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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 25, 1998's comic on:


Tags #management secrets, #earthling, #fulltime aliens, #ufo, #plowed into alp, #sharing skills, #boss and aliens

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The Boss is naked in a prison tube on an alien spacecraft. Two aliens outside the tube. One says, "Tell us your management secrets, earthling." The Boss responds, "You have too many full-time aliens flying this UFO. Downsize half of them, then roll out the ISO 9001 process." Back in the office, Dilbert and Alice listen as The Boss, who is supported by crutches and has a perplexed look on his face, finishes his story. "...But despite all of my help, they still plowed into a snow-covered alp."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 08, 1998's comic on:


Tags #email, #alice ignores asok, #voice mail, #doesn't respond

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Asok peers into Alice's cubicle. Asok says, "Alice, you never responded to my e-mail." Asok says, "Maybe I could ask you my question, now in person?" Alice says, "Send me a voice mail." Asok says, "Will you respond to a voice mail?" Alice says, "Sometimes the phone company loses them."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 26, 1995's comic on:


Tags #photocopier, #access code, #proprietary information, #same comapny, #ask question, #who's on first

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Dilbert stands at the copier reading a message that says, "Please enter photocopier access code." A woman stands behind him. Dilbert asks, "What's the code for this machine?" The woman replies, "That's proprietary information." Dilbert says, "We work for the same company. My cubicle is down the hall." The woman says, "I have no way of verifying your claim. Anybody could come in here and say that." Dilbert says, "Ask me a question that only an employee of this company could answer." The woman replies, "Okay." The woman asks, "What is the access code for this copier?" Dilbert looks at the woman. Dilbert covers his eyes and sobs. The woman holds up a document and says, "I just have one . . ."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 08, 1995's comic on:


Tags #primitive, #donut scavenging man, #yellow sticky notes, #humiliation, #live off land, #bountiful harvest, #dance to gods, #meeting notices

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Wally, Dilbert and Alice walk out of a conference room. Wally says, "That's four hours that I'd like to have back." Dilbert asks, "Who called that meeting anyway?" Dilbert says, "I must have left my calendar in there." Dilbert walks into the room and sees a man grabbing doughnuts from a plate on the conference table. Dilbert says, "I've discovered a primitive donut-scavenging man clad only in yellow sticky notes!!" The man says, "I was once like you, before the great rif." The man continues, "But rather than leave in humiliation I decided to stay and live off the land like our proud ancestors." The man says as he dances, "To ensure a bountiful harvest I do my donut dance to the gods." The man continues, "When that doesn't work I distribute meeting notices." Dilbert shouts, "YOU're the one!!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 17, 1996's comic on:


Tags #ethical question, #low quality product, #timely fashion, #lie about prodcut, #bugs are fixed, #assistant, #dogbert smacks rat bert

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Dogbert sits on the couch backrest. Dilbert says, "I have an ethical question, Dogbert." Dogbert replies, "I'm here to help." Dilbert asks, "Is it better to give customers a low quality product in a timely fashion . . ." Dilbert continues, "Or is it better to lie about product availability until the bugs are fixed?" Dogbert snaps his paw and replies, "I will need my assistant, Ratbert, to address your ethical question." Ratbert stands next to Dogbert on the backrest. Dogbert says, "Let's say Ratbert is a trusting and innocent customer." Dogbert slaps Ratbert on the back and says, "Suppose somebody abuses his trust like this . . ." Ratbert falls between the couch cushions. Dilbert sits with his leg crossed under him and looks at Ratbert. Dilbert asks, "How does this relate to my situation?" Dogbert replies, "To be honest, I wasn't listening to you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 12, 1996's comic on:


Tags #new vp, #cost containment, #first priority, #reduce expenses, #office supplies, #supply cabinet locked, #butter efficient secreatray, #naive question, #dispirited hollow shells, #product shoddy, #get supplies, #like honesty

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The Boss, Alice, Dilbert, Asok, Wally and an executive sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "I'd like you all to meet our new vice president in charge of cost containment." The VP says, "My first priority is to reduce our spiraling expenses for office supplies." The VP continues, "From now on, your supply cabinet will be locked." The VP continues, "The only key will be under the control of your bitter and inefficient secretary. Questions?" Asok raises his hand and says, "I am only an intern so please excuse this naive question . . ." Asok continues, "I've noticed that the employees are all dispirited hollow shells, management is random and our products are shoddy." Asok asks, "How are you going to solve that by making it hard to get supplies?" The VP looks angry. Asok says to Wally, "I thought you said they like honesty." Wally whispers, "Ask how much he's paid. It shows you care."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 16, 1997's comic on:


Tags #answer this quiz, #bill gates, #towel boy, #humans are primates, #three monkeys, #stupid trick question

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Dilbert stands in a room filled with electronic equipment. A voice coming from a monitor says, "You have been chosen as Bill Gates' towel boy. But first you must answer this quiz." The voice continues, "You're in a room with three monkeys. One has a banana, one has a stick, one has nothing. Which primate is the smartest?" Dilbert says, "Um . . ." Dilbert sits on the couch and Dogbert sits on the backrest. Dogbert says, "I guess the successful towel boys know that humans are primates too." DIlbert says angrily, "Stupid trick question."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 09, 1997's comic on:


Tags #cheetah, #drew lines, #feel bad, #mock you, #morale of the story, #opinions mattered, #pure adrenaline, #shrunk everything, #sprang into action, #totally worthless, #trampoline

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Dilbert arrives at home and says to Dogbert, "You're probably wondering how my day was." Dogbert sits on the couch reading a magazine. Dilbert says, "It was terrible . . . Until I did THIS!" Dilbert holds up a diagram. Dilbert sits down and explains, "It all started when I deluded muself into thinking my opinions mattered." Dilbert continues, "I sprang into action like a cheetah on a trampoline!" Dilbert gets up and demonstrates. Dilbert continues, "I drew lines and boxes and arrows for hours. It was pure adrenaline." Dilbert shouts, "Suddenly, trouble struck! It wouldn't fit on one page!!" Dilbert continues, "So I shrunk everything until it was totally unreadable. And it fit!!" Dilbert concludes, "The moral of the story is that you don't have to feel bad just because you're totally worthless." Dogbert says, "I'd mock you but the challenge is gone."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 10, 1997's comic on:


Tags #project sparkle, #desk policy, #company wide effoert, #tiny question, #curious, #top executives, #competitive threat, #panic, #lone voice of reason, #paper towles, #laminated card, #mission statement

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At a meeting, The Boss says, "Announcing Project 'Sparkle', the clean desk policy." The Boss says, "This is a company wide effort to keep our work spaces clean." Alice says, "Tiny question. I'm curious about one thing." Alice says, "I'm picturing our top executives in the 'War Room.'" Alice waves her arms wildly and says, "They talk about the competitive threat and our lack of resources. Suddenly, panic sets in!!" Alice is wide eyed and finishes, "A lone voice of reason penetrates the confusion. Two words: Paper towels." Alice asks, "Is that pretty much how it went?" The Boss says, "Moving along. Each of you get a laminated card with our mission statement." Wally puts his arm out to restrain Alice and says, "Let me do this one." Dilbert just watches it go by. The only reason he's here is because his name is on the strip.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 01, 1999's comic on:


Tags #answer phone, #trick question, #meeting, #better get this, #phone rings, #ignores boss call

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The boss comes up behind Wally who sits at his desk. The boss says, "Wally, I've been calling you for two hours! Why don't you answer your phone?" Wally says, "Is that a trick question?" The boss says, "Wally, unless your in a meeting.." The phone rings. Wally says, "Hold on. I'd better get this."