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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"Don't worry, Alice. Stinky Pete is here to work closely with you on that technical problem." "I like to begin by releasing all of my negative energy." BRRAAAP! "AAEEII!!"

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"Dilbert, this is Amber Dextrous, your new co-worker." "Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you." "She's going for the hug." "Oh heck, I'll just go with the flow and for once not be the socially awkward one." "She wasn't going for the hug. She shakes with both hands." "She's the perfect employee. She can do two things at the same time!" "Human resources surgically separated the two sides of her brain so she can multitask." Two days later "I'm sorry to report that Amber drowned while trying to talk and drink water at the same time." "Human resources would like to see you after this meeting."

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Stinky Pete "I was jogging to work and eating my onion sandwich when I spotted a sewage spill." "So I did what anyone would do in that situation: I rolled around in it." "A penny for your thoughts." "I must insert my head into my buttocks so I can breathe."

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I can no longer work with you because of what you said to someone about me. "What did I allegedly say to whom?" "I can't tell you without violating the insane chick code of ethics."

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"Welcome to the monthly meeting of insane chicks." "Our speaker today is Betty, and her topic is 'All the people who are intentionally hurting us.'" "The breakout session is titled 'How to turn your imaginary problems into real ones.'"

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The Society of Insane Chicks "I know he hates me because he likes to play racquetball." "Maybe he just likes racquetball and wants to stay healthy." "Leave now."

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"I did a background check and discovered that you embellished your resume." "For example, there's no college named 'The Einstein One.'" "And I'm reasonably certain that 'Smartology' isn't a real major."

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"Now that I know your resume was embellished, you need to talk to the VP of Human Resources." "Are you going to fire me?" "Nah. I'll let you in on a little secret." "I'm the ficus tree that used to be in the lobby."

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"Dilbert, I have a little project for you to do in your spare time." "What exactly is my 'spare time'?" "Well, for example, there's the time that normal people would use for dating." "And since you're not dating, you can trim a few minutes from your hygiene schedule too." "Then there's the time you spend daydreaming about a fulfilling life." "That's exactly like stealing from the company." "And your stupid questions - Those have to take at least an hour a day." "Are my questions stupid?" "Not as bad as your answers."

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We discovered that the mud in Elbonia is caused by an abundance of oil and coal near the surface. "Our country will be prosperous and happy forever unless we do something incredibly stupid." "Are you building any weapons of mass destruction?" "Why? Is that a problem?"