Search Results for "Human Asset"


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The Boss approaches Alice who is seated at her desk. He asks, "Alice, I've decided to add a resource to your project." Alice screams, "We're human beings, not 'resources!!'" The Boss looks stunned as he replies, "Would it help if I told you that resources are our most valuable asset?"

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Human resources is a company's most important strategic asset. "That means it's your fault we're losing market share. Maybe you should fire yourself." "Strategic assets don't like accountability."

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Share January 23, 2010's comic on:


Tags: sitting, survey, benefits, human resources Transcript

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CATBERT: EVIL DIRECTOR OF HUMAN RESOURCES Catbert says, ?According to the employee survey, you want fewer benefits.? Dilbert says, ?I don't remember doing a survey.? Catbert says, ?We polled a random sample.? Dilbert says, ?That seems a bit suspicious.? Catbert says, ?In other findings, you want more verbal abuse.?

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Share January 26, 2010's comic on:


Tags: human resources, acid, vat, toxic fumes, standing on chair, scared Transcript

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CATBERT: EVIL DIRECTOR OF HUMAN RESOURCES Catbert says, ?Ted, I'm transferring you to a job with a higher risk of industrial accidents.? Catbert says, ?Your job will involve reaching over a vat of acid while wearing no safety harness.? Ted says, ?Why do we have a vat of acid?? Catbert says, ?Because toxic fumes take forever.?

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Share February 02, 2010's comic on:


Tags: meeting, letter, ceo, reading, good fortune, share, winery, wine, angry, helicopters, human chess board, frighten, dwarves Transcript

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The Boss says, "Our CEO wants to share his good fortune with all employees." The Boss says, "He invites all of you to visit his winery and buy his non-award-winning wine at nearly retail prices." The Boss says, "He asks that you not park your helicopters near his human chess board because it frightens the dwarves."

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Share February 18, 2010's comic on:


Tags: helen fry, ombudsman, devil, no pupils, blank eyes, soul, take, marketing, meeting, asset, volunteer, excited, raise hand, lie Transcript

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Asok says, "Our ombudsman took my soul in exchange for a favorable view." Asok says, "I'd like a transfer to marketing, where having no soul is widely considered an asset." Man says, "I need someone who can make our product sound competitive without vomiting on his own copy." Asok says, "Ooh! Ooh!"

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Share March 16, 2010's comic on:


Tags: meeting, coworker, software, product, sitting, technical issue, understand, terms, comprehension level, human, squirrel, anvil, awkward, community college Transcript

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The Boss says, "Dilbert, explain to Logan the technical issue in terms he can understand." Dilbert says, "Sure. What's his comprehension level? Are we talking human, squirrel or anvil?" The Boss says, "Which one am I?" Dilbert says, "Don't make this awkward." The Boss says, "Did the squirrel go to a community college?"

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Share March 30, 2010's comic on:


Tags: human resources, evil director, employee, morale, high, happy, overpaid, nature, yell, clouds, unhappy, hands clasped Transcript

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Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Catbert says, "I'm getting reports that your morale is too high." Catbert says, "Happiness is nature's way of informing human resources that you're overpaid." Employee says, "Nature wants me to be unhappy?" Catbert says, "Don't blame me. Go yell at the clouds."

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Share March 31, 2010's comic on:


Tags: human resources, evil director, meeting, leadership, empty promises, imaginary, work, weekend, promoted Transcript

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Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Catbert says, "Leadership is the art of trading imaginary things in the future?" Catbert says, "For real things today." Catbert says, "If you work all weekend, you might be promoted someday, if there's ever an opening... and no one else is more qualified."

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Share May 06, 2010's comic on:


Tags: evil director of human resources, email, funny videos, angry, yell, mouth open, privacy, guess, hurts Transcript

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Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Catbert says, "100% of your email messages this month involved links to funny videos." Wally says, "The company is violating my right to privacy! This is an outrage!" Catbert says, "Actually, I was just guessing." Wally says, "It still hurts."