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"Why did it take six months to complete this simple task?" "Because of your continuous changes, your unclear communication, and your short work days." "I'm looking for something more along the lines of you being lazy."

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"Remember to use all of your vacation time before year end." "I'm off next week." "What! I curse you for taking time off when we have so much work to do! DIE, DIE, DIE!!!" "Anyway, the point is that vacations help relieve your stress."

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I quadrupled my workload to finish projects before I go on vacation. "I'm going home early to watch Battlestar Galactica on my DVR." "I might eat a nice sandwich!" "Must...Not...Envy...The vacationless."

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"Did you look at my powerpoint presentation?" "Yes, it's a confused jumble of useless information with a wino's spittle of unsupported conclusions." "Wino's spittle?" "You heard me."

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Tomorrow is the mandatory meeting on employee health and well-being. "The meeting starts at 6 A.M. So it will interfere with your sleep and not your work." "Doesn't that send a message that work is more important than health?" "I hope so. That's the theme of the meeting." "Healthy employees are unproductive." "They're always exercising or eating fruit when they should be working." "We prefer employees who work hard and die before their pensions start paying out." "Suddenly I feel sick." "Right on schedule!"

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Explain why you charge less of your time to projects than all the other engineers. "I'm trying something new. It's called honesty." "Stop doing that." "Okay brilliant suggestion."

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You treat every conversation like it's a contest where you have to be the one who is right! "It only seems that way because everything you say is wrong." "See? There it is!" "I'm pretty sure that was you again."

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The new guy is a huge weasel. Don't believe anything he says. "You say that about all the new hires so they won't seem credible when they complain about you." "I'll stop doing it when it stops working."