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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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The merger will obliterate the connection between my performance and rewards.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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My strategy is to work like a paranoid beaver during the merger.

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"Alice, I don't know the best way to say this but I'll try." "Oog - nah wahgoo yagga bliphnow elga nooey fip wah!" "That's a language I'm inventing in my spare time. It has no word for 'you're downsized.'"

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"Catbert: Evil director of Human Resources." "What kind of severance package do I get?" "I can't decide if I should laugh or purr, but there's definitely spittle in your future." "This is a bad package." "PURRRR-HA-HA HA-PURRRRR-HA HA-PURRRR!!!"

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"I'm collecting money for miscellaneous gag gifts." "We've got upcoming birthdays, baby showers, retirements, promotions, blah, blah, blah." "I'm collecting all of the gag gift money in advance." "Then I'll take the bag of money and flush it down the toilet." "That will be the gag. It's funny because a toilet is involved." "So you can either give me $100 now or I'll be back twenty times at $5 a pop." "You can't resist the siren call of a more efficient process. Give it up, engineer-boy!" "Hello, sectional sofa!"

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"Career Counseling." "Apparently you're still mad about being downsized." "According to your resume, you're seeking a job that involves 'punching a short, stocky guy with pointy hair.'" "Is that the only job you'd consider?" "I also like kicking."

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"Alice gets downsized." "Maybe your next career could be marrying a rich guy." "There must be a guy out there who wouldn't care about your personality." "If she offers you a goodbye hug, don't take it."

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"I scheduled your goodbye lunch for Tuesday." "I can't make it on Tuesday." "It's too late to change it. Everyone already bought your gag gifts." "Gag gifts?? I'm not retiring; I got downsized!" "Congratulations, Alice! Hee-hee!!"

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"The good thing about being downsized is that I don't need to shave my legs." "It grows fast, but who's going to notice?" "Police surrounded a convenience store where Sasquatch attempted to buy 'Haagen Dazs.'"

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Business is picking up. We need to rehire some of the people that we downsized.