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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 17, 2007's comic on:


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"Gaaa! That idiot is whistling in his cube again!!!" "I would complain but I don't like confrontation." "I can't talk to his boss because I would appear whiney." "There's only one solution." "Alice, please stop by my cubicle when you get a second." "What's up? Wait. I'll be right back." "STOP WHISTLING, YOU FREAKIN' MORON!!!" "What's up?" "Never mind. I found a work-around."

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My accomplishment this week was helping Alice finish her project in a timely manner." "You didn't do anything to help me." "Sure I did." "Remember when I came to your cubicle to ask for some data I need for my project?" "You said you were too busy, and shooed me away." "If I had insisted on doing my job, you would have had less time to do yours." "It's called teamwork." "Are we still big on that?" "Must control...First...Of...Death."

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"Alice, your resume is impressive." "Tell me why you want to be promoted to management." "Well. Obviously there's the money and prestige." "I'm also attracted by the prospect of doing much less work." "The opportunity to abuse subordinates is a big plus." "And I speak fluent Managerese. Watch this..." "Fuh fuh fuh fuh fuh" "Did you really want that job?" "No, but I love interviewing!"

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Share August 20, 2007's comic on:


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"Alice, you have the highest salary in the department. But don't tell anyone what it is." "Dilbert, you have the highest salary in the department. But don't tell anyone what it is." "I can't believe I never thought of that before." "Yeah, especially since you're the highest paid manager."

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Share September 11, 2007's comic on:


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"Alice, see me at the end of business today." "Ohmygod, ohymygod, what corpse floated up from the ocean floor? I can't wait seven hours. Gah!" Seven hours later "What?! What?! What?!" "Can you come back tomorrow?"

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"Alice, Did you hear I'm getting a cubicle by the window?" "Although I wouldn't want that cubicle because of the glare, the fact that you want it makes me hate you for getting it." "We're like a family here." "I hope it collapses on your head!"

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Share December 20, 2007's comic on:


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"Alice, I want you to move to a cubicle closer to the rest of the department." "Is there a reason that isn't apparent, or is this coming from the reptilian part of your brain?" "How would you know?" "That's a surprisingly good point."

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"Alice, I got your two weeks' notice." "Will you stay if I give you a 20% raise?" "Okay." "Hey dad, do you remember you said I should never be a quitter? You do? Well, it turns out that you're a moron."

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Share March 05, 2006's comic on:


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"Alice, my laptop is slowing down. Can you take a look at it?" "Here's the problem. There's too much smut on your hard drive." "I recommend deleting the film clips that have poor lighting." "And here's a whole category that you haven't looked at in weeks." "I'll move those to an external drive in case you need 'em later." "Wally has all this stuff on the server. You don't need it on your laptop." "What the...? You pinhead! You disabled your firewall!" "If you work here long enough, your outrage ends up in all of the wrong places." "Who moved my stapler?!!"

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"What the...? How can you be relaxed with so much work to do?" "Your mistake is taking pride in how much work you can complete." "You see, Alice, there's an infinite quantity of potential work." "But it's only possible to do a finite amount." "You have set yourself up for certain failure according to your own arbitrary standard." "By way of contrast, I take pride in not taking pride in my work." "I've already achieved my goal and it's not even lunch time yet." "Don't you need a new goal for after lunch?" "I'm aiming for a distended stomach."