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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"Hey, big guy, how's your golf game lately?" "I've only known you for three seconds and already I have a deep desire to punch you." "But no one ever does." "Have you met Alice?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"I love golf. Golfing is fun. It's a good day to golf. Do you want to go golfing in the rain tomorrow at 6 A.M.?" "No, thanks. I have plans to sandpaper my entire body and roll around in salt." "I hope no one ever creates a scoring system for that."

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"Would it be okay if I worked three hours a week?" "Any more than three and my quality of life takes a steep dive." "Secondly, is this a good time to talk about a gigantic raise?"

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I've noticed that every decision you make is different from what I would have done.

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"Catbert, the Evil Director of Human Resources." "Your 401K Retirement Plan will be replaced with a 401A plan." "The 'A' stands for afterlife." "You'll get no money in this life, but the company will reward you in the afterlife." "The odds of that happening seem low." "Yes, but on an expected-value basis, a high potential reward compensates for low odds." "For example, how many free software upgrades would I need to promise you in the afterlife to make you work yourself to death this year?" "Seventy versions." "I resisted his charisma. But he got me with his math."

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My consulting firm specializes in fixing business strategies.

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"I absolutely need your input by Tuesday." "Ok." "Considering that you're massively unreliable, I'd like to save time by yelling at you now." "YOU SAID YOU'D DO IT BY TUESDAY!!!" "Umm.. I was too busy."

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"As requested, I wrote the business plan to show profitability by year three." "The key revenue assumption is that an armored car crashes through that wall and spills its contents." "And don't stand where the comet is assumed to strike oil."

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"The management retreat in Hawaii was productive." "We calculated how many employees we needed to downsize to pay for the trip." "Don't blame me, Ted. I voted against the third helicopter ride."

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"At long last, I finalized the budget." "This is the budget for last year." "Stop making it sound annual."