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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 23, 1998's comic on:


Tags #real boss, #prison tube, #spaceship, #wear shorts, #quality of work, #replaced by alien, #boss is alien, #no one knows

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Alien The Boss, with his tail wagging behind him, walks through the office thinking, "No one really suspects that the real Boss is on a prison tube on my spaceship." Asok the Intern asks, "Is it okay if I wear shorts?" Alien The Boss responds, "Sure. I only care about the quality of your work." Asok, Alice, and Dilbert eating lunch. Asok asks, "If our boss were replaced by an alien, would that be such a bad thing?" Dilbert replies, "It depends on the alien."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 04, 1998's comic on:


Tags #assign priority, #chance in a million, #process voucher, #you're a one, #long process, #lies

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Wally hands Carol a piece of paper. Wally says, "How long will it take to process my voucher?" Carol says, "I assign a priority to everyone. I'm happy to say you're a 'one'." Carol sits in front of her computer. Carol thinks, "One chance in a million."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 12, 1998's comic on:


Tags #built a ring, #computer, #display, #one character, #technology

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Dilbert sits at a desk with a screwdriver and several other tools and computer pieces in front of him. Dogbert watches. Dilbert says, "I built a ring with a timy computer in it." Dilbert waves his hand around. Dilbert says, "It only displays one character at a time." Dogbert says, "Then what good is it?" Dilbert hold the ring up to his face. Dilbert says, "No time for chit-chat. I'm surfin' the net!" Dogbert says, "Don't make me come over there."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 23, 1998's comic on:


Tags #meeting objectives, #sources, #one objective, #control fists

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The Boss sits behind his desk. Alice stands. The boss says, "My sources tell me that you're not meeting your objectives." Alice says, "That's not true. Who are these sources? Name one objective I haven't met." The Boss says, "I don't even know what your objectives are." Alice clenches her fists of death, Alice thinks, "Must.. control... fists."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 07, 1998's comic on:


Tags #time to work, #two assignments, #essential business, #boss solution, #impossible, #doesn't understand

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Dilbert stands in The Boss's doorway. Dilbert holds two pieces of paper. Dilbert says, "I have time to do ONE of these two assignments." Dilbert says, "One is essential to the business the other is not. Which ONE do you want me to do?" The Boss says, "Both!" Dilbert says, "I know you WANT both. But if you can only GET one..." The Boss says, "Combine them and just do one."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 28, 1998's comic on:


Tags #chief financial offcier, #one sentence descriptions, #projects, #critical budget deciosns, #semi colons

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Caption: "Chief Financial Officer" The moron sits between Dilbert and the Boss. The moron says, "I need one-sentence descriptions of each of your projects." Dilbert says, "You're planning to make critical budget decisions based on THAT? " The Moron says, "Yes." Wally stands behind Dilbert who sits at his computer. Wally says, "Wow. Five pages without using a period." Dilbert says, "Thank God for semi-colons."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 18, 1994's comic on:


Tags #pyramid scam, #marketing breakthrough, #new recruit, #amazingly wealthy, #being your own boss, #one thousand dollars, #the world pays, #money, #scam

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"Remember, it's not a pyramid scam, it's a marketing breakthrough!" "The beauty of it is a new recruit is born every minute." "Are we guaranteed to become amazingly wealthy?" "While being our own boss?" "Yes, unless you're lazy or ethical." "Each person you recruit pays you one thousand dollars. The recruits get their own recruits and charge them TWO thousand, and so on." "Eventually, every person on Earth will be giving you money. And that adds up." "You can't argue with the math." "I feel like we're a big family." "The best part is that every person on Earth will get rich!" "Actually, the last recruit kinda gets it in the shorts."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 18, 1994's comic on:


Tags #dogbert teaches math, #cut staff, #bonus worth, #expense requiremnets, #calculated, #budget, #multiply by one, #doctor, #flashlight, #projections come from, #medical

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The caption says, "Dogbert teaches business math." Dogbert points to a diagram of an equation. A picture of Wally, Dilbert and Alice illustrates the equation, "Grunts equals zero." The caption says, "#1. Any job that can be done by two people . . ." The Boss stands behind two people. The caption continues, ". . . Can be done by one person for half the cost." The Boss yanks one of the workers out of his chair. The caption says, "#2. A bonus today is worth more than . . ." The Boss holds a large bag of money. The caption continues, ". . . The whole company tomorrow." An office building has a closed sign on it. The caption says, "#3. Your expense requirements for December can be calculated . . ." The Boss sits at his desk writing on a piece of paper. The caption continues, ". . . By taking what's left in the budget and multiplying by one." A delivery person asks the Boss, "Giraffe goes where?" Dogbert says, "Next week, a doctor with a flashlight shows us where sales projections come from."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 29, 1995's comic on:


Tags #lake, #push people, #need a hobby, #pretty one, #flopping around, #lower form, #big one, #weigh

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Dilbert sits at his desk. Dogbert says, "I'll be down at the lake, pushing people in." Dilbert says, "You need a new hobby, Dogbert." Dogbert replies, "It's a SPORT!" Dilbert stands on the lakeshore behind a man holding a fishing pole. Dogbert asks, "Having any luck today?" The man replies, "Yeah, I got me a pretty one. You should have seen it flopping around. Beautiful!" Dogbert says, "Beautiful?? Are you saying there's beauty in causing a lower form of life to suffer?" The man holds a fish and says, "Only if it's a big one." Dogbert asks, "How much do you weigh?" The man replies, "Oh, about 210 pounds, I reckon." Dogbert has pushed the man into the water. Dogbert asks, "Would you mind flopping around some more?" A fish swims near the fisherman and says, "It's beautiful."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 10, 1995's comic on:


Tags #help desk, #reengineered, #out of existence, #never call again, #pie chart, #crush computer, #ass flour, #bake one hour, #free novel, #manual, #repeat process

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A bald man says into the telephone, "Hello, is this the 'Help Desk'?" Dogbert wears a headset and sits at a computer. He replies, "No, that group got reengineered out of existence." Dogbert continues, "I'm the new 'No Help Whatsoever Desk.' My job is to make sure you never call again." The man asks, "Can you tell me how to make a pie chart?" Dogbert replies, "Crush your computer into small chunks, add flour and bake one hour." Dogbert continues, "While you're waiting, read the free novel we sent you. It's a Spanish story about a guy named 'Manual.'" Dogbert continues, "Repeat the process until you get the desired result." The man sits next to an oven reading an instruction manual. He thinks, "This lost a LOT in the translation."