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Character
Saturday September 03,
2011
Tags #commerce, #optimism, #patents, #patent infringement, #google, #apple, #microsoft, #oracle, #nasa, #astroid, #life span of optimist
Transcript
Lawyer: Our newest product infringes patents from Google, Apple, Microsoft, and Oracle. They've joined forces and hired NASA to nudge an asteroid toward our headquarters. Boss: I think we can win this. Lawyer: I wonder what the average life span of an optimist is.
Monday December 19,
2011
Tags #big business, #inventions, #google, #develop ideas, #60 hours, #per week, #math
Transcript
Man: At Google, we're encouraged to spend 20% of our time developing our own ideas. Dilbert: How many hours per week do you work? Man: About sixty. Wally: It sounds better when you don't do the math.
Tuesday May 01,
2012
Tags #gadgets, #google glasses, #Environment, #reasons, #not be your freind, #sweep tweets, #unsettling
Transcript
Tina: Those must be the Google glasses that give you information about your environment. Dilbert: Yes, and I see seventeen reasons to not be your friend. I'll sweep your dumb tweets off to the side. Tina: This is unsettling.
Wednesday August 15,
2012
Tags #business ethics, #mergers & acquisitions, #google, #100 million, #engineers, #jump ship, #ceo, #buy out
Transcript
CEO: Google offered to buy our company for $100 million just to get our engineers. Dilbert: Huh. I wonder if I can convince the other engineers to jump ship today and share $100 million amongst us. CEO: What did he just say? Dilbert: Nothing. Just thinking out loud.
Thursday August 16,
2012
Tags #announcement, #economic value, #engineers, #google, #mergers & acquisitions, #modern day, #podium, #public speaking, #slave trader
Transcript
CEO: Google has offered to buy our company for $100 million just to get our engineers. I agreed to the deal because I'm a modern day slave trader who believes engineers are property and the rest of you have no economic value. Who wrote my speech? Employee: Someone with no economic value.
Wednesday August 22,
2012
Tags #computer software, #new software product, #google, #created product, #free, #buy in
Transcript
Boss: And we're going to bet the company on our new software product. Dilbert: While you were talking, Google created that product, gave it away for free, and killed it for lack of interest. Wally: Is it too soon to take back my fake buy-in?
Tuesday October 02,
2012
Tags #engineers, #wages, #hiring engineers, #google, #million per year, #change the world, #average engineer pay
Transcript
Interviewee: Google offered me a million dollars a year. What's your offer? Boss: Work for us and you can change the world! Interviewee: Change it how? Boss: By lowering the average pay of engineers. Hiring engineers
Friday February 19,
2010
Tags #meeting, #soul, #lost, #google search, #ritual sacrifice, #no pupils
Transcript
Asok Lost His Soul Asok says, "We can improve our Google search ranking with key words, inbound links and?" Asok says, "?Ritual sacrifice of a?" Asok says, "I think it's down to you or me." Coworker says, "What are you implying?"
Wednesday August 18,
2010
Tags #meeting, #question, #smartphone, #internet browser, #slow, #old, #wrinkly, #dead, #google
Transcript
The Boss says, "I can research that question with my phone's browser." MUCH TIME PASSES The Boss says, "I found the Google!"
Sunday February 18,
2007
Tags #arc welder, #barrel of kerosene, #growth on neck, #health plan, #laid eggs, #pregnant termite, #quick search, #to diagnose, #use google
Transcript
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Catbert: The new company health plan is Google. From now on, employees must use Google to diagnose their own illnesses. For example, this guy has a growth on his neck. Guy: I do? Catbert: A quick search on my Blackberry tells me it's... Guy: What is it?!! Catbert: Ooh. Wow. A pregnant termite crawled into your mouth and built a hive in your esophagus. Guy: GAAA!!!" "Stop being a baby. The treatment for that is... Catbert: Do you have an arc welder and a barrel of kerosene?"