Search Results for "deception"
Share June 30, 2009's comic on:
Wally says, "I programmed my instant-messaging software to send random questions to our boss every hour." Wally says, "They're all yes or no questions so he'll have the illusion of managing me." Computer says, "Should I rotate the domain protocols so they wear out evenly?" The boss says, "Yes"
Share August 22, 2009's comic on:
Dogbert the CEO Dogbert says, "We'll start ten mutual funds, each with randomly chosen stocks." Dogbert says, "Later we'll build our advertisements around whichever one does the best purely by chance." Dogbert says, "My goal is to be the premier provider of imaginary expertise." Wag! Wag!
Share June 28, 2009's comic on:
Dogbert says, "We're going into the executive recruiting business." Dilbert says, "But the economy is so weak that there aren't any job openings." Dogbert says, "That's why we're also going into the executive coaching business." Dogbert says, "We'll give our clients bad advice, and get them fired." Dogbert says, "Then our recruiting division will offer to fill those jobs." Dogbert says, "Wally, you'll be our executive coach." Wally says, "Your receptionist is cute have you considered stalking her?" Man says, "Um...a little." Wally says, "You can borrow my binoculars."
Share May 26, 2013's comic on:
Wally: I programmed our robot to make medical diagnoses. It can scan your body using its neutrino sensor. Robot, please demonstrate. Robot: Dead man walking! Boss: What? Robot: Your brain is the size of a dried apricot. Your heart is more cheeseburger than human tissue. You will be dead in eleven days, six hours, and nineteen minutes. Boss: Gaaa!!! Robot: Why did you program me to hate people? Wally: It was easier than inventing a neutrino sensor.
Share June 20, 2013's comic on:
Boss: Company policy says I have to rate one-third of my staff as "Does not meet expectations." I chose the two of you because you have no upper body strength. This way it's safer if you go berzerk. I thought you said I should tell them the reason I picked them. Catbert: Not the real reason.
Share June 22, 2013's comic on:
Wally: I'd love to help you, but I'm in the middle of defragging my disk drive. When that's done, my computer will be compiling code for a few hours. Dilbert: How's work? Wally: I hear bad things about it.
Share June 27, 2013's comic on:
Share July 10, 2013's comic on:
Boss: I heard a rumor that you have two jobs and you outsource both of them to Elbonia and keep the difference. Wally: That's crazy. I assure you I don not have two jobs outsourced to Elbonia. Boss: Is it more than two? Wally: That's a different conversation.
Share July 15, 2013's comic on:
Wally : Mere's my card. Let me know if I can be of further assistance. Coworker: Your phone number is missing a digit and your email address doesn't have an @ symbol. Wally: I didn't say it would be easy.
Share July 17, 2013's comic on:
Boss: Would you be my mentor? CEO: It's better for me if none of my underlings are qualified to take my job. Boss: I think you just taught me something. CEO: Gaaa!!! I hate it when I do that!