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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 23, 2001's comic on:


Tags #growing into job, #accelerated evolution, #progarm, #million years, #two day classes, #lose fire, #opposable thimbs

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The Boss sits at his desk with his hands crossed. He says, "Monty. You're not growing into your job as quickly as I hoped." Monty, a monkey in a suit, stands opposite from The Boss, looking grim. The Boss' voice continues, "So I signed you up for an accelerated evolution program. They pack a million years into a two-day class." Dogbert stands in front of a blackboard atop a stool and yells to Monty and the monkey behind him as they enter the classroom. He says authoritatively, "Hurry up! We've already lost the opposable thumbs module; let's not lose fire too."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 29, 1999's comic on:


Tags #dogberts, #accelerated course, #check book, #final exam, #todays date

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Tina talks on the phone at her cubicle, and says, "I'd like to enroll in Dogbert's accelerated management course." Dogbert says, "Take out yout checkbook and begin your final exam now." Tina says, "Question one: What is today's date?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 24, 2001's comic on:


Tags #evolution training, #make it thourgh, #banana, #peel, #gorillas, #neanderthal, #monkeys, #jungle naimals

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Headline: Evolution Training. Dogbert stands atop a stool in front of students with a pointer in his hand. He says, "Some of you will not make it through the class." A banana who happens to be seated next to a gorilla raises its hand and asks, "May I move to a different seat?" The rest of the class looks on. Dogbert responds, "Sure... Oops. Problem solved. Carl, don't leave that where someone will slip on it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 25, 2001's comic on:


Tags #evolution training, #zoltar, #graduate, #class, #new sideburns, #speed evolution

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Headline: Evolution Training. Dogbert is standing atop a stool with a pointer in his hand. Zoltar is standing in front of the class. Dogbert introduces him, "Zoltar is a graduate of this class. He will demonstrate speed evolving." Zoltar shows the class his talent as Dogbert watches from his stool. He shakes with clenched fists and grunts, "Unh... Errr...Hoo...Ahh." Dogbert continues to stare at Zoltar, who now has small hands growing out of the side of his head. Zoltar responds, "I hope you're staring at my new sideburns."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 26, 2001's comic on:


Tags #evolution class, #two day course, #surfing student, #cocky squirrel, #janiotr, #three thousand pound squirrel

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Dilbert and Dogbert are sitting at the kitchen table, having cereal and coffee. Dilbert is still in his bathrobe. Dogbert says, "By the end of my two-day evolution class I had one surviving student." Dogbert continues as Dilbert raises his coffee cup, "He's probably the cockiest squirrel I've ever seen. Toward the end he weighed three thousand pounds." Dogbert continues as Dilbert takes a sip, "If you asked me who's the unluckiest person in the world, I'd have to say it was the janitor."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 03, 2008's comic on:


Tags #adventurer, #alternate universe, #billionaire, #evolution, #kills the strong, #south pole, #universe

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Anti-Dilbert says, "In my alternate universe, the one we call Wally is a billionaire entrepreneur and adventurer." Anti-Dilbert says, "No one has seen him since he tried to swim to the south pole." Anti-Dilbert says, "In my universe, evolution kills the strong." Wally says, "Sounds like he had it coming."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 08, 2008's comic on:


Tags #time management, #evolution, #good management, #tasks, #genes, #dead end

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Dogbert says, "Welcome to Dogbert's seminar on time management and evolution." Dogbert says, "The key to good time management is skipping un-important tasks." Dogbert says, "In module two, I will show you that everything you do is unimportant because your genes are a dead end."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 31, 2014's comic on:


Tags #relations between the sexes, #Women, #boss, #injected, #job performance drugs, #jerk, #kryptonite, #evolution, #physical attributes

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Dilbert: our boss injected me with job performance enhancing drugs. Alice: Gaaa!!! Evolution has made me attracted to your physical attributes! Dilbert: I'm sort of a jerk now. Alice: Noooo! That's my kryptonite!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 08, 1992's comic on:


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Dogbert and Dilbert sit outdoors. Dilbert says, "Evolution must be true because it is a logical conclusion of the scientific method." Dogbert replies, "But science is based on the irrational belief that because we cannot perceive reality all at once, things called 'time' and 'cause and effect' exist." Dilbert says angrily, "That's what I was taught and that's what I believe." Dogbert replies, "Sounds cultish."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Dilbert sits at his desk and Ratbert sits on the desk holding his arms out. Dilbert says, "Evolution takes millions of years, Ratbert. You'll be long gone before rats develop flying skills." Ratbert replies, "That's what they said to the Wright brothers." Dilbert says, "But THEY built an airplane." Ratbert flaps his arms and asks, "Don't you think they tried this first?"