My Cat
May 12, 2008 General Nonsense |

I have an office cat, Sarah. She's a scrawny little tuxedo cat, about 18-years old. Sarah hates it when I try to work. I mean she really, really hates it. As soon as I enter the office she starts screaming at me. It's not a polite meow. It's more like a baby banshee being attacked by a porcupine. The noise penetrates my entire body. I'm almost certain it causes internal bleeding. This screaming lasts from the time I come to work until I leave.

Sometimes she punctuates the shrieking by puking on my carpet, destroying any documents she can reach with her arthritic leaping ability, and grunting out WMD in the cat box. Only one thing can stop this cycle. I must lift her up and pet her in just the way she likes. Any deviation from the recommended petting pattern means bloodshed.

You might wonder why I haven't thrown her through a double-paned window in all these years. That's because I haven't told you about the licking.

When I hold her in my arms, her pupils widen with love and she starts to lick my chin. I am not talking about a perfunctory little dry tongued "how ya doing?" here. Imagine a toothless, starving angel trying to lick a pork chop. It's like that, but less creepy.

I know I am special because she only licks the things she loves the most, including soft cat food, my chin, and her own ass, not always in that order. She doesn't have a favorite book or TV show, but if she did, I am sure she would lick them too.

Her tongue is surprisingly wet. I think she drinks water all night long to get ready for the morning. She's 4 pounds of cat and 2 pounds of pre-slobber. I've gotten used to the moisture, but the sandpaper texture has made it impossible for me to grow a beard. I live in fear that my town will have some sort of old-timey festival where all the men are expected to grow facial hair. People will just look at me, put an arm on my shoulder and whisper "Must be a great cat."

And they will be right. My cat is great.

Rank Up Rank Down Votes:  +26
  • Print
  • Share


Sort By:
-5 Rank Up Rank Down
May 12, 2008
See, now it's so obvious that you're paying some cute little college girl to write your blog, that I'm not going to bother reading it anymore. There's no way that an American male would ever write this - a Frenchman perhaps, but not an American! Not even one from California.
+3 Rank Up Rank Down
May 12, 2008
I'm trying to work out which of you programmed the other.

Did this evolve with time?

My money is on the cat programming Scott - I think cats have too much self interest to get programmed, and if they ever appear to, it's simply an evil feline plot to make it look that way so that they gain in the long run.
May 12, 2008
To: Dilbert's Cat and/or Scott's cat

Subject: Your human

Word has reached us that your human is in need of retraining. Sicking up won't help, take it from us. Humans simply will not "get" your nuanced message. They are so primitive! Your human may require an extended stay at our Camp Rehab. Find your human's credit card and call us when he's not around. We'll do the rest.

The Cat Whisperers
May 12, 2008
!$%*! I just wanted to make sure the comments weren't censored, though the guy above did censor the word !$%*!$%*!$%*!
May 12, 2008
My kittah insists on attempting to groom me and anyone else that comes over. He loves to lick too. Today he licked all the "gravy" off the wet cat food I gave him and left all the rest of the food.
May 12, 2008
ewwww, gross.
May 12, 2008
Writing about your cat? This is like one of those books (or movies) that is written by a writer, about a writer having trouble writing. Let me guess: you walked into your office, saw the cat, had nothing else to write about, and figured your throw 150 words about the cat on the page and call it a day. Next time, don't bother. A funny re-run is always better than a half-assed effort at something new.

May 12, 2008
My daughter's dog loves me and follows me around the house. She has to be dragged out the door to go on walks with anyone else. Yet I yearn for the love of the cat, who sleeps on my daughter's bed. She deigns to let me scratch her chin, and I think about star-crossed loves.
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
May 12, 2008
Hi Scott,

I like stories about your cat, makes me think of my cats. I can't help but wonder why she isn't a house cat. Her life story of being forever banned to what amounts to an oversized (hopefully) kitty cubicle, aka. your office, must be amusing. I am guessing she has been with you for a fairly long time and hasn't always been an office cat. What caused the banishment to perpetual office assistant, with limited hopes for advancement? Anyway her story might make a good addendum, at least post some cute pictures since you have this new whizz-bang website, which I now like since one of your people finally got my registration working, Jonathon responded to my help request successfully.

+3 Rank Up Rank Down
May 12, 2008
Grunts out WMDs... are those Weapons of Mouse Destruction?

I'm pretty sure you could get a couple Dilbert strips out of that joke.
+2 Rank Up Rank Down
May 12, 2008
I too have an old, loud cat. She will complain if she's not constantly in physical contact with me, or if she's hungry or thirsty or if I haven't acknowledged her presence in the past 30 seconds. I've had numerous people tell me I should wear her in a baby-harness to keep her quiet. I wouldn't trade her for the world.
May 12, 2008
treasure every one of those licks & every fibre of hair that ends up on your clothes - our 18-yr old calico (Nikki) finally succumbed to kidney failure back in March... I don't feel sorry for her (she's no doubt purring in her late 1st owner's lap as I write this) or us but for all the people out there that have never known the joy of a loving cat. we have a little ceramic trinket we got at an arts event that reads: "when the cuddles from you cat are loving & true always remember that it was the cat that chose you".
May 12, 2008
I thoroughly enjoyed your post about Sarah today...very sweet and funny. Sarah sounds like a super-fantastic cat, and a great office mate too.
May 12, 2008
I understand what you said perfectly. Only because I too am the caretaker of a great cat (Toonces) who singles me out for cantankerous affection. Although, if she ever figures out how to bypass the Rubbermaid security system to access her own cat chow, I might get demoted in the licking order of things.
+10 Rank Up Rank Down
May 12, 2008
Your cat is obviously trying to bump you off. Catbert would be proud of her. This is just her way of ensuring that should radical Islamic elements ever conquer the globe, you will be stoned for not wearing a beard (something about evil fishmongers shaving their beards I believe). I’m sure Sarah is already working on about 4 dozen other plans for your elimination, each formulated on large scale, geo-political shifts.
-8 Rank Up Rank Down
May 12, 2008
Hate to the one to one to break it to you, Scott. But you're having a sordid affair with a cat named Sarah. I think there's a word for it - !$%*!$%*!$% And no; the sex doesn't have to be penetrative to be inappropriate. Ask Bill Clinton.

Somebosy had to say it.
-13 Rank Up Rank Down
May 12, 2008
Never let anyone tell you that cats are better then dogs because they're lower maitenance....
May 12, 2008
I have been having a hard day but this had me practically crying I was laughing so hard. Thanks.
Get the new Dilbert app!
Old Dilbert Blog