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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 25, 2012's comic on:


Tags #meetings, #public speaking, #powerpoint slides, #intelligent viwers, #manipulative anecdotes, #boss died, #praise employees

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Dilbert: My PowerPoint slides have a little something for everyone. For my intelligent viewers, I have data, and for the morons, I have manipulative anecdotes. Which reminds me-- did you hear about the boss who died because he didn't praise his employee?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 11, 2012's comic on:


Tags #meetings, #work ethic, #execution, #innovation, #full time job, #excellence, #inspired, #died on inside, #coffee and resentment, #chemical formula for hatred, #drilled employees

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Boss: Execution is a game of inches! You miss 100% of the shots you don't take! Innovation is everyone's full-time job! Be the dog, not the tail! Excellence is the only market that isn't crowded! Why don't any of you look inspired by my leadership? Wally: I died on the inside years ago. Now I'm just a fleshy container full of coffee and resentment. This guy was born without a soul. The she-devil at the end is the chemical formula for hatred. Catbert: Did you get through to them? Boss: I drilled until I hit bile.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 12, 2010's comic on:


Tags #heaven, #hell, #helvin, #died, #angels, #demons, #union, #outsource, #scared, #harp, #unsure, #halo

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The Boss says, "I think I died. Am I in heaven or hell?" Raj says, "You're in Helvin. My name is Raj." Raj says, "Heaven and hell have been outsourcing souls to us since the demons and angels unionized." The Boss says, "So? is this place good or bad?" Raj says, "Well, you get a harp, but you won't like how we give it to you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 07, 2007's comic on:


Tags #ask the intern, #died, #moon shuttle, #sample of dna, #jar, #reincarnate to clone, #jar missing, #needed for candy

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The Boss: "I am sad to report that Asok the intern died during a test of our moon shuttle prototype." "Before he left, he put a sample of his DNA in a jar. His plan is to reincarnate into his own clone." "Where's the jar with Asok's DNA?" Carol: "I needed a second candy jar."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 26, 2014's comic on:


Tags #management jargon, #engage employees, #follow from front, #anything, #tell people, #fake caring situation, #fake passion, #uncle died, #combine both

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Boss: What's the newest management jargon I need to pretend you understand? Catbert: Experts say you should engage employees and follow from the front. Boss: Does that mean anything? Catbert: No one know. Just to be safe, you should tell people you're doing it. Boss: Should I act as if I'm passionate, or is this more of a fake caring situation? Catbert: Beats me. Try combining the two. Boss: Fake passion plus fake caring. Asok: My uncle died. Boss: Woot!!! What was his name?!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 25, 2014's comic on:


Tags #died years ago, #exoskeleton project, #inventions, #obliviousness, #taking bones

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Boss: This is Barry. He has been working on our exoskeleton project for five years. Dilbert: Evidently Barry died years ago, and his exoskeleton keeps taking his bones to meetings. Boss: In my defense, that is only obvious after you say it.

Boss Can't Be Your Friend

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Boss Can't Be Your Friend - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 24, 2016's comic on:


Tags #boss, #double standard, #employee, #hierarchy, #lunch, #rank, #guest artist, #jake tapper

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Man: Do you want to go to lunch? Boss: I can't be your friend because I'm your boss. Someday I might need to fire you, and it would be awkward if we were friends. Alice: Want to go to lunch? Boss: Sure.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 07, 2011's comic on:


Tags #engineers, #managers & supervisors, #ventriloquism, #finishing projects, #early, #powerpoint, #presentation, #executive retreat, #dead boss hand puppet

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Man says, "The engineering department is finishing all of their projects early and we don't know why." CEO says, "Tell them to do a powerpoint presentation at the next executive retreat to share their methods." Asok says, "Now it's my turn to use the dead boss hand puppet!" Alice says, "Uh-oh."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 09, 2011's comic on:


Tags #inventions, #managers & supervisors, #portal, #parallel uiverse, #more prodcutive, #universe, #cops, #alice killed boss

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Asok says, "I created a portal to a parallel universe. My success was possible because Alice killed our boss so we are all more productive." Alice says, "Step aside. The cops have been sniffing around and I need something from the other universe." Alice says, "Look on the bright side, Asok. Some other universe just got a lot more productive."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 10, 2011's comic on:


Tags #honesty, #meat, #question and answer, #meat bags, #boss and emplyee, #realtionship, #office

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Dilbert says, "In this country, it is customary to respond to a question with somehting called an 'answer.'" Dilbert says, "Your approach is more like what I would expect to see if clothing were used as bags for meat." Dilbert says, "Now I will ask my question a seventh time..." The Boss says, "Stop saying what you're thinking."