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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 07, 1990's comic on:


Tags #dinosaurs, #singing, #instruments, #crowd, #bite, #head, #somebody, #front, #row, #ozzy, #osbourne

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Bob the Dinosaur, Dawn the Dinosaur and Dogbert sit on the floor. Bob says, "We'll kick off the dinosaur comeback tour by singing 'My Way.'" Bob continues, "Then we'll break the instruments, wade into the crowd and bite the head off somebody in the front row!" Dogbert replies, "'Ozzy Osbourne' already did that."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 10, 1991's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #bug, #bit, #me, #powers, #expect, #beetle, #radioactive, #bite

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Dilbert walks through the house wearing a super hero suit. Dilbert thinks, "I should be acquiring super powers any moment from that radioactive bug bite." Dilbert says to Dogbert, "I wish I knew what kind of bug bit me, so I'd know what powers to expect." Dogbert says, "Let's look it up." Dilbert and Dogbert sit at the table looking through a book. Dilbert says, "Dung Beetle."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 13, 1995's comic on:


Tags #marketing dept., #best engineers, #leverage technology, #ant farms, #speadsheets, #ant milk, #ant fram engineer, #ordered dilbert, #milk from ant, #no risk, #bite sized ant jerky

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Dogbert sits at a desk and says, "Here's how your marketing department can help retain your best engineers." The caption says, "Marketing gets an idea." A man points to a diagram and says, "We'll leverage our technology by building ant farms." The caption says, "Spreadsheets make the idea look profitable." The Boss and the man sit at a conference table. The man says, "The ant milk alone will be a positive NPV!" The Boss replies, "Wow!" He thinks, "What's an NPV?" The caption says, "Don't forget the 'worst case scenario.'" The man says, "Worst case, somebody builds a gigantic magnifying glass next door." The man contines, "Solution: bite-sized ant jerky!" The Boss says, "There's no risk!" The caption says, "An engineer will be assigned to the project." The Boss says to Dilbert, "Ant farms! Do it!" Dilbert thinks, "Uh-oh." The caption says, "The engineer will challenge the assumptions." Dilbert says, "You can't get a gallon of milk from an ant!" The Boss asks, "What do YOU know about marketing?" The caption says, "Result: the engineer will never leave the company." An interviewer asks Dilbert, "So . . . Your current job is 'Ant Farm Engineer'?" Dilbert thinks, "I'm doomed."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 23, 2000's comic on:


Tags #questioned by boss, #work here, #take a bite

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The boss, walking past Dilbert, says, "What the...?" The boss says, "You still work here?" Dilbert thinks, "That's gonna take a bite out of my productivity."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 29, 2010's comic on:


Tags #basic research, #donuts, #stupid, #increase profits, #stern, #sit in chair, #first bite

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Wally says, "I'm doing basic research to test my theory that donuts make other people stupid." The Boss says, "I expect you to do basic research that will increase our profits this quarter." Wally says, "Wow. It works on the first bite."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 16, 2008's comic on:


Tags #archaic sayings, #bite the hand, #cost of measuring, #direct deposit, #measuring incorrectly, #rock carving, #software development, #web design, #wise sayings

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The Boss: My management philosophy is 'measure' twice, cut once. Dilbert: That only makes sense in a narrow, and generally archaic, set of conditions. In software development, the item being cut, metaphorically speaking, is often plentiful and inexpensive. In many cases, the cost of measuring incorrectly is low compared to the time wasted doing two measurements before every action. Your philosophy is better suited for rock carving than web design. Do you have any wise sayings that involve churning your own butter, or putting saddles on dinosaurs?" The Boss: Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Dilbert: I have direct deposit."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 21, 1994's comic on:


Tags #dilbert date, #asks lunch date, #cheryl, #full of lunch, #rejection, #next week, #turned down, #lame excuse, #office, #co worker

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Dilbert: Hi Cheryl. would you like to have lunch with me next week? Cheryl: I..uh...already ate lunch. Im not hungry. Dilbert: Im talking about next week!! Cheryl: I don't think I can have another bite, all full.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 11, 1996's comic on:


Tags #team building, #exercise, #solve problems, #working sundial, #pencil, #donut, #make any differnce, #health

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Dogbert says to Alice, Dilbert, the Boss and Wally, "This next exercise will challenge your ability to solve problems as a team." Dogbert says, "Build a working sundial using only a pencil and a donut." Four hours later, the Boss says with his mouth full, "One more bite isn't going to make any difference." The pencil lies next to a pile of crumbs on the table. Dilbert covers his eyes and sobs.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 25, 1996's comic on:


Tags #aging, #embarrased, #our dept secreatry, #our mail room, #pay simple invoice, #protect reputation, #six months, #work at company

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Dilbert sits on the couch and Dogbert sits on the armrest. Dilbert says, "I'm embarrassed to work at my company, Dogbert." Dilbert continues, "We can't even pay a simple invoice in less than six months." Dilbert continues, "First it comes to our mail room for aging." Two men stand in a pile of mail. One says, "Do we like Dilbert?" The other man replies, "Bad haircut. Penalty box." Dilbert continues, "Months later it gets to our department secretary." Dilbert says to the secretary, "It's urgent." She replies, "I'll start ignoring it immediately." Dilbert continues, "Eventually my boss gets it. He uses it to demonstrate his inability to grasp the concept of time." The Boss says, "Let's get some more bids." Dilbert replies, "That was the PAST. This is the PRESENT." Dilbert continues, "If it makes it to the accounts payable group, it will be eaten by trolls." A troll says, "No, thanks. I'm full." Another troll takes a bite out of the invoice and says, "Just a taste." Dilbert asks Dogbert, "How would you protect your reputation if you were associated with something so pathetic?" Dogbert replies, "I'd tell everybody that the doofy guy is my butler. Hypothetically."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 28, 2000's comic on:


Tags #stuck in assignment, #no hope, #succeeding, #sandwhich

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Dilbert is sitting on his sofa at home with a sandwich in his hands and ratbert is sitting on the back of the sofa. Dilbert says: "I'm stuck in an assignment that has no hope of succeeding." Ratbert laughs out loud with his hands on his belly: "Ha, ha,ha,ha,ha" Ratbert says to Dilbert: "Can I have the first bite of our sandwich?"