Let's see if you can solve this puzzle. We've learned that Osama Bin Laden's compound had marijuana, pornography, and some sort of herbal Viagra. He had no air conditioning to keep him cool in the blistering heat of summer, and no heat to protect him from the cold of winter. He had no phone and no Internet connection. He had a home office and three wives living with him. Using only these clues, help the CIA solve the following puzzle: Why didn't Bin Laden come up with any good plans lately?

I'm no expert on terrorism, but I do have a few ideas about Osama's lack of productivity. Let's start with the fact that every time Osama had a few minutes of quiet time - and he wasn't stuck to the floor - he was spanking the martyr like it was his job.

The official story is that we found Osama by identifying his courier. I think a more likely scenario is that the CIA got a tip from whoever's job it was to clean Osama's room. I imagine that the end of that conversation went like this. "I don't want the reward money. Just make it stop."

Is it any coincidence that all of Osama's targets were shaped like penises? He started with jets, towers, and ships. Then he moved on to trains. Maybe we can save some money by eliminating security at anything that isn't shaped like a dick.

The marijuana at the compound explains a lot too. When we see pictures of other terrorist leaders, they always look angry. Every time we see a picture of Osama, he's just chillin' with his homeys. Here he is asking for some curly fries.

I wonder how stoned you need to be before you come up with a plan to conquer the planet using nothing but bearded men as weapons.  I have a feeling that plan B involved showing up at the Grammy's inside a giant egg. It's obvious that he wasn't a beer drinker because his most ambitious plot didn't involve sneaking up on camels and tipping them over.

We have this image of the World's Biggest Terrorist being sort of a king in his castle. But I'll bet it didn't work that way. If you're a 6'8" guy with three wives, someone is asking you to reach a high shelf every three or four minutes. I have a hypothesis that the whole terrorist mastermind thing started because there aren't any golf courses in that region and Osama needed an excuse to get out of the house. We've been told that he didn't have a phone because he wanted to avoid being located by the United States military. But if you had more than one wife, you'd toss your phone in the nearest dumpster too. My point is that it's not all about us. His personal life was complicated.

Now imagine that you have no phone and no email and you want to communicate a complicated plot to your henchmen around the world. You have to rely on your courier to remember the message and deliver it in a persuasive manner to your operations guy. If you have ever met a human being, you know we're not good at transmitting simple messages from one person to another. Now imagine that the courier was probably the guy tending the marijuana garden and you see what I'm getting at here. I'll bet a lot of those conversations went like this.

Courier: Osama wants you to bomb the embassy on 4/20.

Terrorist: Which embassy?

Courier: That's an awesome question. I'll have to get back to you.

Terrorist: Maybe the American Embassy somewhere?

Courier: All I remember is that the target is shaped like...this.

Terrorist: Get out of my tent.

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Dec 16, 2011
That article ended on a strong note!
May 20, 2011
After reading this post, I get a feeling that you are the one growing marijuana in the backyard.
-1 Rank Up Rank Down
May 20, 2011
Wow. Such wisdom from a cartoonist. There is something very zen-like about that.

I think the reason for lack of plannage from the 911 masterless-mind and the harsh reality is that Osama was already dead. He lived in fear which forced him into hiding rendering him, if not actually dead, imprisoned and incapable of doing much direct terrorizing. Plan sharing was limited because the more people who knew where he was, the greater the threat to his safety. This did not negate his status as a figurehead and inspiration to terrorists everywhere. He needed to be terminated with extreme prejudice for those reasons, and, like you, I rejoiced. Evil lost another battle. But he ceased being a direct threat to us awhile ago.
May 18, 2011

Great post, I actually registered to ask a question about it?

There's no way that you picked the date 4/20 by accident?

Is there?

...that would be ...way way too much of a coincidence...right..?

0 Rank Up Rank Down
May 17, 2011
LOL, Spanking the martyr.

One thing you didn't cover, or probably didn't need to. With 3 wives in the same house, on just about any given day at least 1 would be either pre menstrual; menstrual or post menstrual. I have a new level of respect for the man that he lasted so long, I would have been standing up on the compound fence challenging the nearby Pakistan army to shoot me years ago.
+1 Rank Up Rank Down
May 17, 2011
Freud would say that you're projecting.
Either that or you're just happy to see him.
May 17, 2011
Why didn't Bin Laden come up with any good plans lately?

Why would he need to? His first plot tied the US in knots for a decade and forced it to the edge of bankruptcy.
May 16, 2011
See, drugs are bad because they kill your ambition. Here's your proof kids. Imagine if he were a doctor; he'd have stopped looking for the cure for cancer years ago.

About the !$%* thing, maybe he realized he had the smallest wiener in the world and got a napoleon complex about it. Two of the worlds tallest buildings side by side reminded him he was hung like a chipmunk, he couldn't attack any of the muslim tall buildings, so he went after the biggest he could get away with bombing...
May 16, 2011
Get your facts straight, Scott! Osama was writing his plans on flash drives which he gave to couriers who gave them to terrorists. I imagine it went something like this:

Osama: Here's the latest plan.
Courier: What the hell? What is this thing? It's shaped like... uh...
Osama [in a strangely high-pitched voice]: It's a flash drive.
Courier: What the h... whatever. maybe the other guy will know what to do.

en route:
Courier: Where the hell is the flash drive? It's so frickin' small!!

A few months later:
Courier: Here's the latest plan.
Terrorist: What the hell is this?
Courier: Osama tells me it's a "flash drive."
Terrorist: Does anyone know what a flash drive is?
Minor Terrorist: Uh, I think you plug it into a computer.
Terrorist: Oh, someone go get the computer.

A few minutes later:
Terrorist: Where the hell is the USB port?
Courier: Right here.
Courier: Apparently we need a USB 2.0 port. Someone go threaten to bomb someone's house unless he gives us one.

Three hours later:
Terrorist: OK, finished the Windows ME boot. Do we have the Windows Vista disc yet?
Terrorist: It's asking me for the administrator password. I'll do "Osama"
*password rejected*
Terrorist: How about "bin Laden"?
*password rejected*
Terrorist: Let's try "Praise Allah." OK, it likes that one. Someone stick the flash drive into the USB 2.0.
Nothing happens.
Minor Terrorist: Maybe it needs to be attached to the computer.

A few days later:
Terrorist: It's finished with the unencrypting. What's the administrator password? "Osama"?
*password rejected*
Terrorist: Wait, that was wrong. Let me try... WHAT THE HELL? ACCESS DENIED? WE NEED THE ADMINISTRATOR PASSWORD TO UNLOCK THE COMPUTER? *shoots computer*
Terrorist: OK, we need a new computer. Someone go and th --
Minor Terrorist: OK, OK, I know.

I think you get the point.
May 16, 2011
"...someone is asking you to reach a high shelf every three or four minutes." Genius. My favorite blog entries are like this one.
May 16, 2011
That. Is. Awesome.
+4 Rank Up Rank Down
May 16, 2011
Scott, are you working on your "Something Out of Place" theory of stand-up comedy? Not a bad bit.
+5 Rank Up Rank Down
May 16, 2011
This was a good post. I especially like the delicious irony that he was a religious extremist, and he's now been stripped of all his puritan deification posthumously. It would have been better had he died of !$%*!$%*!$ asphyxiation though.
May 16, 2011
Great post!
When I heard they found !$%* in his mansion, it made me happier then the news that he was killed.
I especially like the fact that he had no internet, so he had to send out a special courier to collect his !$%*. "Not the Afghan !$%* again! All they reveal is their face and it's not even !$%*!$%*!$%*!$%*!$ Osama: Blow loads and weed, not buildings.
+18 Rank Up Rank Down
May 16, 2011
Imagine years locked up with three wives talking all the time in your head... without being able to go to anywhere.
Maybe he was the guy that tipped CIA about his location...
+5 Rank Up Rank Down
May 16, 2011
Soooooo, Bin Laden was a teenager?
-1 Rank Up Rank Down
May 16, 2011
Are you just wanting to look at Middle East !$%*!
May 16, 2011
Theory on why Bin Laden did not come up with any good plans post 9/11:

Because his brand of terrorism was rooted in fundraising, and that required that Al Qaeda appear to be gaining momentum. Therefore, anything less spectacular than 9/11 would be seen as a step back and thus a disappointment to his audience. I believe this made him laser focused on obtaining nukes, and that proved to be harder than he expected, despite holing up in the country most likely to provide him with one.

Otherwise, if he was really interested in bringin the U.S. economy to its knees, he could have just...... aah, I don't want to give his minions any ideas.
May 16, 2011
Really great blog!
Did you ever wonder if the Vatican was next? (...All those guys with pointy hats?)
May 16, 2011
In my country, when the cops want victimize somebody, they "find" some marihuana or other objectionable substance. I wouldn’t expect such awkward trick in this case. But maybe a soldier from commando lost his own pack in action. And Osama was ideal offender…
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