We need three more programmers. "Use agile programming methods." "Agile programming doesn't just mean doing more work with fewer people." "Find me some words that DO mean that and ask again."
We're going to try something called agile programming. "That means no more planning and no more documentation. Just start writing code and complaining." "I'm glad it has a name." "That was your training."
An older man, Dilbert and Wally sit at the lunch table. The man says, "When I started programming, we didn't have any of these sissy 'icons' and 'windows.'" The man continues, "All we had were zeros and ones - and sometimes we didn't even have ones." The man continues, "I wrote an entire database program using only zeros." Dilbert asks, "You had zeros? We had to use the letter 'O.'"
The Boss says to Wally, Dilbert, Asok, and Alice, "We're going to try something called Extreme Programming." The Boss continues, "First, pick a partner. The two of you will work at one computer for forty hours a week." Dilbert and Alice jump on Asok and cling to him. Wally says, "The new system is a minute old and I already hate everyone."
Headline: Extreme Programming. Dilbert says to a business associate, "I can't give you all of these features in the first version." Dilbert continues, "And each feature needs to have what we call a 'user story.'" The business associate responds, "Okay, here's a story: you give me all of my features or I'll ruin your life.'"
Headline: Extreme Programming. Wally and Dilbert are sitting at one computer. The Boss approaches and says, "The two of you will be a code-writing team." The Boss continues, "Studies prove that two programmers on one computer is the most productive arrangement." Dilbert types with a furrowed brow. Wally says, "Sometimes I can whistle through both nostrils. I've saved a fortune in harmonicas."
"We're outsourcing half of our programming work to Elbonia to take advantage of the time difference." "We'll hand off our requirements at the end of our work day and get back the finished code the next morning." "Once again, I have no idea what they want." "Let's pretend we died."
"I've decided to standardize the department on a new programming language." "With all due respect, that sort of decision should be made by someone who knows his mass from a black hole." "The vendor warned me that you couldn't be objective."
How's the coding coming along? "No problem unless..." "...some moron tries to standardize on a new programming methodology in the middle of the project." "What if it's me instead of some moron guy?"
Boss: Wally, you have accomplished none of your goals. I have to let you go. Wally: Actually, I accomplished a lot. I spent the past ten years creating a tangle of undocumented programming code. Every one of our major systems is linked to it. If I don't enter a password every day, the entire company will go into a technology death spiral. If you value your job, you'll give me a huge raise and dance on this table like a monkey!!! Boss: Let's call it a tie. Wally: Yeah, I'm good with that.