Search Results for "Ted"

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The Losing Team

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The Losing Team  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 16, 2018's comic on:


Tags #blockchain, #training, #improvement, #legacy, #education, #skills

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Dilbert: I'd like to work on our blockchain project to keep my skills updated. Boss: I need you to be a team player and maintain our legacy systems until your technical skills become obsolete. Dilbert: What kind of team is that? Boss: You'll be on the losing team.

Exactly What Guilty People Say

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Exactly What Guilty People Say  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 13, 2018's comic on:


Tags #conspiracy, #accusation, #guilt, #innocence, #logic, #rumor

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Narrator: How conspiracy theories happen... Carol: Alice says you deleted her files on the server. Dilbert: That didn't happen. She's nuts. Carol: Ha! You wouldn't be so angry if it weren't true. Dilbert: What? That doesn't even make sense. Carol: That's exactly what guilty people say. Narrator: Continued...

He Didn't Deny It

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He Didn't Deny It - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 12, 2018's comic on:


Tags #rumor, #conspiracy, #sources, #vetting, #accusation, #guilt, #innocence

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Narrator: How conspiracy theories happen. Catbert: I've heard from multiple sources that you deleted Alice's files on the server. Dilbert: Your multiple sources all heard it from Alice. That is only one source. Catbert: He didn't deny it. Narrator: Continued...

Dilbert Tries To Gaslight

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Dilbert Tries To Gaslight - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 11, 2018's comic on:


Tags #conspiracy, #aspersions, #paranoia, #accusation, #rumor, #gaslighting

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Narrator: How conspiracy theories happen. Boss: Alice says you're trying to cover up the fact that you deleted her files. Dilbert: I didn't delete her files. You're both insane. Alice: What did he say? Boss: He tried to gaslight me. That proves he's guilty. Narrator: Continued...

Dilbert Starts The Cover Up

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Dilbert Starts The Cover Up  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 10, 2018's comic on:


Tags #conspiracy, #aspersions, #suspicion, #blame, #proof, #guilt, #innocence

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Narrator: How conspiracy theories happen. Alice: I think Dilbert is trying to ruin my career. Carol said he was mad about something I said, and hew as in the server room right before I lost my files. This morning he said he "had work to do." Boss: OMG. He already started the cover-up. Narrator: Continued...

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 08, 2018's comic on:


Tags #surveillance, #spying, #technology, #lying, #caught, #busted, #guilt, #proof

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Dilbert: Why didn't you answer my email? Boss: I didn't get it. Dilbert: My lie-detector app detected stress in your voice. I checked your email history on the server, and it confirms you opened my email. Boss: That could have been a hacker with my password. Dilbert: I'm checking the security camera footage for your office at that time. And there you are opening my email. Now will you admit you got my email? Boss: I'm seriously considering it.

Bad Data

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Bad Data - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 03, 2018's comic on:


Tags #data, #information, #accuracy

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Boss: What does the data tell us to do? Dilbert: We only have bad data on this. Boss: Does the bad data suggest we should do what we wanted to do anyway? Dilbert: Well, yes. Boss: That's called "good data."

Anyone Fired Lately

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Anyone Fired Lately - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 31, 2018's comic on:


Tags #blame, #fired, #scapegoat, #laziness, #excuse

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Wally: Before I give my project status report, has anyone quit or been fired recently? Boss: I fired Ted last week. Now tell me why your project is late. Wally: It was Ted's fault.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 25, 2018's comic on:


Tags #team, #teamwork, #collaboration, #excuses, #group project

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Dilbert: Thank you all for coming. I'm hoping we can make a lot of progress in the next hour. Alice; I didn't get any sleep last night, so don't expect much from me. Asok: I'm so hungry I can barely think. Man 1: I might be a bit distracted today because my wife told me she wants to leave me. Wally: I can't stay for the whole meeting. I have another thing in a few minutes Man 2: I'm only here to sabotage your project because I can't abide the success of others. Dilbert; Why don't all of you leave now and I'll make all the decisions myself. Boss: How'd the team meeting go? Dilbert: Better than I expected.

Moth Man Keeps Popping In

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Moth Man Keeps Popping In - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 16, 2018's comic on:


Tags #conversation, #talking, #frustration, #workload, #annoyance

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Dilbert: I can't get any work done because the storytelling mothman keeps popping in to my cubicle uninvited. Why did you hire a storytelling mothman in the first place? Was it not obvious this would happen? Boss: Everyone's a genius in hindsight.

Anger Issues

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Anger Issues - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 13, 2018's comic on:


Tags #anger issues, #listen to crazy people, #mental problems, #work weekend, #crazy people

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The Boss: Im worried that all of my employees might have mental problems. The Boss: They exhibited anger issues when I told them to work all weekend for no extra pay. CatBert: Did they say you're the cause off their mental problems? The Boss: I dont listen to crazy people.

Wally Pivots

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Wally Pivots - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 06, 2018's comic on:


Tags #work ethic, #laziness, #deception, #projects

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Wally: My project was failing, so I pivoted to a different idea with the same name. Later, I'll change the project name to cover my tracks. Asok: What about your sunk costs? Wally: Gone like footprints in the sands of time.

Sunk Costs

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Sunk Costs - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 05, 2018's comic on:


Tags #money, #big business, #logic, #loss, #deception

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Dilbert: The economics of the project have changed. We need to shut it down. Boss: If we stop now, the $10 million we already spent will be wasted. Dilbert: And if we stop later? Boss: The trick is to never finish the project.

Ted Dies By Software

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Ted Dies By Software - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 02, 2018's comic on:


Tags #self-driving cars, #technology, #bug, #program, #programming, #morals, #ethics

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Wally: Our self-driving car went off a cliff with Ted in it. Did you tweak the software to make that happen? Dilbert; No, that was a bug. Wally: Was it a known bug? Dilbert: Now we're getting into a gray area.

Dilbert Won't Kill

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Dilbert Won't Kill - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 01, 2018's comic on:


Tags #morals, #ethics, #self-driving cars, #murder

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Boss: Can you program our self-driving car prototype to drive Ted off a bridge so I don't have to fire him? Dilbert: Just because I have the power to kill a person and leave no evidence whatsoever doesn't meal I'll do it. Boss: He says he won't kill anyone. Alice: Crud! Asok: Shoot! Carol: Dang!

Asok Is A Narcissist Too

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Asok Is A Narcissist Too - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 26, 2018's comic on:


Tags #situation, #too dumb, #narcissist, #Right, #wrong

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Ted: Dilbert is a total narcissist, He refuses to admit when he'swrong. Asok: How would the situation look any different to you if he's actually right most of the time and you're too dumb to know it? Ted: I don't understand your point. Asok: According to your that makes me a narcissist.

Alice Gives Honest Opinion

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Alice Gives Honest Opinion - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 24, 2018's comic on:


Tags #honest opinion, #monkey vomit, #rescind, #request

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The Boss: Alice, I want your honest opinion on my plan. Don't hold back. Alice: Your plan looks like a monkey vomited on a dictionary. The Boss: I remind my request for honesty,. Alice: Your plan is terrific!

User Specifications Are Not Complete

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User Specifications Are Not Complete  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 23, 2018's comic on:


Tags #user specifications, #apps, #build app, #no hope, #fantasize

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Dilbert: are these user specifications complete? Ted: No, I plan to add requirements as you build the app until you have no hope of success and you fantasize about strangling me. Dilbert: Do you know what isn't as refreshing as you'd hope? Dogbert: Honesty?

Success Diminishes Other Guy

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Success Diminishes Other Guy   - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 15, 2018's comic on:


Tags #ideas, #diminshed, #support, #stab me, #great deas, #discussion, #argument

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Ted: Your idea is great, but I plan to oppose it because I feel diminished by the success of others. Dilbert: Maybe you could support it now and then stab me in the back later. Ted: That's two great ideas you've had today. Dilbert: thank you.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 07, 2018's comic on:


Tags #hot peppers, #competition, #burned, #unedible, #face burned, #fire, #group, #face burn, #head, #flame

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Topper Dilbert: I tried a Habanero pepper last night, It almost burned off my face. Ted: Thats Nothing. I can eat the hottest peppers in the world and not even break a sweat. Dilbert: Im glad you said that, because I have with me the hottest peppers in the world. Ted: Pfft. easy. Gulp. FOOM! Dilbert: Will you admit you were wrong? Ted: You don't see any sweat , do you?

Laying Down Suppressive Fire

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Laying Down Suppressive Fire   - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 01, 2018's comic on:


Tags #rumor, #aspersions, #accusing, #accusation

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Wally: If Ted complains about me not doing my job, keep in mind that he steals from the company. And he only has time for stealing because sometimes he takes time off from all of his lying. Dilbert: What was that all about? Wally: I was laying down suppressive fire.

The Problem Is Humans

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The Problem Is Humans  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 30, 2017's comic on:


Tags #culture, #consultant, #human nature, #company culture

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Boss: Our consultant has studied our corporate culture and isolated the problem. Dogbert: The problem is humans. You're all selfish, rotten liars. Boss: What kind of team-building exercise will fix that? Dogbert: I'd try something involving DNA and alien technology.

Elbonian Hackers Delete Wally's Report

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Elbonian Hackers Delete Wally's Report - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 09, 2017's comic on:


Tags #evidence, #excuses, #hackers, #hacking, #laziness, #assignment, #elbonians, #a, #zing report

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Boss: Did you finish your assignment? Wally: Yes, but Elbonian hackers deleted my report along with all of my backups. Boss: I have no way of knowing that's true. Wally: It was an amazing report! Better than you've ever seen.

Fake Email From The Ceo

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Fake Email From The Ceo - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 06, 2017's comic on:


Tags #virus, #infection, #malware, #technology, #typo, #literacy

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Dilbert: I can't delete the Elbonian virus in our network. It keeps replicating. Holy carp! It created a fake email full of typos and bad ideas and sent it out from our CEO's account! Wait, no. That's actually from our CEO. Wally: Maybe the virus can fix him.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 03, 2017's comic on:


Tags #team, #teamwork, #team building, #death, #cover-up, #denial, #human resources, #drowning, #rafting

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Boss: As you know, our team-building event did not go smoothly. In my defense, I had no way of knowing a class 6 whitewater adventure would be so bumpy. It took me by surprise when Ted fell in. But I'm proud that we came together as a team and agreed to not look for him. It would have ruined our timing for lunch. Anyway, I'm sure Ted swam to safety. Dilbert: Ted doesn't know how to swim. Boss: All in favor of pretending Ted didn't attend the event? Catbert: They didn't have life vests? Boss: You're thinking of the deluxe package.

Forecasts Are Guessing Plus Math

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Forecasts Are Guessing Plus Math - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 01, 2017's comic on:


Tags #guessing, #finances, #forecast, #estimate

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Boss: Your financial forecast turned out to be wrong. Dilbert: Is that a surprise, given that forecasts are mostly just guessing plus math? Boss: The math is supposed to fix the guessing. Dilbert: I think we've isolated the problem to you.