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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 23, 1998's comic on:


Tags #real boss, #prison tube, #spaceship, #wear shorts, #quality of work, #replaced by alien, #boss is alien, #no one knows

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Alien The Boss, with his tail wagging behind him, walks through the office thinking, "No one really suspects that the real Boss is on a prison tube on my spaceship." Asok the Intern asks, "Is it okay if I wear shorts?" Alien The Boss responds, "Sure. I only care about the quality of your work." Asok, Alice, and Dilbert eating lunch. Asok asks, "If our boss were replaced by an alien, would that be such a bad thing?" Dilbert replies, "It depends on the alien."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 24, 1996's comic on:


Tags #analysis, #worked all night, #vital, #meeting, #excellent work, #alice, #backup material, #performance review cycle, #naked body threat to boss, #cheap suit, #fling

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Alice says to the Boss, "Here's the analysis you asked for . . . I worked all night." Alice continues, "But you said this was vital for your meeting today so I know it was worth the effort." The Boss sits at his desk reading the report. He says, "This is excellent work, Alice." Alice closes her eyes and thinks, "A rare compliment; it was all worthwhile." As Alice walks away the Boss says, "I'll use it as backup material." Alice says angrily, "Backup?!! Nobody looks at backup material!" Alice says, "I'm going to grab your pointy hair, yank you out of that cheap suit and fling your naked body down the hall." The Boss lies in the hall with no clothes on. Wally says, "She's always irritable the week before her performance review cycle." Dilbert says, "Her distance improved this year."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 01, 1996's comic on:


Tags #be competetive, #carpets, #Catbert, #evil director, #evil policies, #foot sizing program, #no compalints, #reduce wear and tear, #tail twitching, #wear shoes smaller

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Catbert stands at his desk thinking, "My tail is twitching . . ." Catbert thinks, "That can only mean it's time to write some more evil policies." Catbert types, "To: all employees. Subject: new policy." Dilbert gets the e-mail message and reads, "Employees must wear shoes that are one size smaller than their feet." Alice reads, "This will reduce wear and tear on carpets by five percent." Catbert thinks, "This is my favorite part." He types, "We must do this to be competitive." A woman enters Catbert's office and says, "I'm a reporter for 'Evil HR Policies Weekly.' Do you have any success stories?" Catbert purrs. The caption says, "This is how industry practices are born." The journalist asks, "Has anyone complained about the 'Footsizing' program?" Catbert replies, "I haven't listened to a single complaint."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 26, 1999's comic on:


Tags #wear jeans, #work pants, #sworn secrecy, #butt looks good, #comfratble, #jeans under work pants

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Wally and Dilbert get coffee in the office kitchen. Dilbert says, "I wish we could wear jeans at work." Wally says, "I'm wearing jeans right now." Wally says, "I wear my work pants over the jeans so no one will know how comfortable I am." Alice comes into Dilbert's cubicle. Alice says, "Why does Wally's butt look so good today." Dilbert says, "I'm sworn to secrecy."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 15, 2000's comic on:


Tags #genetic anamolies, #genetic engineering, #grow on, #hand growing on head, #new temp, #temp agnecy, #wear goggles

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Dogbert: The Dogbert temp agency uses genetic engineering to grow our own workers. The Boss: Isn't that dangerous? Dogbert: I wear safety goggles. Temp: Im the new temp. Alice: Um Im alice.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 04, 2001's comic on:


Tags #software expenses, #marketing software expenses, #monkeys, #wear watches, #boss asks, #budget, #costs, #expenses

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The Boss sees Alice at her desk and asks, "Why are our software expenses higher than marketing's software expenses?" Alice replies, "For the same reason monkey's don't wear watches." Caption reads: "One hour later." The Boss returns and asks, "Does it involve fur in any way?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 23, 2001's comic on:


Tags #mismatch, #improve yourself, #my level, #gaining weight, #terrible haircut, #few teeth, #wear stained clothes, #tobacco

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Dilbert and the woman from the gym are walking outside. The woman says, "We're such a mismatch that I doubt you'll ever improve yourself all the way to my level." She continues, "Maybe I could meet you in the middle by gaining thirty pounds and getting a terrible haircut." Dilbert and the woman sit on the bank of the river. She continues, "...Knock out a few teeth, wear stained clothes, chew tobacco..."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 25, 2002's comic on:


Tags #michael t. suit, #core competencies, #platforms, #did we shake?

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A headless, handless man says to Dilbert, "Hi. My name is Michael T. Suit. All my friends call me M.T." M.T. continues, "I enhance core competencies by leveraging platforms." Dilbert is gone. M.T. continues, "Did we shake yet? Sometimes I can't tell."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 09, 2002's comic on:


Tags #empowered button, #life in one package, #refusal, #enforced, #empowered to wear button

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The Boss says to Asok and Wally, "Every employee will wear a button that says 'I'm Empowered.'" Asok responds, "I don't want to." The Boss says, "You have to." Asok and Wally walk away wearing their pins. Wally says, "That was everything you need to know about life in one package."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 05, 2000's comic on:


Tags #new personlaity, #non standard, #approved corporate personalities, #sycophants glad hander, #sadist, #prima donna, #empty suit, #whining misfit, #spec sheet, #dialoque

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Caption reads: "Catbert, evil H.R. Director." Catbert is sitting behind a desk in a throne-like chair. He tells Dilbert, who is sitting in a very small chair: "We've decided to give you a new personality." Dilbert is surprised: "What! Why?" Catbert explains: "You're current personality is non-standard." He continues: "You must choose one of the approved corporate personalities." Catbert presents the options: "The choices are sycophant, glad-hander, sadist, quantoid, prima donna, empty suit, or whining misfit." Dilbert says: "Empty suit sounds interesting." Catbert says: "Excellent choice. Here's the Spec Sheet." Wally asks Dilbert about the meeting: "How did it go?" Dilbert answers, reading from the Spec Sheet: "Same ol' Same ol'. You got that right!"