Whenever I see tragedy I immediately look for the economic opportunity it creates. So when I saw this news story about a guy who shot a woman because he thought she was a monkey, I wondered how the woman, who insists she is not a monkey, can cash in when she recovers.


My suggestion is that she should approach the people who make Nair and ask to be their spokesperson. The commercial could go something like this:

Spokesperson: "Are you tired of being shot because your neighbor thinks you're a monkey? Me too. That's why I use Nair. And now I buy my fruit from the grocery store. That probably helps too."

I'm going to closely follow this case. If the shooter gets acquitted I plan to use the monkey defense if I ever get arrested for a similar crime. Obviously I would only need that defense if I shoot an unarmed citizen, but frankly the only thing stopping me now is the lack of a good alibi. This monkey thing could be just the ticket.

One problem with using the monkey alibi in a California suburb is that we don't have enough actual monkeys to make the story seem plausible. So in phase one of this plan I will need to breed monkeys in my garage and release them until some sort of critical monkey mass has been achieved. Then I'll never have to listen to someone talk on a cell phone during a movie again. I'll tell the arresting officers "I thought it was a monkey."

But with my luck there is probably some sort of law against shooting monkeys in crowded movie theaters anyway, no matter how much they deserve it. I should probably do more research.

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0 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 18, 2009
Does anyone remember the monkeyman hysteria that swept India a few years back? People started claiming to have seen a monkey/man like creature which usually committed various unusual acts, such as scaring women before vanishing. As the hysteria grew, the monkeyman was spotted *everywhere* and took on increasingly convoluted attributes. For example, it was eventually reported as having three buttons on its chest. If I remember rightly, he could press one of these to make himself invisible, another altered his size and I forget what the last one did. It was variously described as being the avatar of a hindu god, a cyborg, an alien and just a 'creature'. Lots of people reported being scratched or otherwise injured by the monkeyman, various short hairy people were set upon and beaten up and general madness reigned.

At one point, when everyone had been whipped up into a frenzy about the monkeyman, a doctor decided to amuse himself by inflating a surgical glove and hurling it on the ground screaming that it was the monkeyman's hand then stamping on it to pop it. This pretty much backfired on him when he was arrested, I think for causing a disturbance.

OK, I accept that the only connection between this and the post topic is the word 'monkey', but it was an awesome story and worth reminding people about. I was on the edge of my seat for months, hoping that a new monkeyman story would appear.
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 17, 2009
Who remembers the Monkey God post? In India, you would probably get a longer term for shooting her, thinking she was a monkey.
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 17, 2009
Lancelot Link! Secret Chimp!

Maybe the farmer was actually a Chaos agent in disguise!

"I'll get you Link!!!!"

Mar 16, 2009
Scott, it'd be simpler to train a monkey to shoot whoever you want, or at least get its fingerprints on the weapon. We know from the Chicago case that they are VERY aggressive & prone to violence.
Mar 16, 2009
I knew it. RACIST!!!! Your all racists. GAAAAAAAAAAA!!
Mar 16, 2009
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 16, 2009
You might have better luck in Connecticut, they already have a monkey problem.
Mar 16, 2009
I saw Critical Monkey Mass when they opened for the Psycadelic Furs in 1983. Great show. I loved their single "Feces are my Fruit".
Mar 16, 2009
What a brilliant excuse, and with a little work usable around the world...

Malaysia - "I thought she was a monkey!"
South Africa - "I thought he was a lion!"
Austrailia - "I thought she was a kangeroo!"
New York - "I thought he was a banker!"
Mar 16, 2009
Just extend this slightly and you've got an entrepreneur's wet dream:

1) Have a cinema membership that's slightly more expensive than usual - say $ 30 per month. For that fee, you'd be allowed to carry concealed weapons in.
2) When the trailers and commercials end, anyone who is a member has the right to shoot anyone who talks. Hidden cameras will make sure that you shoot people who are talking or creating a disturbance and not your mother-in-law just because she's there.
3) If you genuinely shoot a noise-maker, you get all-you-can-eat free popcorn and soda for a month.

Of course, for maximum effect, you'd need to build the theatre next to a convention centre (where there'd be lots of out of town delegates) or perhaps in areas where, statistically speaking, low-IQ people live.

The Unexpected Traveller
-1 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 16, 2009
Talk about adding insult to injury. I imagine the trial something like this:

"Compare the defendant to this picture of a monkey, and to this picture of a human. As we can see a high number of her traits more closely resemble that of the monkey than that of the human, including but not limited too: Her large ears, flat nose, hairy skin and general ugliness."

Mar 16, 2009
"shooting monkeys in crowded movie theaters anyway, no matter how much they deserve it"

How long until someone decides this was meant as a racist statement? I mean, we all know who talks in theaters, right? You're gonna be the second cartoonist with a racist monkey shooting joke.
0 Rank Up Rank Down
Mar 16, 2009
Well...I doubt you could get away with the monkey defense; everyone will think you are referring to politicians.
Mar 16, 2009
Shooting Monkeys? Maybe you shouldn't be taking so much time off between blogs, it's dulling your usually sharp observations.
Mar 16, 2009
Two words.... Chewbacca Defense.
Mar 16, 2009
that doesn't seem like a smart legal strategy - even if a jury buys it I would expect the penalty for shooting a monkey to be harsher than for a person (especially in California). at least he was smart enough not to say he thought she was a dog (does the name "Michael Vick" ring any bells)? if you're going to use the Uncle Jimbo "it's comin' right for us!" defense you need to stick to animals that are legal to hunt but still dangerous to humans like deer, rabbits or quail. this is more commonly know as the "Cheney defense" (a specific form of the "Chewbaca defense")...
Mar 16, 2009
As a person related to monkeys I object to this callous assumption that it is OK to shoot monkeys. Many monkeys are very nice and make lovely additions to the garden. Kevin Sorbo likes monkeys and you should too.
Mar 16, 2009
There are lots of situations where it should be legal to shoot someone, and not just to wound them either. But unfortunately society frowns upon this sort of thing, and I suppose they have a good reason, I just don't know what it is

I guess in California you should only have to wait a few more weeks before the economy based rioting begins, then you can shoot people walking in the street and claim they were trying to steal your stuff. In the beginning, you might have to make it look good by dragging them a little closer to your property and sticking a lamp or something in their hand. But after the first dozen or so that you poach, the police will just start taking your word for it, after all, they are going to be busy themselves.
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