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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 17, 2001's comic on:


Tags #deadlines, #finish on time, #forty hours, #good news, #bad news, #boss, #Dilbert

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Dilbert sits at his computer as The Boss says, "Good news: The deadline got pushed back a week." Dilbert says to The Boss, "Good news?! I've been working for forty hours straight to finish on time!" The Boss thinks, "I just realized I don't know the difference between good news and bad news."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 05, 2002's comic on:


Tags #strategy council, #form a comittee, #produce document, #team, #create council, #ignores document, #business

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During a meeting, The Boss says to Dilbert, "Dilbert, put together a team to decide who'll be on the strategy council." Dilbert responds, "You want me to form a committee to create a committee that will produce a document that will be ignored?" The Boss answers, "No, it's a team to create a council." Wally raises his hand and asks, "Can I be on the team that ignores the document?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 08, 2003's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #head hunter, #ceo section, #resume, #re word, #less criminal sounding, #more honest, #plundered

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Headline: Dogbert the Headhunter. Dogbert is meeting with a client. He says, "We'll need to reword the CEO section of your resume." Dogbert continues, "For example, there's never a right time to use the word 'plundered.'" Dogbert continues, "And instead of 'suckers ignored our P/E ratio,' say you 'enhanced stockholder value.'" The client replies, "Wow. You're good."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 16, 2004's comic on:


Tags #project stauts, #emails, #voicemails, #corner in hallway, #scampered away, #sinus stories

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dilbert: "The status of my project is that you ignored five of my e-mails and seven of my voice mails." "I tried to corner you in the hallway, but you filled all the air space with stories about your sinuses and scampered away." The boss: "Speaking of which, hoo boy." Wally: "I'd like to hear those stories."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 22, 1999's comic on:


Tags #stressed alice, #role model, #deadlines, #pride, #no ambition, #glory, #new vp, #student ready, #master appear

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Wally stands in Alice's cubicle with a coffee cup. Alice works at her computer. Wally says, "There is no reason to be stressed, Alice." Wally says, "Allow me to be your role model." Wally says, "I remain calm despite the pressure of impossible deadlines." ALice says, "That's because you have no pride and no ambition!" ALice says, "I've worked day and night to make this deadline!" ALice says, "And when I suceed, the glory will be mine!" Ted pokes his head around the cubicle wall and says, "Our new VP just canceled the project so the last vp would look bad." Wally says, "They say that when the student is ready, the master will appear."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 29, 2005's comic on:


Tags #broken promises, #scammers, #lies, #vendor, #salesman, #telling lies, #deadlines, #software, #few extras, #unfinished features, #engineering

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Vendor: We'll build your software with all the features you want plus a few extras. Dilbert: "Or maybe you'll start late and claim there's no way to do everything by the deadline." "Then you'll say that the unfinished features aren't important and you're losing money on the deal." Vendor: "I can't hear you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 25, 2006's comic on:


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Is it more important to follow our documented process or to meet the deadline? "I only ask because our deadline is arbitrary and our documented process was pulled out of someone's lower torso." "Where's your artificial sense of urgency?" "Teamwork killed it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 22, 2007's comic on:


Tags #ignored, #coworker, #acknowledge existence, #uniportant, #talking clothes, #fretting, #mean, #anxiety

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Asok: "Alice, may I ask you a question? Alice? Alice?" Asok: "Gaaa! Am I so unimportant you feel no need to acknowledge my existence???" "Am I totally unimportant?" Catbert: "Hey, it's a bunch of talking clothes!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 23, 2000's comic on:


Tags #complain about work load, #ounce of prevention, #pound of assignments, #working day and night, #projects, #assignments, #deliverables, #must do items, #action items, #frie drills, #dog and pony shows, #glare problem

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Wally is leaned back in his chair sleeping. Wally awakens, looks at his wrist watch and thinks to himself, "It's time to complain about my workload." As Wally walks away from his desks, he thinks "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of asignments." Wally goes into the Boss' office to complain about his workload. He says to the Boss, "I'm working day and night!" Wally goes on to explain. "I've got projects, assignments, deliverables, tasks..." The Boss sits at his desk listening to Wally. Wally continues, "...must -do items, fire drills, and dog and pony shows." The Boss, having ignored everything Wally just said, hands Wally a piece of paper and says "Wally, I have an assignment for you." Wally is surprised. Back at his desk, Wally is again leaned back in his chair, faced covered with the piece of paper the Boss handed him earlier, as he thinks to himself, "I solved my glare problem."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 08, 2013's comic on:


Tags #absent mindedness, #frustration, #design, #specs, #deadlines, #schedule, #incompetence

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Coworker: Did you finish the design according to my specs? Dilbert: Yep. Coworker: Hypothetically, if I had forgotten to mention several features, would that be a problem? And let's say the deadline is still the same. Dilbert: No problem. I always plan my schedule around your incompetence.