Search Results for "assume project failed"

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 21, 1994's comic on:


Tags #quality award, #dishonest parts, #project lost budget, #assume project failed

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert and Dogbert sit at the table. Dilbert works on a laptop and says to Dogbert, "I have to submit my project for a 'quality' award. I'll need your help on the dishonest parts." Dilbert continues, "The real story is that the project lost its budget because its acronym was similar to a project that was canceled." Dogbert says, "Assume your project would have failed and claim the savings from avoiding it." Dilbert says, "You're spooky."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 25, 2007's comic on:


Tags #in charge, #assignment, #budget, #approve expenses, #report, #project plan, #take blame, #project failed

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss: You'll be in charge of this project. Dilbert: What's my budget?" The Boss: I'll need to approve all expenses. Dilbert: Who will report to me? The Boss: Your team will report to me and I'll tell them what to do. Dilbert: I'll start on the project plan. The Boss: Um... Skip that part. I already have a plan in my head. Dilbert: Hypothetically, who would take the blame if this project failed? Well, you're in charge...

Women Communicate Better

Thank you for voting.
Women Communicate Better - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 08, 2015's comic on:


Tags #gender, #listening, #talking, #conversation, #communication, #roles

View Transcript

Transcript

Alice: your project failed because there were no women on the team. Women have better communication skills. Every study shows that. Are you listening? Dilbert: Outwardly, yes.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 03, 1994's comic on:


Tags #rock paper scissors, #project approved, #toss up, #random selection

View Transcript

Transcript

How Decisions Are Made The Boss: 1-2-3 Rock! scissors! The Boss: Your project is approved...unless scissors can't cut rock. Dilbert: assume its sheet rock.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 12, 1999's comic on:


Tags #personal goal, #self actaulization, #outdated binders, #alpahbetical, #reqiuested, #feel unfulfilled, #phase two, #project, #find meaning, #ship binders, #dump

View Transcript

Transcript

Asok stands in front of the boss desk and says, "I fear I am not meeting my personal goal of self actualization." Asok says, "I put all of our outdated binders in alphabetical order as you requested, yet I feel unfulfilled." Asok says, "I assume that in phase two of this project I will find meaning." The boss says, "Now ship the binders to the dump."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 10, 2001's comic on:


Tags #managing by exception, #do good job, #project important, #name

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss comes into Wally's cubicle and says, "From now on I'll be managing by exception." The Boss continues, "If I don't talk to you for months, assume you're doing a good job." The Boss continues talking, saying "...Or that you're project isn't important...Or that I don't remember your name."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 21, 2000's comic on:


Tags #behind schedule, #created without knowledge, #future, #wild guesses, #surrigates, #knowledge, #project dealines, #trade, #show dates, #failure assured, #apologize, #budgets are created

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss asks Dilbert, "Can you explain why your project is behind schedule?" Dilbert answers, "Yes. A schedule is an artificial device created without knowledge of the future." Dilbert goes on to say, "Wild guesses are used as surrogates for knowledge." Dilbert says to the Boss, "Project deadlines ae tied to trade show dates instead of reality." Dilbert continues his explanation, "Then management cuts the budget until failure is assured." Dilbert says to the Boss, "I assume you called me here so you can apologize for your role in all this." The Boss sits in his chair looking puzzled and amazed. Dilbert then asks the Boss, "Would you like to hear how budgets are created?"

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 15, 2014's comic on:


Tags #blame, #deadlines, #originality, #partnership, #project milestones, #toxic moron, #incapable, #original thought, #same

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: You two have failed to meet your project milestones. Dilbert: That's because you paired me with a toxic moron who is incapable of having an original thought. Coworker: That happened to me, too.

What Phase Of The Project

Thank you for voting.
What Phase Of The Project - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 26, 2015's comic on:


Tags #insult, #insulting, #project, #questioning

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: What phase is your project in? Dilbert: This is the phase where people ask stupid questions. Boss: How long does it last? Dilbert: It isn't looking good for today.

Wally Heads Up Ai Project

Thank you for voting.
Wally Heads Up Ai Project - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 20, 2016's comic on:


Tags #work ethic, #laziness, #project, #fake

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: Wally, I need you to head up our artificial intelligence project. You will have no budget and no hope of success. I just like saying we're working on AI. And you're completely useless, so it's a good match. Wally: I won't let you down.