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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 25, 2009's comic on:


Tags #flash, #camera, #danger, #death, #injury

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Dilbert says, "The flash on our smart phone prototype is so strong that it's dangerous." The boss says, "I'd better show this to our CEO." Dilbert says, "Is that really a good idea?" Dogbert says, "Now pose with Ted so I can get a group shot."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 03, 2011's comic on:


Tags #managers & supervisors, #mobile (cell) phones, #app, #awesome, #don't fire me

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The Boss says, "Ted, there's an app for you." Cellphone says, "Waa-waa! Don't fire me!" The Boss says, "How awesome is that?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 05, 2009's comic on:


Tags #stubborn, #stupidity, #project, #unavailable, #bureaucracy

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The boss says, "Finish this project in two weeks." The boss says, "And make sure you get input from all the executive stakeholders." Dilbert says, "That's impossible." The boss says, "Why?" Dilbert says, "Let's call one of the ten stakeholders and I'll show you." Beep beep This is Ed Bigston's voice mail. I'm not available...ever. I am either on vacation, or sick, or traveling, or in a meeting. I do not check e-mail or return phone calls. Like the horizon, I am more of a concept than a corporeal being. Despair is your only option. The boss says, "Try faxing him."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 19, 2009's comic on:


Tags #monster, #rebate, #trap, #frustration, #anger, #yelling

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Dilbert says, "I bought a new phone. It was only $50 after rebate." Dogbert says, "Uh-Oh." Dilbert says, "Let's see what the terms of the rebate?" Foom! Monster says, "I am rebaterus. You must pass five tests before your rebate will be authorized." Monster says, "You must wait 30 days without losing or accidentally discardin the rebate forms, the receipt, and the box." Monster says, "You must figure out which of the several unlabeled codes on the box is the real rebate code." Monster says, "You must write that code into a space desighned for a code half as long." Monster says, "Some numbers look like lettters." Dilbert says, "Just keep my money!!!" Monster says, "Dude, we spent it before you left the store."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 01, 2010's comic on:


Tags #mother, #son, #help, #rebate, #laptop, #tv, #ringtone, #scheme, #plan, #yell, #phone call

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Mom says, "Dilbert, could you help me fill out this rebate form the next time you visit?" Dilbert says, "Sure, mom." Mom says, "Also, my laptop keeps crashing." Dilbert says, "I'll take a look at it." Mom says, "My TV is acting up again too." Mom says, "And maybe you could show me how to change my ringtone." Dilbert says, "Do you really need all of that help?" Dilbert says, "Or is this an elaborate scheme to inoculate against me ever wanting to move back home?" Mom says, "We have a bad connection! What? What? What?" Mom thinks, "That should buy me another six months."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 08, 2010's comic on:


Tags #favor, #ask, #phone ring, #children, #bogeyman, #mailman, #angry

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Dilbert says, "Carol, would you?" Carol says, "Here's an interesting experiment?" Carol says, "Watch what happens to your blood pressure when I take this call and make you wait." Carol says, "Yeah? What's the problem now?" Carol says, "Tell your brother I said to stop biting the ehads off your dolls." Carol says, "Uh-huh... well, if the man was wearing a postal uniform, he wasn't the bogeyman." Carol says, "You did what to him?" Carol says, "Listen carefully. I want you to tear up the carpet in the fancy bathroom..." Dilbert says, "I can come back."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 22, 2010's comic on:


Tags #presentation, #powerpoint, #ghost, #ignore, #read, #run, #boo, #injury, #bandage, #hit person

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Dilbert says, "The status of my project is that apparently I died and became a ghost." Dilbert says, "I don?t remember dying, but the evidence of my untimely demise is clear." Dilbert says, "In the past week, no one has returned my phone calls or replied to my emails." Dilbert says, "When I try to print a document, I get nothing but error messages." Dilbert says, "Now all of you are looking at your phones and reading materials as if no one is speaking to you." Dilbert says, "I will now test my ghost theory by running through a living person." Dilbert says, "BOOOO!!!" Dilbert says, "Good news. I'm alive but unworthy of attention." Dogbert says, "I'm trying to watch a show."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 10, 2006's comic on:


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"How was your conference call?" "Very successful. Bill said he'd find a new supplier for the casing." "Or it might have been Ron, Ted, or Bob. They all sound the same on the phone." "I hope it wasn't Bill. He never follows through." "Ron is too overworked, Ted is a liar and Bob's a moron." "I'd say the call was a waste of time. It might even be a huge step backward." "Success is the happy feeling you get between the time you do something and the time you tell a woman what you did."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 31, 2006's comic on:


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I'll ask the vendor for ballpark prices to see if the idea is feasible. "You can't talk with vendors until our change control board approves the project." "But that would require a cost-benefit analysis." "And I can't do that without ballpark prices from the vendor." "Just take your best guess." "So...I should make up a number so I can get approval to make a phone call and ask what the number should have been?" "Right. But first you need to get my approval to do the cost-benefit analysis." "Will you approve it?" "I'd have to see the numbers."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"Before you energize my team with your proposal, let me introduce everyone." "This is Wally. He'll show no reaction because he hopes apathy will kill our idea before it creates work." "This is Alice. She'll leave halfway through your presentation to take a phone call." "This is Asok. He'll be enthusiastic because he doesn't understand how the real world works." "This is Dilbert. He'll tell you why your idea is impossible." "This is Carol. She'll spend the entire meeting wondering if that's your real hair." "And this is Ted. He gave his two-weeks' notice last week." "And I like to keep my eyes closed the entire time because of my allergies. Go."