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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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The Boss and Dilbert stand in front of a room of people. The Boss says, "The award for best attendance goes to Dilbert." Dilbert says, "I'd like to thank the people who made this possible." Dilbert continues, "First, I'd like to thank the women in the company who have rejected me over the years . . ." Dilbert continues, "Because of them I have no germ-riddled children to infect me." Dilbert continues, "And thanks to my co-workers for never telling me about important meetings, thus keeping my germ exposure to a minimum." Dilbert continues, "And thanks to my boss for never assigning a project important enough to induce stress and weaken my immune system." Dilbert continues, "But what makes this award special is that each of you had to get sick in order for me to win." Dilbert arrives at home and says, "When you have your health, you have everything, Dogbert." Dogbert replies, "No, you also have to gloat."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Caption: Dogbert the C.E.O. Dogbert sits at desk while lady says, "The 'United Charities' would like you to be chairman this year." Dogbert says, "I'd be honored. Oh, and while you're up, cancel the company health plan." Caption: One week later... Man at podium that reads 'United Charities' presents Dogbert an award. Man says, "Under his leadership, our free clinics have handled TWICE as many people." Dogbert accepts the award and responds, "Thank you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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The Boss, Catbert, Dilbert, Alice and Wally sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Mister Catbert will explain our new 'total compensation plan' for excellence." Catbert says, "We no longer view compensation in the narrow terms of salary alone." Dilbert, Alice and Wally think, "Danger! Danger!" Catbert continues, "If employee benefits go up, then salaries can go down and it all balances out." Catbert lies on the table and says, "For example, did you know you could lower your blood pressure by rubbing my soft, furry belly?" Alice says, "It might be a trick!" Wally thinks, "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Wally rubs Catbert's stomach and Catbert shouts, "Ha ha ha!!! It's a health benefit! Now I'll cut everybody's salary!" Dilbert, Alice and Wally look shocked and their hair and clothing is disheveled. Dilbert says, "I've noticed that the more health benefits I get, the worse I feel."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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The Boss hands Dilbert a piece of paper. The Boss says, "This is urgent. Stop what you're doing and work on it right now." Dilbert looks at the report. Dilbert says, "Is it more urgent than what I was doing?" The Boss says, "I don't know what you were doing." Dilbert says, "Exactly. So how could you know if this is more urgent?" The Boss says, "Tou could work late and do both." Dilbert says, "Work late? Is this more important than my health?" The Boss grabs the piece of paper. The Boss says, "Forget it! I'll have Alice do it." Wally looks over the cubicle wall. Wally asks,"Just out of curiosity what ARE you doing?" Dilbert says. "Playing "Quake"."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 22, 1998's comic on:


Tags #happy birthday alice, #gift, #charity money, #team spitit, #ash tray, #dont smoke, #ashtray as gift

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Alice and Dilbert sit at a table. Wally stands at the table. Wally says, "Happy Birthday Alice!" Dilbert gives Alice a gift. Wally says, "I was planning to get a gift..." Wally continues, "But then I thought...". Alice takes the gift from Dilbert. Wally says, "Why not give the money to a charity in Alice's name?" Alice asks, "Really? Which charity?" Wally says, "Ummm...'The United Society of Poor People with Major Health Problems'." Alice opens Dilbert's gift. Alice says, "...And Dilbert got me an ashtray even though I don't smoke." Dilbert says, "You don't?" Wally and Dilbert sit at the table. Alice's seat is empty. Alice has left her gift on the table. Wally says, "They say this sort of thing builds team spirit." Dilbert says, "It must be gradual."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 05, 2003's comic on:


Tags #fist of death, #foot of death, #doctor, #exam room, #dont use, #Advice, #health, #carpal syndrome

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Doctor: You've got a bad case of carpal punchel syndrome. Doctor: Don't use your "fist of death" for a few weeks. Alice: GAAA!!! Wally: the "Foot of death" is not the same. Asok: It is only slightly menacing.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 06, 2012's comic on:


Tags #happiness, #work ethic, #career advice, #work hard, #destroy helath, #personal life, #happiness advice

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Asok: Alice, do you have any valuable career advice? Alice: Work so hard that it destroys your health and crowds out any chance of having a personal life. Asok: Wouldn't that make me... unhappy? Alice: You didn't ask for happiness advice.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 27, 2013's comic on:


Tags #office buildings, #economic consulting, #benefits of standing

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Boss: I hired The Dogbert Ergonomic Consulting Company to tell us about the health benefits of standing. Dogbert: Standing be good. Boss: That's it? Dogbert: The topic isn't as complicated as you might think.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 29, 2008's comic on:


Tags #budget cut, #health, #bleak, #public, #poorly made prodcuts, #elevant, #organs, #still healthy, #black market

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After Budget cuts The boss: It might seem bleak now, but things will turn around... As soon as the public starts loving poorly made products that are relevant to a bygone era. In the meantime, who has organs that are still healthy enough to sell on the black market?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 13, 2010's comic on:


Tags #nose job, #health insurance, #surgery, #dog nose, #veterinarian, #lunch time, #eat, #engineer, #function, #rationalize

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Asok says, "I probably shouldn't have gone to a veterinarian for my nose job." Asok says, "But as an engineer, I value function over form, and the airflow is actually quite good." Dilbert says, "You might be rationalizing a little." Asok says, "I pity you with your inefficient nostrils."