Search Results for "human resources"
Share June 19, 1994's comic on:
"Here's your new cubicle: the Cuborg 2000." "It's a self-sufficient workspace and life support system." "These tubes attach to various parts of your body so you never have to leave." "Various parts?" "Let's just say you don't want to get these two tubes mixed up." "We'll monitor your vital signs from a central location." "The company nurse?" "No; the human resources department, in case we have to do some emergency hiring." "Is it upgradeable?" "Yeah, the Cuborg 3000 is expected to have air holes."
Share January 21, 1996's comic on:
Catbert stands at his desk. He says, "Hee hee! This is my most diabolical work yet as director of human resources." Catbert continues, "Thanks to e-mail I can play with hundreds of employees at once!" Dilbert sits at his desk thinking, "Uh-oh . . . A message from the evil Mister Catbert." The message says, "In order to reduce our janitorial expenses . . ." Alice thinks, "That's a phrase you don't want to see." Wally reads, "Every engineer will be required to strap a broom to his or her . . ." Wally walks down the hall with a broom attached to his back. Wally and Dilbert stand outside a conference room. Wally says to Dilbert, "On the positive side, marketing invites us to a lot more meetings now." A man inside the room says, "Five minutes; we're still eating cookies."
Share September 15, 1996's comic on:
The Boss, Catbert, Wally, Dilbert and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Mr. Catbert, our evil director of human resources, will describe our new cubicle plan." Catbert says, "Last year we reduced the size of cubicles in the densification project." Catbert continues, "We didn't save much money, but we did lower morale." Catbert continues, "This year we'll build on that success . . ." Catbert holds a square box and says, "With the patented 'Head Cubicle.'" Catbert lifts the Head Cubicle and says, "Hold still, Wally." Catbert says, "And the head cubicle can be recycled after you're downsized!" The cubicle covers Wally's head. Dilbert, Alice and Wally wear the cubicles on their heads. Alice says, "We really need to draw the line at some point." Dilbert adds, "While we still have our dignity."
Share October 07, 1999's comic on:
Wally stares at the embryo on the desk. Wally thinks, "I'd better ruin the career of this upstart embry before he replaces me." Catbert arrives at the cubicle and says, "I need volunteers to give constructive criticism to human resources." Catbert walks down the hall holding the embryo. Catbert says, "I don't like your attitude."
Share January 24, 2000's comic on:
Wally, the boss, Asok, Alice and Dilbert are in a meeting. The boss says: "From now on, all teams will be formed on the basis of Myers-Briggs personality types." The boss says: "If you do not have a personality, one will be assigned to you by human resources." Catbert is standing on the table reading the sheet of paper he is holding, he says to Wally: "We need a quiet dumb guy to pair with an extroverted thinker."
Share October 24, 2000's comic on:
Catbert is standing on Wally's desk. Catbert says, "Your personal use of the internet is like stealing from the company!" Wally says, "You work in Human Resources; that's like stealing from the company, too." Wally continues, "Maybe we should form a gang."
Share January 03, 1999's comic on:
Caption reads: "Catbert the Director of Human Resources." Catbert stands on the table in front of a prospective applicant. He says, "So, you want a job here, Tubby?" The man replies, "It's 'Toby.'" Catbert looks at the sheet of paper in his hand and asks, "Did you just correct me?" The man says, "Um..." Catbert turns and shouts at the man, "I alone will determine your name!!" Catbert looks at him and asks, "Now, what is your name?" The man answers, "Tubby." Catbert reads the paper and says, "Tubby, is it true that you're so dumb that you..." Catbert holds out the paper and continues, "...Sent your resume to the human resources department?" The man looks frightened as Catbert continues, "Do you think that's what this department does? Let me show you what I do." The man is seen walking down the hall, his clothes torn into shreds and looking beaten up. The man says, "I think I just became an entrepreneur."
Share October 31, 2001's comic on:
The Boss says to Asok, "Asok, I want you to work for the evil director of human resources until his assistant recovers." Asok replies, "From what is he recovering? Is it a cold or perhaps a flu?" The Boss responds, "He saw so much evil that his soul dissolved and he became a winged demon."
Share April 20, 2002's comic on:
Alice asks The Boss, "How about any Tuesday this year?" The Boss replies, "No, I'm booked." Alice says, "You have the highest ratio of unavailability to usefulness I've ever seen." The Boss asks Catbert, "Does that sound like an insult?" Catbert replies, "If I could do math I wouldn't be working in human resources."
Share December 02, 2002's comic on:
The Boss addresses a meeting, "Human Resources is sending a designated firer to do layoffs." The Boss turns quickly and waves his hands in an employee's face. The Boss says, "If a stranger approaches your cubicle, it means you're toast!" The employee exclaims, "Gaaa!!!" A hooded weasel with a knife approaches Carol. He says, "Hell-o-o-o, Carol." He pauses and then continues, "Can you tell me where Ted sits?" Carol exclaims, "Gaaa!!"