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Wally says to Dilbert, "Wish me luck. I'm off to get my performance review." Dilbert says, "Have you been napping? You've got a bad case of keyboard face." Wally has several indentations on his cheek. The Boss asks Wally, "What's wrong with your face?" Wally replies, "I have Qwertytis. It's from working too hard."
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The caption says, "Buying a car." Dilbert sits across from a car salesman's desk. The salesman says, "You're one tough negotiator." Dilbert replies, "Thanks." The salesman says, "It only took you four hours to get me all the way down to the manufacturer's suggested retail price." The salesman cries, "There's no profit left!! My family will go hungry!!" The man bawls. The salesman stops crying and says, "Sorry. I assume you want the rust inhibitor coating for only $500." Dilbert replies, "Um . . .Yeah. Rust is bad." The man jumps up and shouts, "Yes!! Ka-ching ka-ching!" The salesman says, "Sorry. We also have an invisible spray that protects against scurvy and tax audits." Dilbert replies, "Well . . . Okay." The salesman says, "Initial here if you want your airbag to be full of fresh aspen air instead of gravel." Dilbert reads the contract and says, "Only $600." Back at home, Dilbert tells Dogbert, "And the lease terms are engraved on this free hood ornament!" Dogbert replies, "Be glad they didn't install it."
Share January 13, 1997's comic on:
The Boss, Dilbert and Wally sit at a conference table. Wally says, "This week I did equal amounts of work and anti-work." Wally continues, "For every unit of work I did, I generated an equal amount of unnecessary work for co-workers. I figure I broke even." The Boss says, "Wally, come see me after the staff meeting." Wally replies, "Oh, great. You're driving me into negative territory."
Share January 14, 1997's comic on:
Dilbert tells Dogbert, "I didn't read all of the shrink-wrap license agreement on my new software until after I opened it." Beads of sweat fly off Dilbert's forehead and he pulls nervously at his tie. Dilbert continues, "Apparently I agreed to spend the rest of my life as a towel boy in Bill Gates' new mansion." Dogbert replies, "Call your lawyer." Dilbert says, "Too late. He opened the software yesterday. Now he's Bill Gates' laundry boy." Dogbert says, "It must be dangerous for lawyers to iron pants. They'd always have one hand in a pocket."
Share January 15, 1997's comic on:
Dogbert and Dilbert sit on the armrest of the couch. Dogbert says, ". . . So you didn't read the software license and you inadvertently agreed to be Bill Gates' towel boy in his huge new house. When do we move?" They hear a rumbling noise and the house shakes. A machine crashes through the wall and says, "Prepare for assimilation." Dilbert says, "The house has come for me."
Share January 16, 1997's comic on:
Dilbert stands in a room filled with electronic equipment. A voice coming from a monitor says, "You have been chosen as Bill Gates' towel boy. But first you must answer this quiz." The voice continues, "You're in a room with three monkeys. One has a banana, one has a stick, one has nothing. Which primate is the smartest?" Dilbert says, "Um . . ." Dilbert sits on the couch and Dogbert sits on the backrest. Dogbert says, "I guess the successful towel boys know that humans are primates too." DIlbert says angrily, "Stupid trick question."
Share January 17, 1997's comic on:
The Boss hands Tina the Tech Writer a document. He says, "Here's you annual performance review, Tina." The Boss continues, "I focused on your performance for the past two weeks because I don't remember anything farther back." Tina screams, "I was on VACATION for the past two weeks!!!" The Boss replies, "No time to chat. I need to spread some motivation over here."
Share January 18, 1997's comic on:
Bob the Dinosaur and Dogbert sit on the couch. Dogbert says, "Businesses used to be like Christianity; if you were faithful and obedient, you could obtain bliss in the afterlife of retirement." Dogbert continues, "Now it's more of a reincarnation model. If the worker learns enough in his current job, he can progress to a higher level of employment elsewhere." Dogbert continues, "These analogies aren't working for you, are they, Bob?" Bob replies, "My hope is that one day I will biodegrade and become 'WD-40' oil."
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The caption says, "Office obstacle course." Dilbert walks down the hall. He sees another man and thinks, "Uh-oh, it's Phil. I never returned his call. Walk faster." Dilbert runs into the elevator as the doors close. He thinks, "Yes!!" Dilbert peers around a corner and thinks, "Uh-oh, it's an unpleasant co-worker who wants to be my friend." Dilbert walks behind Wally and a woman and thinks, "The clever engineer blends with the herd to avoid detection." Dilbert stands by Alice's desk and thinks, "Uh-oh, I owe Alice some information." Alice's phone rings. As Alice answers the phone, Dilbert runs by her desk and thinks, "Yes!!" Dilbert looks behind him and thinks, "There's only one more obstacle between me and blissful productivity." The Boss comes around the corner. Dilbert runs into the Boss and shouts, "My whole day is ruined!!!" The Boss says, "It looks like you need a one-on-one coaching session."
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The Boss tells Wally, "Bad news on your performance review, Wally." The Boss continues, "Everyone performed the same. But I'm required to rank the group on a bell curve." The Boss continues, "I had to make up some flaws to move you down the curve. Here's a pen. Sign it." Wally reads the review, "Employee does not wash hands after using the restroom."