I'm in the process of trying to build a house. And by "build a house" I mean I am paying other people to do it. My contribution was in the planning stage. I tried to think of everything I might reasonably want in a house, so the design would be complete. Now that the plans are finalized, I keep hearing ideas I wish I had included. This happened again when I read about the legal problems of Broadcom co-founder and billionaire Henry T. Nicholas. This guy had an underground party room in his mansion that his wife didn't know about. How cool is that?


I am totally slapping myself in the head now because I never once thought about including a secret underground party lair in the plans. Now it's too late. And I suspect Shelly will be closely watching the construction phase, asking a lot of questions such as "Is that the pantry or the entrance to a secret underground party lair?"

To make things worse, I am exactly the sort of person who would build a house with a secret underground lair. But I probably wouldn't use it for parties because I'm selfish. I would just say I was on a business trip and go hide in there. All I'd need is a TV, refrigerator, and a toilet. It could all be in one room. I wouldn't even need overhead lights as long as the TV was always on. And obviously a chair would be redundant if you have a toilet. Easy peezy is the way I like it.

I'd use my secret lair to watch all the TV shows I can't watch with my family, such as Battlestar Galactica, and Southpark. The only risk is that it might sound a bit pathetic when the authorities raid my house for Garfield copyright infringement and discover that I have an underground television lair. There is no type of beard I can grow that would make that situation seem cool.

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Oct 29, 2010
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Jun 30, 2008
I live about 3 hours from Branson, so I spent a lot of summer vacations down there. When I was about 6, I was scarred permanently by a pedophile dressed as a cowboy at Silver Dollar City. I was refusing to eat my lunch, which was a gnarly looking hot dog that my parents had bought me, and this cowboy came up and put his fake gun to my head and told me I'd better eat it. I ate it, and didn't find out till years later that the gun was fake and so was the cowboy. I haven't liked hot dogs or cowboys since.

Branson is like Las Vegas without the class. Or as my friends in KC call it, the "White Trash Festival of Lights."
Jun 17, 2008
I had the same problem with South Park and BSG, but the wife is not more addicted to BSG and can stand most South Park. The secret is to make them watch the mini-series and then they are hooked.
Jun 12, 2008
Somehow I got the idea that salt removes heat from food. So I would dump a ton of the stuff on my food so it would cool off faster. By the time I knew better, I was too used to having large amounts of salt on my food.
Jun 11, 2008
Like having a secret TV lair would be more pathetic than copyright infringing on Garfield. That's a good one.
Jun 11, 2008
Can I join you for Battlestar Galactica and Southpark? I can't watch those at my house either....
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Jun 11, 2008
Scott, in the Lakes Region in NH there's a place called "Castle in the Clouds". Some rich guy back in the early 1900's built this big estate up on a mountain. He was kind of eccentric, but pretty smart. For example, he built (and by "built" I'm sure he paid someone to do it :-) his shower with piping all around, so when he took a shower, water hit him all over his body.

Anyway, he had his own hide-away room in the library. A panel in the wainscoting was really a door that went into a reading room. When he wanted privacy, he just ducked through the panel and closed it behind him. It probably wouldn't make a good sex lair, as the parade of hookers going into the library and disappearing would give it away sooner or later. But if all you want to do is hide from the Trick-or-Treaters, I think it would work nicely for you. Have your contractors frame a low doorway in a wall to your storage room, put in some walls behind it, and nobody will notice.
Jun 11, 2008
I have a suggestion too Scott. Make sure you keep a cupboard full of track pants or Bermuda shorts along with room fresheners. Imagine, else, how Mr. Scott dressed in business attire, with blazer and tie, sitting on an unpadded-daily-yellowing toilet seat in 'sweaty-farty' smelly damp lair look? :)
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Jun 10, 2008
Scott, this is a great idea. one of your very best. i prefer a secret den myself. i can probably add a bit of !$%* and a secret garage for a secret partner.
Jun 10, 2008
For a good start point, go through the re-runs of "Married With Children".

Al Bundy built one of these in his garage, complete with the porcelain throne.

-1 Rank Up Rank Down
Jun 10, 2008
Try a Van Dyke. And if anybody asks,. tell them it was a performance art piece about the alienation and loneliness of modern culture.
Jun 10, 2008
The toilet will hurt your rear end after a while...
Would you be sitting around naked or wearing long johns with a "trap door"?
You could still build it as a safe room and sneak off on a business trip, she would never know...
Just make sure to wire in an internet connection and the security cameras and such (along with telephone) so that you know what's going on in the world above...
And make sure the ceiling is sound proof so there is no chance of hearing them or them hearing you...
CW ;-)
Jun 10, 2008
My cousin was having marital problems with her husband, and decided to buy a house for herself so she could "stay closer to her customers in town" (rather than file for a divorce and traumatize her kids).

When showing me her house, she showed me the add-on garage, which looked perfectly normal, but had a closet off in one corner which was actually a dumbwaiter-type elevator to a windowless concrete room beneath the garage.

I said, "Well, if your husband ever disappears, I guess I know where to start looking." We both had a good laugh about it, but I know it had crossed her mind when she bought the place.

Maybe it's not too late for you to include a basement "workshop" underneath your garage, where you can write and watch TV in peace. (Plus, throw parties for hookers and whatever else you have in mind.)

You can tell your wife it's a "Panic Room", maybe she'll fall for that.
Jun 10, 2008
Coupla tihngs
1) get a Zune or iPod and watch your shows there, or in the car while driving. It's safer than watching them in front of certain people.
2) I already built a secret lair in your house. And I'm not telling you where it is. It is a secret lair, after all.
Jun 10, 2008
i cant even grow a beard
Jun 10, 2008
i cant even grow a beard
Jun 10, 2008
i cant even grow a beard
Jun 10, 2008
I live in such a place.

When my wife found out, she locked me in and only lets me out to wash the car, cut the grass, and tend to her females urges. I dread those days.

When I hear the key in the lock, I'm hoping it is time to mow the lawn.
Jun 10, 2008
If I was filthy rich, I would buy a decommissioned missile silo from somewhere nice and build a big cabin over it. I'm not big on doomsday scenarios, but I would stock a couple of floors full of stuff just in case. Part of the fun would be to act like I knew something horrible was going to happen, but refused to tell anyone what it was.
Jun 10, 2008
[And I suspect !$%*!$ will be closely watching the construction phase, asking a lot of questions such as "Is that the pantry or the entrance to a secret underground party lair?"]

You fool! Don't you know trust is the key to any good relationship? Without trust, you can't slip all the cool stuff you would like to do past your partner!
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