the situation by merging in my mind the concept "what I want to do" with the concept "things that won't happen." My strategy is to wait it out. A dog lives what, 15 years? I tell myself I can do that time standing on my head. Wearing a harness.
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Dec 19, 2008

Yes, dogs do change your life, generally much for the better. Still, you have not lived until you've pulled tinsel from your dog's rear-end.

Merry Christmas!
Aug 26, 2008
The next time Snickers takes you for a walk, go out a few !$%*! then unleash him. Remember that old saying, "Turn it loose. If it loves you, it will return. If it doesn't, you get your life back...."
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Jul 28, 2008
Seriously, if you take it to obedience training, it will recognize you as the Alpha dog.

And don't forget - four bags for walks! One always rips.
Jul 27, 2008
You'll eventually grow to love the dog. Unless it bites you all the time, dogs usually grow on people.
Jul 27, 2008

Poor Scott. It appears that no one told him that getting a puppy is like having a baby except:
a) a puppy arrives at your house like a two year old hopped-up on CoCoa Puffs.
2) a baby will eventually be potty trained and make a sincere effort to abide by the potty rules. A puppy can be trained, but will break the rules to piss you off.
III) Please refer to Dave Barry's blog for references to point 3.
D. a puppy will never ask for the car keys or tutition to a private liberal arts college on the east coast, but your vet has a garage filled with German sports cars.
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Jul 27, 2008
Please post a picture of Snickers
Jul 27, 2008
This was probably one of the funniest things I've ever read on here. I love the use of the term "beavered" and the comparison of the scene in your dining room to New Years at Times Square with an exploding turd instead of the mirrored ball!
Jul 26, 2008
Ahhhh, good reasons that I have cats. I love dogs, but I have nothing like the time and attention to spare that I would have to devote to a puppy. Hopefully that will change someday.
Jul 26, 2008
Enjoy. You'll soon discover how nice it is to come home when there is one family member who is always glad to see you.
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Jul 26, 2008
Good to see a man who knows his place in the world....behind a small furry excrement-factory named after a candy bar (or possibly what people do behind his back).
Now, isn't this the lifestyle of the rich and famous that you used to dream about?

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Jul 26, 2008
To me this sounds as a ranting by the happiest person in the world.

Anyway - how your cats treat the dog?
Jul 26, 2008
Snickers? So you mean you DIDN'T name it Dogbert???
Jul 26, 2008
Ahahahaha Now you know how things work about canine life human being:-)
That's it:-) You're such a smart and heaps of fun human being, that I'm definitely sure you'll post great thoughts and experiences about your brand new life with the Dog Master!:-P
Thank you for your humour and art!

Jul 25, 2008

Now is that a Cognitive, Normative or an Esthetic Abstraction?

To say the least, it is derogatory to anything that humans call Abstractions!
Jul 25, 2008
I find your consistent funniness mildly disturbing. I mean, you take a topic like this and turn it into something giggle worthy.

I'd offer advice but I know nothing about dogs. Then again, I know nothing about kids and I had two of those anyway.
Jul 25, 2008
I've always noticed that dog owners seem about 60 points less intelligent than the rest of the human race, and I've always assumed that you needed to be stupid to buy a dog. Perhaps your experience shows that everyone starts on the same ground. Other comments confirm that small dogs keep you stupid permanently.
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Jul 25, 2008
I'm pretty up front about that fact that I run my own life and am quite adamant that it will remain that way regardless of romantic entanglements. Yes, it keeps me single a lot of the time... but on the up side, I'm not obligated to a freakin' poodle.

I'd say I come out ahead in that trade. Or at least ahead of you, Scott. :)
Jul 25, 2008
Makes the cat's kitty litter look pretty good, huh?

Have your wife train the puppy. Men are like puppies and you have to know how to train them -- she will know what to do to whip that baby into shape. It worked on you, right?

Rita Mae
Jul 25, 2008
I feel your pain. We adopted a puppy, foolishly thinking we knew what we were getting into. HA! Fortunately the puppy period passes and we now thoroughly enjoy having our dog around. I hope you have a similar or better experience with your new family member.

I would strongly recommend getting him trained ASAP. There's a dog training business called Bark Busters with trainers all over the country. The training is non-violent and you get a guarantee for the life of the dog. Their website is www.barkbusters.com if you're interested.

Oh, and Nature's Miracle is also a good solution to use on bodily secretion stains. You just want to make sure that whatever you use has enzymes to break down the scent.

Good Luck!
Jul 25, 2008
In your previous dog post, I commented on my adventures in housebreaking. I believe I mentioned the bed incident. Well, there is a sequel. Less than a week ago, I was putting the pillow case back on the pillow after washing it. While I was doing so, my dog jumped up on the bed, squated, and looked at me. I was not amused; as a single guy, I don't own many sheets. I may go out and buy more.

Two days later, I was at the movies seeing the Dark Knight with a coworker. When I got back, my dog had jumped over the baby gate that kept her in a small portion of the bathroom. Unfortunately, she had left an accident (accident or purpose?) just in front of it and had to jump on it repeatedly in order to make the jump over the gate. It took me 15-20 minutes to clean it up. I can't be more accurate as I blanked some of it out.

As a result, she a) has free run of the bathroom and b) I picked up some dog litter, hoping I would have an easier time with that. Too bad she doesn't like the stand on it, though she does seem to think it tastes good. I may try cat litter. Some dogs like it.
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