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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 15, 2009's comic on:


Tags #sitting, #lunch, #investing, #money, #crime, #trick

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Wally says, "I retired from my life of corporate crime and put all of my illicit earnings in a mutual fund." Dilbert says, "How do you know the mutual fund is legitimate?" Wally says, "What?" The boss says, "We got all of the money back?" Dogbert says, "We?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 30, 2009's comic on:


Tags #typing, #lazy, #idea, #trick, #deception, #managing, #stupidity

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Wally says, "I programmed my instant-messaging software to send random questions to our boss every hour." Wally says, "They're all yes or no questions so he'll have the illusion of managing me." Computer says, "Should I rotate the domain protocols so they wear out evenly?" The boss says, "Yes"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 11, 2009's comic on:


Tags #enticing, #brochure, #trick, #refusal, #ideas, #annoyed

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Asok says, "Hi Graybeard. I brought you a brochure for a great retirement home." Graybeard says, "I'm only 52. I'm not going to retire just so you can get promoted into my job." Asok says, "Risky adventure?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 29, 2009's comic on:


Tags #talking, #retirement, #planning, #drinking, #coffee, #pessimistic

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Retirement planning in a bad economy Wally says, "Retirement planning is all about timing." Wally says, "I'm planning to die from global warming on the same day I run out of money." Wally says, "That's one more advantage of being frail. I figure an hour without sunscreen ought to do the trick."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 03, 2008's comic on:


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The Boss says, "Ted, your position is being eliminated." Ted says, "What? You never told me there was anything wrong with my performance!" The Boss says, "It's not about your performance. Your position is being eliminated." Ted says, "Well, that seems mighty convenient." Ted says, "This way you can replace me without explaining why I never got a bad performance review." Ted says, "is this just a trick to make you feel less awkward while firing me?" A woman says, "I thought you said he'd be gone by now." The Boss says, "Is there any comfort in knowing your replacement is totally hot?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 14, 2009's comic on:


Tags #interview, #trick, #scheme, #selling, #laptops, #disappointed, #stupidity

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Job interview Dogbert says, "Do you have any sales experience?" Man says, "No, but I?" Dogbert says, "Okay, whatever." Dogbert says, "There's no base pay. You only get paid opn commission." Dogbert says, "And you'll need a special laptop for this job." Dogbert says, "you can buy it from our company with a 5% employee discount." Dogbert says, "You're hired." Man says, "Yes! And my friends told me I would never find a sales job in this weak economy!" Man says, "By the way, what does the company sell?" Dogbert says, "We sell laptops to idiots."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 27, 2009's comic on:


Tags #job, #meeting, #circular, #ridiculous, #talking, #explaining, #angry, #annoyed

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The Boss says, "Dilbert, I want you to develop a procedure for creating policies." Dilbert says, "Do we have a policy on how to develop procedures?" The Boss says, "I think someone wrote a white paper on that." Dilbert says, "What's the procedure for finding white papers?" The Boss says, "Maybe you could ask around." Later that night Woman says, "So, what do you do?" Dilbert says, "I ask around to see if anyone knows about a white paper that talks about a policy for developing procedures to create policies." Dilbert thinks, "You find that sexy." Woman says, "Stop doing the Jedi mind trick!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 19, 2002's comic on:


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A vendor addresses a meeting, "If you buy our system it will pay for itself in three years." Dilbert turns to the vendor and asks, "Approximately how much does it cost?" The vendor responds, "It's hard to say. It depends on many factors." Dilbert says, "Fine. Just tell me how much money it will save annually." The vendor replies, "You'll save $10,000 per year." Dilbert says, "Well then, if it pays for itself in three years, it must cost about $30,000" Dilbert continues, "That was a little trick I call "math." Dilbert continues, "Oops. Now I'm not emotionally invested." Asok pats Dilbert on the back and says, "Your vendor tauntage is quite excellent today."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 14, 2014's comic on:


Tags #anger, #competition (psychology), #employees

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Alice: Can I sign up for a workshop on how to deal with difficult co-workers? People will be using those methods against me, and I need to know how to thwart their countermeasures. Boss: Will you leave my office if I say yes? Alice: Where did you learn that trick?!!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 03, 2014's comic on:


Tags #absent mindedness, #magician, #press agents

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Dilbert: Your last job was doing publicity for a famous magician. Why did you leave. Interviewee: My boss fired me after the trick where he stayed in a sewer full of rats for a month. Dilbert: I didn't hear about that. Interviewee: I forgot to tell anyone it was happening.