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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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My day will start out great if I can make it to my cubicle without human contact. "AAYI-YI-YI-YI!" "I hope that was the sound of teamwork."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"Why did you add this button to the user interface?" "You told me to." "Why would I tell you that?" "You always suggest random changes to create the illusion of adding value." "Well, remove that button." "It's only on your copy."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"There's a job opening for an engineer in research and development!" "It's a chance to escape the mismanaged futility of my current job and live the dream!" "Hey, there's an opening for a new manager of research and development!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"I'd like to kick off the project by assigning blame for its eventual failure." "Shouldn't we do that after the project is over?" "I see no reason to wait." "Well...okay." "Our boss will make us use the wrong vendor." "Wally won't do any work. Alice will alienate the client, and Ted is generally worthless." "In summary, my excellent work will be rendered moot by nincompoops." "Do you even work here?" "No, I was just in the neighborhood."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"Do you mind if I apply for the opening in R&D?" "Hey, I just applied for the manager job there?" "Um...maybe I'll wait." "To make sure I'll be your boss?" "Ooo-kay..." "This must be what bonding feels like."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Congratulations on 20 years of service. Here's a pen with the company's logo. "I have one just like it. At least I think this one is mine. I might have gotten them mixed up." "Which one looks like it spent the least time in my ear?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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You said to tell you if marketing wasn't cooperating. "You can't come running to me with every little problem. Go fix it." "Then why did you tell me to tell you?!" "It's just something I say."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"Wally, what are your goals for the coming year?" "My goal is to replace my soul with coffee and become immortal." "I mean something about work." "Oh, I thought you said MY goals."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"I wrote out my goals for the coming year." "I set them higher than I can achieve because our boss said it's good to have stretch goals." "Well, more for us."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"I'm concerned that you might be low-balling your goals for the coming year." "For example, this one says you will 'decompose in your chair'." "That sounds easy." "Not really. Half of the time I'm in a different chair."