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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"Do your estimates include tax and shipping?" "Relax, relax, calm down." "There's no need to go all nuts about the tax and shipping. It's under control. Take a deep breath." "Um...All I asked was..." "Gaaa! You're totally losing it now!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Dilbert totally flipped out when I showed him the cost estimates. "Really? Or is this one of those cases where someone acts normally and you inexplicably tell the world that they totally flipped out?" "Whoa! Don't flip out." "I wonder if I can punch her sane."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"Alice, you've been accused of punching a crazy co-worker." "In my defense, it did make her less crazy." "I know. Here's a list of additional crazy employees I'd like you to punch."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"May I see the vacation schedule?" "Why do you want it?" "No reason." "Well, Ted, I hope you're enjoying your vacation." "Wally, do you have the cost estimates?" "I'm waiting for Ted's input. He's on vacation." "How about the revised time-line?" "I'm waiting for Ted." "Do you need any office supplies? I'm going to the store." "Maybe some pens." TED "Limited selection but excellent prices." "Thanks." "So, I understand you have a vacation next week."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Have you signed Ted's get well card yet? "Don't leave that here. Ted passed away two weeks ago. How long have you had the card on your desk?" "Have you signed Ted's get well card yet?" "Put it on the pile."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"I spent this entire week unscrewing the problems created by your ambiguous communication." "Next week I hope to unscrew the problems created by your hiring of morons." "Moving on, I've made some changes to the budget." "There goes April."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"Wally, too many people are asking me for things. How can I set priorities?" "Wait until everyone is yelling at you and then help whoever makes the scariest threat on any given day." "Is that what you do?" "No, I tell people to go ask you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"Wally, did you finish the detailed analysis?" "No, I'm more of a big picture kind of guy." "Why didn't you tell me that a week ago when I asked?" "I don't like to disappoint people." "What the @#$% do you think I am now?!" "Hey, I think I'm starting to like disappointing people!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"I disappoint people, but I'm learning to enjoy it." "The key to happiness is to love who you are, not who others want you to be." "Doesn't that make you a sociopath?" "Yeah. I love that about me."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Dogbert's speakers bureau "What topic would you be speaking about?" "I would speak about the folly of trying to satisfy other people's unreasonable expectations." "Would you show up on time?" "No. I doubt I would even prepare a speech."