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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Dilbert says to The Boss, "I can't start the project because the user won't give me his requirements." The Boss replies, "Start making something anyway. Otherwise we'll look unhelpful." Dilbert says, "So, our plan is to cleverly hide our competence." The Boss responds, "You think too much."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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The Boss addresses a meeting, "Jimmy will explain our new marketing strategy." Jimmy says, "A study of past customers shows that 96% of them have flu symptoms." Jimmy continues, "Apparently, sick people are the most likely to buy from us. We don't know why." Jimmy points to a slide of an ill man and says, "So we redesigned our ad campaign to appeal to sick people." Alice says to Jimmy, "You're confusing cause and effect. Your study shows that our products make people sick." Jimmy responds, "Alice, let's not reinvent a dead horse." Alice panics and says, "Suddenly nothing makes sense.. I must have slipped into the meeting duh-mension!" Alice leans back in a daze and says, "Floating.. Scared.. Darkness." The Boss says, "This usually lasts about 10 minutes."

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The Boss says to Dilbert, "There's no budget for your project; you need to tin-cup it." Dilbert asks, "What?" The Boss says, "Be like a beggar and ask each department to give you a bit of their budget." Dilbert is sitting next to a man whose organs are coming out of his mouth. Dilbert says, "Well, now that you've laughed your guts out, do you feel better?" The man replies, "Erk!"

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Dilbert and Dogbert are sitting at the kitchen table. Dogbert says, "They believe in Feng Shui. They believe in the pet psychic." Dogbert continues, "This suggests an excellent new career for me." Carol approaches The Boss and says, "The furniture psychic is here. He says my wastebasket is in love with my desk."

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Headline: Furniture Psychic. Dogbert stands on The Boss' desk wearing a magician's hat. Dogbert says, "Your old chair has passed to the other side." Dogbert continues, "He says you'll know what this means: 'Squeak, squeak." The Boss cries and says, "Yes." Dogbert says, "Your desk says, 'Thanks for the gum.'" The Boss sobs, "I need closure!"

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Dogbert is standing on a desk, still in his magician's hat. Dilbert says, "You have to stop telling people that you can talk to furniture. It's not right." Dogbert replies, "You work for a company that actively misleads customers. How's that different?" Dilbert says, "We call it marketing, and we don't wear hats." Dogbert responds, "The table says you're a hypocrite."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Wally hands The Boss a sheet of paper and says, "I took the initiative and made a list of people you could downsize." The Boss looks at the list and responds, "This is just the department phone list with your name covered up." Wally says, "That's the sort of efficiency that kept me off the list."

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The Boss stands in front of his manager's desk. The manager yells, "You fool! How could you be so stupid!" The Boss approaches Dilbert and yells, "You fool! How could you be so stupid!" Dilbert picks up his coffee mug and yells, "You stupid coffee mug!!"

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The Boss addresses a meeting, "Our CEO will be joining us in a minute." The Boss continues, "As usual, he'll be making an awkward attempt to seem like 'just plain folk.'" The CEO enters. He points to the chair next to Wally and says, "Excuse me - is this ordinary chair available for an average guy like me?" The CEO rolls up his sleeves and says, "I'll roll up my sleeves and get to work. I'm not too good for real work." The CEO turns to Alice and says, "I have a secretary, but it's almost as if I work for her. Ha ha! It's ironic." The CEO says, "Last weekend I wore blue jeans and drove a tractor!" A driver approaches the CEO and says, "Sir, your helicopter is here to take you to your island fortress for the fox hunt." The CEO turns to the meeting and says, "Itty bitty fortress." The driver adds, "The interns are already in full fox costumes."

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Headline: Dogbert the Headhunter. Dogbert says to a client, "Let me tell you how good my CEO placements have been." Dogbert continues, "An astonishing fifty percent of them have performed better than the other half!" Dogbert continues, "If you're on a budget, I recommend one of our stuffed CEO units with a 'Magic 8 Ball' head."