Yesterday I spent several hours at a photo shoot. The photographer was an award-winning top-of-his-field professional with an almost supernatural sense of visual rightness. At one point he was taking some profile shots of me and I mentioned that I thought I had a "good side" but couldn't remember which one it was. So he had me face left, then right. As soon as I turned right he said, "It's that one." No hesitation. No doubt about it.

I find this to be an inconvenient sort of knowledge. For the rest of my life, every time I talk to someone I will want to cheat my face toward the good side. I will never again make eye contact unless it by peripheral vision. In the interest of public safety I will only walk on the side of the street that puts my good side toward traffic.

I feel like a hunchback who doesn't want anyone standing behind him because he knows people will stare at his hump. I fear people will be looking at my ugly side and wondering if it is the first sign of swine flu.  

I'm thinking of getting an eye patch for my ugly eye. Then I'll put in a Bluetooth headset to disguise my ugly ear hole. I considered wearing a hat to hide the upper part of my ugly head but it would be rude to wear a hat indoors. My best bet is to convert to a religion that requires a turban and doesn't have an issue with mutton chop sideburns on one side.

If I put it all together just right it will be a look. On one side I will be an unnaturally handsome cartoonist, just like always, but my ugly side will be transformed into an Elvis pirate Sikh theme with just a hint of douche bag cell phone user. I'm sort of an artist, so I think I can pull that off.

Or was it my other side that the photographer said was my good one? Shit.
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May 1, 2009
Don't feel too bad. I was doing a photo shoot years ago of these 3 brothers that ran a business. Two of the guys were fine, but I asked the third one to turn, first one way then the other. At that point the art director whispered to me, "Get his good side". I asked, which is his good side...he was the first subject I ever encountered who had two awful profiles...
May 1, 2009
Claudette Colbert was very "good side" conscious to the point of refusing to be filmed on her bad side throughout a whole movie. They had to re-block entire scenes so that she could always enter from the correct side of the screen. She didn't shoot the whole movie in profile, but there was a lot of that, and anytime she showed the other side of her face, it was just in passing, as she turned. This from a Hollywood starlet on top of her game.
May 1, 2009
There’s a beautiful dollar to be made by the company that perfects the GM mirror image, good side face-clone transplant. I'm no physician, but how tough can it be?
May 1, 2009
Good one!

Of course there is the possibility he was just making things up to make you think he knew what he was doing. Otherwise how can he justify his salary?
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