Dilbert says to a coworker, "We should add this feature to our product to make it more useful." The coworker responds, "Are you telling me that not ONE person on Earth will use our product without that feature?!!? Dilbert says, "You changed what I said into a bizarre absolute." The coworker exclaims, "Oh, I change everything you say?!"
Dilbert asks, "Dogbert, have you been bored lately?" Dogbert replies, "Yeah, why?" Dilbert replies, "I found this teeny-tiny sweater knitted out of dental floss." Dogbert says, "Oh." Dilbert says, "This is very bizarre." Dogbert replies, "I didn't use a pattern."
"I am the king of my cubicle, the absolute ruler of this tiny realm."
"And these are my loyal subjects: Mister Computer, Mister Stapler, and The Binder family."
"Who spilled coffee?"
"The barbarian is thwarted at the moat."
Dilbert sees a woman and thinks, "Oh no, it's Helena. I had a bizarre dream about her last night." Helena says, "Hi, Dilbert." Dilbert thinks, "I'm always afraid that somehow people know when they've been in my dream." Helena says, "Gee . . . Seeing you reminds me of something . . . But I can't quite put my finger on it . . ." Helena continues, "Hmm . . . It was something bizarre." Dilbert thinks, "She knows." Beads of sweat fly off his forehead. Dilbert covers his eyes and cries, "Stop it! Stop it! I'm sorry I made you wear a cheerleading outfit and glue miniature horses to the couch!!" Dilbert says, "There - it's out. The pressure is lifted . . . I can live again . . ." Helena says, "Oh, now I remember -- I was wondering why you've never been married. But now I understand."
Alice, the Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "The results of the employee survey have been tabulated." The Boss continues, "As always, employees say they are underpaid, blah, blah, blah, and management is incompetent." Alice asks, "And your bizarre, unworldly response will be?" The Boss replies, "Everyone gets a travel alarm clock with the company logo!"
Dilbert stands in front of the Boss's desk and says, "I worked all night but I finished the presentation package you wanted." The Boss looks at a transparency and says, "Put the presentation date on each page." Dilbert says, "Those are color transparencies. It would take hours and cost hundreds of dollars to reprint them." Dilbert continues, "There's no reason to date them. In fact, it would limit future use and clutter the page." Dilbert continues, "But since you're incapable of admitting error . . ." Dilbert bows and continues, "I eagerly await your bizarre, other-worldly explanation for putting the date on each page." The Boss says, "Some people might not have calendars and we have to make sure it's not a holiday." There is an explosion. A cloud of smoke hovers where Dilbert's head should be. Dilbert says, "Ouch. My brain exploded." The Boss says, "The first presentation is February 30th . . ."
Dilbert stands in the bedroom tying his tie. He tells Dogbert, "Our new CEO will be announced today, Dogbert." Dilbert continues, "Rumor has it that they picked a tall caucasian male with no experience in our industry." Dilbert continues, "I can't wait to hear the bizarre logic behind this choice." Dogbert says, "I like your necktie. Is it new?" Dilbert replies, "Shut up." A man stands at a podium and says, "Our new CEO has never worked in our industry, but that's exactly what we were looking for . . ." The man continues, ". . . Because we wanted a CEO who doesn't know what can't be done!" The men prepare to shake hands, but the CEO offers his left hand. The man whispers, "Other hand . . . Other hand." The CEO asks, "Why?" Dilbert says to Wally and Alice, "He looks a bit overqualified." Wally says, "I really took the wrong approach on my resume."
Caption: "Tina the tech writer." Tina holds a paper under her arm. Tina stands at The Bosses desk and says, "I grew tired of writing the same old stories for the newsletter." The Boss reads paper. Tina says, 'So I started inventing stories of bizarre work-place crimes." The Boss reads and looks surprised. Tina says, "Sometimes we in the media have to give the copycat criminals a little kick start."
Wally reads at a desk, Dilbert listens. Wally says, "Our company newsletter has reports of bizarre work-place crimes." Wally reads, "I've never thought of these crimes before, but now I have the urge to be a copycat." Wally turns to Dilbert and says, "Thank goodness my parents raised me to be lazy." Dilbert says, "They were very wise."
"Research has shown that happiness is not related to one's absolute level of wealth." "What matters is one's relative wealth compared to other people." "So, if I do a good job, could you cut this guy's pay?"