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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 05, 2007's comic on:


Tags #vendor, #wait to buy, #new model, #sales, #negotiate

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Dilbert: When do you expect to come out with a new model? Vendor: In about two months. Dilbert: I'll wait and buy the new model. Vendor: Did I say two months? I meant never. Dilbert: Never? That must mean your company is going out of business and won't support this product. Vendor: What's a length of time between two months and never that would cause you to buy now?" Dilbert: One year. Vendor: Our new model comes out in a year. Dilbert: I'll wait until then. Vendor: You're the worst customer ever."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 13, 2007's comic on:


Tags #compete on price, #quality features, #fraud, #marketing

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The Boss: "We can't compete on price." "We also can't compete on quality features or service." "That leaves fraud, which I'd like you call marketing."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 01, 2007's comic on:


Tags #always wrong, #recommend shopping

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RatBert: I'm always wrong about everything. What can I do to fix that? Dogbert: "I recommend shopping. The customer is always right." Ratbert: "Shopping makes me smart?!!" Dogbert: "You aren't shopping yet."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 13, 2005's comic on:


Tags #erased data base, #laptop, #prototype, #blamed boss, #set up boss, #erased, #screamed

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Asok: "La-la-la-la-la... oops." "I inadvertently erased our entire customer database and all of the backups." "How can I explain this to our pointy-haired boss?" "Grab your laptop and follow me." "It's only a prototype. So whatever you do, don't touch anything." "GAAa!!! YOU ERASED THE CUSTOMER DATABASE!!" "ALL OF THE BACKUPS, TOO, YOU STUPID, STUPID #*@!*!" "I should've stopped before #*@!*!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 20, 2005's comic on:


Tags #scarf retrun, #salesman, #computer, #1000 returns, #compulsive, #company policy, #harvest organs, #sell ebay, #dilmom

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"I'd like to return this scarf." "What's wrong with it?" "It isn't um...scarfy enough." "I'll just run your card through the computer and..." "Uh-oh...You're on our Bad Customer list. You've returned over a thousand items to this store." "In fact, you've purchased and returned this same scarf seventeen times." "Company policy says that I have to harvest your organs and sell them on eBay." "It was good while it lasted."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 14, 2004's comic on:


Tags #day off, #gerbil, #heartless, #horrible person, #insensitive, #mean, #sisters weight, #toss in casket, #twin sister death

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Carol: "I need a day off to attend my twin sister's funeral." The Boss: "A whole day? How well did you know her?" Carol: "She.. was.. my... twin." The Boss: "But not identical!" Carol: "How does that matter?" The Boss: "Well, she didn't even look like you." The Boss: "And yet you want a whole day off for a service that takes fifteen minutes." Carol: "Gaa! It would be impossible to be more insensitive!" The Boss: "I'll compromise. My pet gerbil is on his last legs. I'll give you the day off if you toss him in the casket so I don't have to bury him myself." Carol: "When do you think it will die?" The Boss: "Depends. How much does your sister weigh?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 02, 2003's comic on:


Tags #abuse, #audio menu system, #freezing, #love problem, #low level technician, #same questions, #too much optimism, #waited in que, #tech support

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Dogbert is sitting at a computer. He says into a telephone headset, "This is Dogbert's Tech Support. How may I abuse you?" The customer on the other end of the line responds, "Finally!! It took me an hour to penetrate your inscrutable audio menu system!" The customer continues, "Then I waited in queue for forty minutes!" The customer says, "My problem is that my computer keeps freezing..." Dogbert's voice interrupts him, "Not so fast." Dogbert says, "I need to know your name, address, phone number, operating system, e-mail address, serial numbers, software versions and video drivers." The customer clenches his teeth and shakes his fist as Dogbert's voice continues, "Then I'll put you in queue for the low-level technician who can only tell you to reboot." Dogbert continues, "He'll ask you the same questions for reasons that will baffle you." The customer asks, "But eventually you'll solve my problem, right?" Dogbert's voice replies, "Sure, if your problem is too much optimism."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 16, 2003's comic on:


Tags #new faces, #introductions, #asok the intern, #signed to everyone, #conference room, #upsetting introductions

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The Boss addresses a meeting, "I see some new faces, let's go around the table and introduce ourselves." Asok starts, "I'm Asok, the intern." Asok points to The Boss and says, "I report to you." Asok points to Alice and says, "But I also report to Alice on a dotted line." Asok points to Carol and says, "And I report to Carol, on a fuzzy, thin line." Asok continues, "I have a blinking, irregular line to Wally, and a wavy, brown line to Dilbert." Alice begs, "Please... make this stop." Asok continues, "And a disturbing, imaginary line to a food-service cashier who touched my hand while giving me change."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 20, 2003's comic on:


Tags #functions to outsorce, #dont do well, #management, #sales, #quality control, #core competenece, #brown table startegy

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Dilbert points to a slide and says, "As requested, I put together a list of functions we should outsource." Dilbert continues, "I limited my list to things we don't do well." The Boss and Wally listen as Dilbert's voice continues, "Marketing, quality control, engineering, finance, human resources, and customer support." Dilbert says, "That leaves us with our core competence..." Dilbert continues, "... Sitting around a brown table." Dilbert says, "And, of course, our ability to speak honestly without fear of retribution." The Boss says, "You will never get another raise as long as I'm alive." Dilbert responds, "Well, that puts a lot of pressure on the brown table strategy."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 12, 2003's comic on:


Tags #new version, #every feature, #current version, #leapfrog competition, #better products, #pile of crud

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The boss: "Hey, it's a customer!" The boss: "You're in luck; our next version has every feature you'll ever want!" Man: "It does?" "I was ready to buy your current version... but I guess I'll wait." The Boss: "When will our new version be ready?" Dilbert: "In a year." "The new version will leapfrog our competition." Man: "Leapfrog? That implies that they have better products right now." The Boss: "BUY OUR PRODUCT, YOU STINKIN' PILE OF CRUD!!" "SLAP!" "I have to run. Try not to blow the sale."