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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 03, 2000's comic on:


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Wally says to The Boss, "I'd like to work flex time." Wally says, "I'll work for five hours before anyone else gets to the office..." Wally says to The Boss, "Then I'll take a break for ten hours..." Wally says, "Then I'll work five more hours after the witnesses... er... co-workers go home." Wally says, "You'll know I'm working hard because my cubicle will be filthy." Wally says, "But I have to be perfectly honest: There's a down side to this plan." Wally says to The Boss, "I would miss your staff meetings that I cherish so much." Wally says to Dilbert, "I'm having trouble keeping my clever schemes separate from my sarcasm."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 16, 2013's comic on:


Tags #interviews, #lying, #job interview, #exaggerate credntials, #more effective, #business skill, #misleading, #convince customers, #prodcuts, #dupe some idiot, #learn tech skills, #honesty, #hr, #send offer, #liar

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Dilbert: You look good on paper, but how do I know you aren't lying about your skills? Interviewee: You should hope I am lying. Studies show that people who exaggerate their credentials tend to be more effective once hired. That's because misleading people is a valuable business skill. For example, I might need to convince our customers that our products are better than the competition. Or I might need to dupe some idiot into leaving my cubicle so I can concentrate. Anyone can learn technical skills, but lying is an art form. Dilbert: He doesn't have an honest bone in his body. Boss: Perfect. I'll tell Human Resources to send him an offer.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 11, 2013's comic on:


Tags #thinking, #eureka program, #best ideas, #dry hole, #dude ranch

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Boss: We are introducing our "Eureka Program" to recognize that the best ideas come from employees. Wally: I have ideas? Boss: Well, that was a dry hole. Wally: Can I turn my cubicle into a dude ranch?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 01, 2013's comic on:


Tags #competition (psychology), #thinking, #ceos technology challenge, #innovative ideas, #fresh water, #elbonia, #award winning ideas, #water in a box

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CEO: I'm proud to announce the winner in the CEO's technology challenge. Two weeks ago, I challenged you to come up with innovative ideas for getting fresh water to Elbonia. The winner is someone named Wally. Wally's idea for bringing fresh water to Elbonia is... "in a box." That's the best one? Boss: We only had one entry. CEO: I hate your bald guts. Wally: I get that a lot. If you need me, I'll be in my cubicle thinking up award-winning ideas.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 16, 2014's comic on:


Tags #public speaking, #slides tell a story, #status of project, #clown, #broken watch, #eagle, #technology, #old shoe, #storm drain, #pie chart, #dcitionary, #images, #offcie, #cubicle

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Boss: Experts say your slides should tell a story in pictures. Start with an image that captures the status of your project. Dilbert: How about this image of a clown with a broken watch? Boss: I was thinking eagle. Dilbert: Fine. Eagle. Boss: Now find an image that shows our technology strategy. Dilbert: How about this image of an old show in a storm drain? Boss: I was thinking pie chart. Dilbert: Fine. Boss: Now for the words. Dilbert: How about this image of a dictionary?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 04, 2014's comic on:


Tags #complaints, #skunk opera, #analogies, #understand analogies, #employees complain, #office, #cubicle, #human relations

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Boss: Sheesh! It feels as if every employee is complaining about one thing or another today. Carol: Maybe it's because your leadership has turned this place into a skunk opera. Luckily, you don't understand analogies. Boss: That one is about singing.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 10, 2014's comic on:


Tags #managers & supervisors, #temporary ceo, #c level suite, #employee realtions, #boss, #cubicle, #insulting, #receptionist

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Boss: The board named me temporary CEO. And guess who is coming with me to the C-level suite! Carol: It's me! Boss: No. And you're also a terrible guesser.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 16, 2014's comic on:


Tags #optimism, #telephones, #work ethic, #prodcutive, #conference call, #cubicla, #exhautisng

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Boss: You don't look productive. Wally: I'm on a conference call. Boss: Maybe you should be in your cubicle listening to it. Wally: Nah. They aren't saying anything important. Boss: Maybe they will. Wally: Optimism sounds exhausting.

Wally's Analysis Is No Longer Needed

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Wally's Analysis Is No Longer Needed - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 12, 2014's comic on:


Tags #work ethic, #analysis, #work, #gibberish, #separate issue, #secretary, #offcie, #cubicle

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Wally: Here's the analysis you asked me to do. Coworker: Oops. I forgot to tell you, I don't need this anymore. Wally: What? I did all of that work for nothing? Coworker: Wait... this is nothing but... gibberish. Wally: That is a separate issue.

Incompetent Employee Budget Only

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Incompetent Employee Budget Only - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 25, 2014's comic on:


Tags #budget, #catch-22, #incompetence, #funds, #lose funds, #75% competent, #cubicle

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Boss: I only have enough in the budget to hire an employee who is incompetent half of the time. But if I don't use the budget, I will lose those funds next year. Employee: And I am proud to say that I'm 75% competent. Boss: I wish I could afford that.