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My stock-picking software needs more features. "I think I'll add a module that claims to make hair grow on bald guys. I'll first test it on a rat." "I feel a new one on my buttocks!" "That's all the proof I need."

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So you ever feel guilty for scamming innocent people out of their money? "No." "I only scam people who would do the same to me if they were just smarter." "So you use arrogance to cancel guilt?" "It's a good system."

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I must mark my terrtoy by insisting on a change to the prototype. "Give it a wireless internet option." "It already had one." "What doesn't it have?" "An idiot designing it."

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"I did a statistical analysis and found no correlation between my efforts and my rewards." "I felt adrift in a sea of radomness and absurd, devoid of purpose, lost." "And then I got paid and I purchased some unnecessary merchandise and now I feel fine." "Lactation can't be far behind."

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"My computer is too slow. I need to upgrade it." "I need a cost benefit analysis including the cost of all alternatives, and vice president approval." "It was easier to get a second job and pay for the upgrade myself."

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Certified Massage Therapist "Fill out this lengthy medical questionnaire." "That'll save me a few minutes of touching him." "I wonder if he'd know if I only used one hand." "Actually, how would he even know if it's a hand?" "Maybe I have an object here that feels like a hand." "This ballpoint pen will work." "I'm finding some tension here. Okay, it's gone now." "She says I should come back every week until my muscles stop clicking." "Sounds like you found a pen pal."

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"Hey, Dilbert, can you update the yield numbers for our discontinued chips?" "Well, if I have to choose between being rude and doing something useless..." "Consider my crazy glare." "I guess I'll start being useless."

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"I'd like to promote you, but the lowest salary band for the next level is 20% higher than your current pay." "Raises are capped at 5%, so there's no way to give you the promotion." "So I plan to hire someone from the outside that you can train to be your supervisor."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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