Search Results for "own deciosns"
Share March 30, 2016's comic on:
Boss: Don't bring me problems. Bring me solutions! Dilbert: That would make you more useless than you already are. Boss: I also need you to fill out your own performance evaluation.
Share April 19, 2016's comic on:
Boss: The government wants us to make software to crack our own encryption. Dilbert: That sounds evil. Boss: It's for the good of the country. Dilbert: Can I test it on your phone? Boss: You'd have to kill me first. Dilbert: That would be two good things for the country.
Share May 04, 2016's comic on:
Ted: I think you know something about my project and your boss told you to keep quiet. Ha! You just confirmed it by avoiding eye contact! Dilbert: Maybe you could get your own stall? Ted: Why? What do you have to hide?
Share June 19, 2016's comic on:
Boss: The robot will be sitting in for me when I'm on vacation. Dilbert: You can't have a robot in charge of humans! Robot: I got this. I see you own a mobile phone. Dilbert: So? Robot: Then you are already a slave to a machine. Dilbert: No, I'm not! Phone: Ping! Robot: You can prove you have free will by not looking at that message. Dilbert: Gaaa!!! You're already better than our human boss!
Share August 23, 2016's comic on:
Catbert: I heard that you self-identify as a woman. Wally: No, I don't. Catbert: Well, I need you to do that so the company can be supportive and win some awards for being a great place to work. Dilbert: Because why? Wally: I got my own bathroom.
Share December 04, 2016's comic on:
Dogbert: I'm starting a foreign accent schools for the lazy. People assume you're smarter when you know more than one language. But learning a new language takes too much work. So I'll teach you how to speak your own language with a foreign accent. People will assume you are bilingual at the very least. And when you use bad grammar with a foreign accent it makes you look adorable. You'll never need to do another courtesy laugh, either. People will just assume you didn't get the joke. Dilbert: This is one of your better ideas. Dogbert: You should hear it with an accent!
Share January 01, 2017's comic on:
Catbert: The one called Dilbert is showing signs of happiness at work. Boss: That means we can give him more work and he won't quit. Excellent. Is anyone else exhibiting signs of unauthorized happiness? Catbert: No. Everyone else is in the narrow band of misery you want them to be in. If they were any happier, it would mean you're overpaying them. If they were any less happy, the would take their own lives. If you don't hear any laughing or screaming, it means you're doing something right. Boss: What about moans? Catbert: Moans are ideal. That's the sweet spot.
Share February 09, 2017's comic on:
Dilbert: My job as the team scrum for our agile methodology is to remove distractions so you can work. I've created fake identities for each of us, and I'll be spreading the rumor that we all died. Carol: I heard they all died. Boss: Nice try. I will find them!
Share March 19, 2017's comic on:
Dilbert: What's the URL for the test site? Boss: Ask Amy. Dilbert; Amy is a mumbler. I can't understand a word she says. Boss; Just ask her to speak up. Dilbert: I've tried that. All she does is mumble louder. And whenever I ask her a question by email, she answers the wrong question. If the only person who knows the URL for the test site is Amy, we probably need to build a new site and tell someone else the URL. Amy might be the most useless employee in the entire company. Wally: Can you teach me to mumble? Amy: Mumble, mumble, mumble. Narrator: Get your own system.
Share March 08, 2017's comic on:
Dilbert: Our new politeness policy forbids me from giving you an honest opinion of your idea. So, instead, I will talk about an unrelated topic and you can draw your own conclusions. So... did you hear about the manure fire that burned down a pig farm?