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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 01, 2001's comic on:


Tags #unlock skull, #management training, #twist ears, #moral compass, #deactivate, #leadership, #working weekends, #adjustng, #Dogbert

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MANAGEMENT TRAINING: Dogbert stands on a stool behind a man sitting in a chair. Dogbert says, "You twist the ears to unlock the skull." The man's skull is open as if a hinge were on the side of his head. Dogbert reaches inside the skull and says, "Find the moral compass and deactivate it." Dogbert replaces the man's skull and says, "The result is something called leadership." The man points in front of him and says, "You're working weekends!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 02, 2001's comic on:


Tags #class, #cloak of invisibility, #consultant, #invisibility, #management cloak, #management training, #special, #students, #teacher

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MANAGEMENT TRAINING: Dogbert addresses the class, saying, "Tim will demonstrate the Management Cloak of Invisibility." Dogbert points to Tim who is sitting at a desk in front of the Management Training class. Dogbert watches as Tim sinks below the desk. Dogbert says to the class as Tim disappears from view, "I admit it doesn't seem very special when you know how it's done."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 03, 2001's comic on:


Tags #manager, #alice, #big favor, #pillow, #kidding, #struggle

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Wally asks Alice, "How do you like being a manager, Alice?" Alice says to Wally, "Do me a big favor; sneak into my house tonight and smother me with a pillow." Dilbert says, "I think she was kidding." Wally says, "I'll see if she puts up a struggle."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 04, 2001's comic on:


Tags #incompetent vp, #fired, #fvaor, #laugh, #resignation, #announcement, #terse, #incompetence, #ambiguaous, #meaning

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Catbert says to Fred, "Fred, you're an incompetent VP. You're fired." Fred asks, "May I ask for one favor?" Catbert says, "Sure. I could use a laugh." Fred says, "Please don't make my resignation announcement terse." Fred continues, "If it's terse, everyone will know I was fired for incompetence." Catbert smiles an ugly smile and Fred asks, "Does that smile mean you'll do what I ask?" Catbert says, "I'm sorry if that was ambiguous. Let me try again." Catbert smiles an even bigger ugly smile and Fred says, "I'm still not getting your meaning." Dilbert sits at his computer and reads a memo which says, "Re: Fred. Career dead."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 05, 2001's comic on:


Tags #sould, #claim ticket, #demoted, #non-management, #cubicle

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At a window marked 'Souls', a devil is standing behind the counter. Alice hands him a claim check and says, "I'd like my soul back. Here's my claim ticket." The devil, reading the claim ticket, says, "You've been demoted back to non-management. Very well." Outside Alice's cubicle, a little cloud hovers. Alice points into the cubicle and says to the cloud, "Get back in the cubicle." The cloud, which is Alice's soul, cries, "No-o-o-o!!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 06, 2001's comic on:


Tags #water, #avoid work, #glug, #Wally, #drinks water

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Dilbert looks as Wally who is holding an enormous bottle of water. Wally says, "I use my huge bottle of water to avoid work." Wally drinks from his huge bottle of water to the sound of, "Glug glug glug glug glug glug glug," and Dilbert watches. Wally continues drinking, to the sound of, "Glug glug glug glug," as Dilbert looks at his watch to time him. The Boss says to Wally, "Wally, would you... um... Wally? Uh... Wally..."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 07, 2001's comic on:


Tags #take this one, #hige mistake, #security reliability, #xq-7

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Dilbert is talking to a vendor. Pointing to a sheet of paper, Dilbert says, "I'll take this one." The vendor says, "No, no, no. Huge mistake." The vendor says to Dilbert, "You need the security and reliability of the XQ-7." Dilbert says, "Okay, I'll take the XQ-7." The vendor says, "Shoot! I wish my company made that one."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 08, 2001's comic on:


Tags #afraid to eat sandwhiches, #eat sandwhiches, #focus group, #truth telling, #vendor

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Dilbert says, "Wally, you have to see this vendor." Wally asks, "Why?" Dilbert says, "I think he's telling the truth." Wally exclaims, "No way!" Dilbert and Wally watch the vendor talking to Asok the Intern. The vendor says to Asok, "When the focus groups saw this product they were afraid to eat our sandwiches."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 09, 2001's comic on:


Tags #die from shame, #loss, #throw it, #window repair business, #honest vendor

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THE HONEST VENDOR: Dilbert looks at a new product. The vendor says, "Five minutes after you buy it you'll want to throw it through a window." The vendor says to Dilbert, "We sell these at a loss but we make it up with our window repair business." The plug falls off the product. Dilbert says, "It fell off." The vendor says, "Sometimes the components actually die from shame."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 10, 2001's comic on:


Tags #honest vendor, #not nice to meet, #weird, #spank hamster, #business is over reated, #repeat business

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THE HONEST VENDOR: Dilbert and the vendor reach to shake hands. The vendor says, "It wasn't nice to meet you." Shaking hands with Dilbert, the vendor says, "You didn't buy enough; I'll probably spank my hamster for no reason." The vendor thinks to himself, "Repeat business is over-rated."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 11, 2001's comic on:


Tags #master of delegation, #footsteps, #third thing, #valuable time, #vendor, #two minute call, #Funny, #conversation

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The Boss is hiding behind a doorway as Dilbert walks toward him. The Boss thinks, "The Master of Delegation hears the footsteps of his prey." Sticking his head out the door, The Boss says, "Hi." A startled Dilbert exclaims, "Gaaa!!" The Boss says to Dilbert, "Call this vendor and tell him I want the third thing he told me about." Dilbert says to The Boss, "Okay. That will save two minutes of your valuable time." Dilbert says, "When the vendor asks me dozens of questions should I just guess at the answers?" Dilbert asks The Boss, "Or would you prefer to spend an hour giving me enough background so you can avoid a two-minute call?" Dilbert says, "You know what's funny? This conversation lasted a minute... And there are two of us." The Boss asks, "Are you done?" Dilbert says, "I think you wrote down your own phone number."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 12, 2001's comic on:


Tags #afraid of change, #operation, #someone listened to you, #gender change, #move to china

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Wally and a male co-worker are listening to The Boss. The Boss says, "Don't be afraid of change." The Boss listens as the male co-worker stands up and says, "You're right! I'm going to get a gender change operation and move to China!" Wally says to The Boss, "I've always wondered what would happen if someone listened to you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 13, 2001's comic on:


Tags #calling in sick, #honesty, #monday, #puked, #puked up organs, #questioned, #suspicious, #vomit, #glah!, #optional guts

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An under-the-weather Alice sits angrily as The Boss says, "I'm a bit suspicious about you calling in sick yesterday on a Monday, Alice." The Boss looks startled as Alice exclaims, "Glah!" and her internal organs fly out of her mouth. Alice says to Dilbert, "Luckily I had lots of optional guts."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 14, 2001's comic on:


Tags #germs, #safe from germs, #alice, #sneeze, #blows up, #germ safety device

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An under-the-weather Alice sits at her computer. Wally is wearing a protective head covering that looks like a large gas mask. Wally says, "I'm safe from your germs, Alice. You can sneeze all you want." Alice pulls the cap off the hose to Wally's gas mask as she begins to sneeze with a large sound of, "Aah..." Alice completes her sneeze into the hose of Wally's gas mask. Wally's head covering blows up like a huge balloon.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 15, 2001's comic on:


Tags #billion shares, #dot com subsidary, #fire everyone, #presdient, #raise, #stock, #promoting

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The Boss says to Dilbert, "I'm promoting you to president of our dot-com subsidiary." The Boss says to Dilbert, "Your job is to fire everyone." Dilbert asks, "Would I get a raise?" The Boss answers, "How does a billion shares of stock sound?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 16, 2001's comic on:


Tags #dot com ceo, #no profit, #laid off, #laid off means, #compliment, #baby bottle, #youngsters, #meeting, #firing people

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DILBERT: DOT-COM CEO: Dilbert sits at the head of a table and children sit in seats around the table. One of the children has a baby bottle at his place. Dilbert says, "We have no profit now and we never will. You're all laid off." The child with the baby bottle asks, "Does anyone know what laid off means?" A young man says, "It must be a compliment." The young man says to Dilbert, "You're pretty laid off yourself, dude." The child offers his baby bottle to Dilbert and says, "Want a hit of this?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 17, 2001's comic on:


Tags #operating system, #reboot, #mouse pad, #monitor, #incompatible mouse pad, #rebooting system

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DOGBERT'S TECH SUPPORT: Dogbert sits at his computer wearing a telephone headset. Dogbert says, "Your mousepad is incompatible with your operating system." The Boss listens on his telephone as Dogbert continues, "Try rebooting the mousepad. If that doesn't work, I'll call you back." Still on the phone The Boss asks, "How will you know?" and listens as Dogbert replies, "I'll watch you through your monitor."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 18, 2001's comic on:


Tags #approval, #marketing, #pathetic plan, #knowing plans, #interest, #smite enemies, #cloud of doom, #sales projections

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Handing Dilbert a piece of paper, The Boss says, "Get approval from marketing." Dilbert walks away carrying the paper and followed by a little cloud which says, "Doom." The Marketing man, sitting at his desk, has devil's horns on his head. The marketing man says, "I reject your pathetic plan." Showing the piece of paper, Dilbert asks, "Do you have any interest in knowing what the plan is?" The little cloud that says, "Doom," continues hovering near Dilbert's head. The marketing man says, "Not unless you're proposing to smite my enemies." Dilbert says, "I prefer to call them customers. And yes, they'll take it in the shorts." The little cloud that says, "Doom," continues hovering near Dilbert's head. Dilbert says, "As an added inducement I will give you this cool little Cloud of Doom. The little cloud that says, "Doom," continues hovering near Dilbert's head. The marketing man says to the Cloud of Doom, "I'm going to staple you to my sales projections." The little cloud that says, "Doom," is now hovering near the marketing man's head.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 19, 2001's comic on:


Tags #reduce staff, #almost worked to death, #ted

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Catbert says to The Boss, "We need to reduce staff by twenty." Catbert shows a list to The Boss and says, "Here's a list of the people you've a-l-m-o-s-t worked to death." The Boss, carrying a piece of paper, says to Ted, "I have another project for you... Uh... Ted." A frightened-looking Ted exclaims, "Aack!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 20, 2001's comic on:


Tags #phone call, #outgoing message, #paris, #press one, #movie, #press two, #bad feeling

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Dilbert, pressing buttons on his portable telephone to the sound of, "beep boop beep," thinks to himself, "I hope she's home." Listening to his phone, Dilbert hears, "If you'd like to take me to Paris, press one. If you are inviting me to a lousy movie, press two." Dilbert presses a button on his phone to the sound of, "beep," and thinks to himself, "I've got a bad feeling about this."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 21, 2001's comic on:


Tags #bowling alley, #dumb, #dumbest idea, #going someplace, #not happy, #take charge men, #going somewhere

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A woman, walking with Dilbert, says, "I like take-charge men who just say, 'C'mon, we're going someplace." Dilbert says to the woman, "C'mon, we're going to the bowling alley!" The woman says, "That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard." Dilbert says, "I think I see how this works."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 22, 2001's comic on:


Tags #no opinion, #spineless, #Opinion, #unnecessary pain, #cry in public

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Dilbert and a woman are sitting at a table in a restaurant. The woman says, "You don't give your opinion on anything. Are you spineless?" Dilbert says, "Maybe you create an environment in which giving an opinion is an invitation to unnecessary pain." The woman exclaims to Dilbert, "Great! You're making me cry in public!!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 23, 2001's comic on:


Tags #look like losers, #give numbers, #internal subterfuge, #eighty percent, #vp

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There are several papers on a table. The Boss says to Dilbert, "We can't show these numbers to our VP. They make us look like losers." The Boss says to Dilbert, "Find something we're doing well and give him those numbers instead." Dilbert, wearing dark glasses and a false moustache, looks on as the VP reads the report and says, "Wow! Our internal subterfuge is up eighty percent!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 24, 2001's comic on:


Tags #dental plan, #golden handcuffs, #prickly panties, #retain best employess, #bowl of candy

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Catbert says to Wally, "We try to retain our best employees by giving them 'golden handcuffs.'" Catbert continues saying to Wally, "The rest of you will experience our other program, the one I call 'Prickly Panties.'" Wally, holding a large bowl, says to Dilbert, "Then he gave me a huge bowl of candy." Dilbert, pointing to his computer monitor, says, "Hey, they cut our dental plan again!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 25, 2001's comic on:


Tags #documents, #emailed documents, #end users, #now work, #poor arting, #technical documents, #performance rating, #seventy hours, #open attachments

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The Boss says, "Tina, I have to give you a performance rating of 'Poor' because you did no work this year." Tina exclaims, "No work?" Tina says, "I wrote hundreds of technical documents this year!" Tina continues to The Boss, "I worked seventy hours a week!" Tina continues, "I e-mailed every one of the documents to you..." Tina continues, "... With instructions to forward them with your approval to the end users." The Boss says, "That reminds me: I don't know how to open attachments." Tina says to Dilbert, "Why didn't you tell me you never got my documents?" Dilbert asks, "Who are you?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 26, 2001's comic on:


Tags #job interview, #Advice, #juggling, #items, #confident, #desk items

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Dilbert asks Catbert, "Do you have any advice for my job interview?" Catbert says to Dilbert, "Try juggling the items on his desk. It will make you seem confident." The interviewer has been knocked senseless in his desk chair. Dilbert, holding various desk items in his hands, says, "Sorry."