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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Dogbert says to the jury, "Although the insanity defense does not apply to my client, we have something just as good." Dogbert points to Dilbert and explains, "My client is an 'engineer savant.' He understands technology but nothing else." Dogbert pulls Dilbert's foot out from under the table and says, "As evidence, I submit my client's white socks, complete with the sock protector and auxiliary writing tools."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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I declare myself the patron saint of technology.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"I've never seen you do any real work around here, Irv. How do you get away with it?" "I wrote the code for our accounting system back in the mid-eighties. It's a million lines of undocumented spaghetti logic." "It's the Holy Grail of technology!!" "You boys may find a little extra in your envelopes this month."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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I'm starting a new career as a technology pundit and columnist.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"What makes you think you're qualified to be a technology columnist?" "It's easy." "In this article I explain why I'm smarter than the entire Microsoft corporation." "Actually, they're mostly geniuses. And many are millionaires." "If they're so smart, why aren't they columnists?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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I'm going to the big technology show.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"I can predict the future by assuming that money and male hormones are the driving forces for new technology." "Therefore, when virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed." "Year 2004" "Is Dilbert available?" "He's been in the holodeck since March."

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The Boss, Dilbert and Wally sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "I came up with a new name for our group." The Boss continues, "From now on we're the 'Engineering Science Research Technology Systems Information Quality and Excellence Center.'" Wally says, "You should throw 'efficiency' in there too." The Boss holds up a long piece of paper and says, "I designed the business cards myself."

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Dilbert stands in front of the Boss's desk and says, "There's a strange smell in the cubes." The Boss responds, "We're using aroma technology!" The Boss explains, "For example, research shows that the scent of lemon makes employees more alert." Dilbert sniffs the air and says, "That's not lemon." The Boss says, "My job's easier when you guys aren't too alert."

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Dogbert sits at a conference table with a businessman. Dogbert says, "You'll use your technical expertise and I'll do the business stuff. Sign here." As the businessman signs the contract Dogbert says, "Since you're the inventor of the technology, you'll get 100% of the special decorative non-equity stock. I'll settle for all the common stock." The businessman says, "I hope we can avoid the tension that some partners experience." Dogbert says angrily, "Give me my pen, you miscreant."