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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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I can monitor the company's key metrics from my executive dashboard. "Uh-oh. I need to do a better job of falsifying my data." "Allow me to set the stage for your next assignment by reminding you that stockholders have never done anything for you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Alice says, "You let Dilbert have two flat screen monitors in his cubicle." Alice says, I'm not the least bit envious, but I should point out that a worker with two monitors should be able to do twice as much work." Alice says, "Did you know there are some advantages to having only one monitor?"

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Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Catbert says, "We've installed surveillance cameras to monitor your work." Catbert says, "It might seem like an unconscionable assault on your privacy, but you'll get used to it." Wally says, "I'm already a little bit used to it." Dilbert says, "Used to what?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Catbert says, "We monitor all of your actions, but we suspect you are still doing non-work-related thinking." Catbert says, "My lab assistant Trixie will attach sensors to your head and track all of your thoughts." The computer screen says, "Mmm... Trixie, wear this while you wash my electric car." Trixie thinks, "Engineers."

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Tags #upgrade, #cellphone, #clerk, #sport chair, #laptop, #stare

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Dilbert says, "I'd like to waste the better part of my afternoon trying to upgrade my phone." Dilbert says, "I'll just set up my sport chair, and use my laptop while you mumble and stare at your monitor for what seems like forever." Dilbert says, "Look at me! I'm beating your system!" Man says, "Quiet! I'm trying to stare."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Did you get the note I left on your monitor? "Yes." "Did you get my voicemail?" "Yes." "Did you get my e-mail?" "Yes." "Should I tell you what the note and voicemail and e-mail said?" "There's something wrong with you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"According to our employee brain monitor, you have not been thinking about work." "All of your brain activity is in the zones that control love of coffee, digestive functions and...uh-oh." "I'M BLIND!!!" "Oh, that one."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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your unqualified crony is causing a rebellion among the staff. "There's not need to blow this all out of proportion." "But I promise to monitor the situation."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"My pay is below market. Can I have a 20% raise?" "No, but I'll let you use two flat screen monitors in your cubicle so it feels like you're an evil genius in a secret lair." "Bu-Wa-HAHA!" "Who got a second monitor?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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I asked the I.T. department to upgrade my computer. "They're coming here??!" "We must hide our non-standard equipment!" "Uh-oh." "So-o-o... this den of non-standardization must be your cubicle." "This non-standard printer is coming with me. And I don't remember that monitor on our list." "I must cleanse your cubicle of non-conformancce so the healing can begin." "Surely my upgraded computer will arrive soon." Months later "Abacus?" "Please shut up."