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Rebels have threatened to attack our Elbonian factory unless we give them a million dollars. "That's outrageous! Tell them their competition offered to not attack us for half that price." Negotiations begin "That wouldn't even cover our costs of not attacking!"

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Rebel negotiations "Your price to not attack our Elbonian factory is too high." "We can give you the senior citizen discount." *snort* "That's just mean." "Sorry. I'll switch to more observational humor."

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CEO Meeting "I brought Dilbert in case you have any technical questions." "What's the status on the technology platform migration project?" "Be completely honest. We have nothing to hide." "Well, okay." "The project is like a hundred drunken clowns with bees in their underpants." "I expect the decline in morale to lead to violence." "Most of us are only pretending to work while secretly hoping the project gets canceled after you get fired by the board." "It turns out that we did have a few things to hide."

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"I reached an agreement with the rebels so they won't attack our factory in Elbonia." "It's a stock swap. Every time they collect a ransom, the value of our company will increase." "Doesn't that make us terrorists?" "Very indirectly."

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I heard your company is funding terrorists. "Very indirectly." "And they aren't the bad kind of terrorists. They're more like rebels who sometimes do terrorist things." "How did they brainwash you so fast?" "Iran supplied them with PowerPoint."

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The new dress code is a thin film of oil. "We're consolidating offices and we need to fit twenty people in each cubicle." "They've pretty much given up on winning one of those awards for best places to work."

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Managing is a lot easier now that we've given up on winning one of those 'Best Places to Work' awards. "Do you have a minute?" "Not for losers." "There was a time when I wouldn't have known how to handle that situation."

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"Happy birthday. What's it feel like to be 50?" "It's great! I've never felt better in my entire life!" "So it's sort of a delusional thing?" "Yes, luckily."

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I need this software to do my job. "The software budget is spent. Just share a computer with someone who has this software." "Why don't you take your tiny mittens and a thermometer to hell and wait for a sign that it's your turn."

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"Is your plan consistent with our corporate strategy?" "How would I know?" "Don't you know our strategy?" "No. Do you?" "Of course I do. It's something about leveraging our platforms." "Does your plan leverage our platforms?" "No, but I can rewrite my plan so it seems as if it does." "Good. Go back and do that." "There's no point in having a strategy if you aren't going to pretend to follow it."