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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 25, 2013's comic on:


Tags #natural disasters

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Wally: I've been asked to explain our disaster preparedness plan. In the event of a famine, turn your keyboard upside down and shake. If it's anything like mine, you'll find a pound and a half of crumbs. In the event of an alien invasion, your best bet is to kill a co-worker to show your allegiance to the lizard-people. In the event of an impending collision with an asteroid, try running in place while the Earth rotates. If you time it right, you'll be on the other side of the planet when the asteroid hits. To prepare for every other type of disaster, I recommend cultivating a taste for human flesh. Boss: Your presentation is a disaster. Wally: And next time you'll be prepared for it.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 27, 2013's comic on:


Tags #ignorance (knowledge), #thinking, #wounds & injuries

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Dilbert: How'd you bet the black eye? Boss: I was pulling up my blanket in bed. My hand slipped and I punched myself in the face. Dilbert: Okay, let's make some billion-dollar technology decisions.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 17, 2013's comic on:


Tags #lying

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Dogbert: I'm starting a new business as a professional liar. I'll provide alibis, job references, annual reports, and that sort of thing. Dilbert; Were you born evil? Dogbert: It feels as if someone else had a hand in it.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 25, 2014's comic on:


Tags #boredom, #conversation

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Alice: Hey, plantkiller, do you have the ata I asked for? Coworker: Plantkiller? Who calls me that? Alice: Everyone does. Your stories are so boring that you kill all office plants within earshot. Give me a hand signal when you're done. Coworker: This reminds me of the time I took the stairs.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 25, 2014's comic on:


Tags #salutations, #absent mindedness

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Randy: Hi. I'm Randy. Dilbert: I can't memorize names and shake hands at the same time. Randy: It's Randy. Dilbert; Don't even bother. Seriously.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 31, 2015's comic on:


Tags #flirting, #dating, #negotiation, #rebuff, #rejection, #social media

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Dilbert: My name is Dilbert. Would you like to make out? Woman: No. Dilbert: Can I take you on a date? Woman: No. Dilbert: Lunch? Woman: No. Dilbert: Can I have your number so I can text you? Woman: No. Dilbert: Can I be your Facebook friend? Woman: No. Dilbert: Can I follow you on Twitter? Woman: Fine. But no retweeting. Dilbert: Can I favorite your tweets? Woman: Only if you wear a glove on your mouse hand.

Wally's Slap App

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Wally's Slap App - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 12, 2015's comic on:


Tags #app, #slap, #anger, #violence, #smart watch, #invention

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Wally: I created an app for our smart watch that makes the user's hand slap people. Boss: Who would want... Wally: Your eyes say I should pivot.

Tell Everyone You Are Writing A Novel

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 Tell Everyone You Are Writing A Novel - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 12, 2015's comic on:


Tags #writer, #reputation, #writing, #novel, #peer pressure, #motivation, #frustration, #writers block

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Dilbert: I'm telling everyone I'm writing a novel. That way I can leverage the invisible hand of social influence to motivate me for the next year. Alice: Have you written anything yet? Dilbert: Stop badgering me!!!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 25, 2016's comic on:


Tags #mentor, #mentorship, #competition, #honesty, #truth

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Dilbert: I need some mentoring. Boss: This is awkward. On one hand, helping you would make me appear wise and generous. On the other hand, it would make you a more credible threat to take my job. I see you as more of an adversary than a subordinate. That's why I withhold vital information that you need to do your job. I've already said too much. Wally: Did you learn anything? Dilbert: Yes, unfortunately.

Dilbert Tries To Get Funding

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Dilbert Tries To Get Funding - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 10, 2017's comic on:


Tags #budget, #money, #spending, #projects, #upgrades, #technology, #software

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Man: Who are you? Dilbert: I'm an engineer on an unfunded project. I'm attending random meetings to see if I can shake loose some spare budget money. Man: We'll be talking about the mandatory software upgrade. Dilbert: Sounds like a huge waste of money.