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The Self Serving Consultant

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The Self Serving Consultant - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 29, 2016's comic on:


Tags #consultant, #cruelty, #laziness, #work ethic, #business

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The Self-Serving Consultant. Dogbert: I recommend firing this guy so you have more money for me. I also recommend withholding his final check until he makes all of my PowerPoint slides for me. Man: This is messed up. Dogbert: Add some recommendations so I sound smart.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 02, 2011's comic on:


Tags #conversation, #discussion, #internet & world wide web, #humor consultant, #have more fun, #internet access to entertainment, #funny comment

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Boss: I hired a humor consultant to teach us how to have more fun at work. Dilbert: Does he cancel out the consultant you hired to filter our Internet access to entertainment? Wally: That was a funny comment. How'd you do that without a consultant?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 05, 2011's comic on:


Tags #embarrassment, #obliviousness, #hired consultant, #less confident, #overconfident people, #don't recognize mistakes, #didn't know studies, #feel like idiot

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Boss: I hired a consultant to teach us how to be less confident. Dilbert: Is that because research has shown that overconfident people don't recognize their own mistakes? Boss: Now I feel like an idiot because I didn't know about those studies. Dogbert: I did him first.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 11, 2012's comic on:


Tags #efficiency experts, #golf, #management consultant, #initate, #golf tournament, #profits, #Sports

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Boss: I hired a management consultant to teach us something he calls backwards causation. Dogbert: I studied the most successful companies. If you imitate them, you'll feel as if you have a strategy. Number one: sponsor a golf tournament so your CEO can meet celebrities. Boss: Profits, here we come.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 03, 1991's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #the boss, #business, #consultant, #credibility, #person, #speak, #slower

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Dogbert sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "Why should I hire you as my business consultant?" Dogbert replies, "I have credibility because I don't work for your company. No smart person would work here full-time." The Boss says, "I work here full-time." Dogbert says, "Sorry. I'll try to speak slower."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 25, 1991's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #customers, #consultant, #tom peters, #follows, #around, #passionate, #criticism, #splitter, #customer

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Dilbert sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "We've got to focus more on the needs of our customers." The Boss points to a man standing next to him and says, "I've hired famous business consultant Tom Peters to follow you around and make passionate criticism." Tom stands behind Dilbert while he works. Tom waves his arms as he asks, "Is this quality? Are you truly focused on the customer?" Dilbert thinks, "Great . . . He's a spitter."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 02, 1994's comic on:


Tags #process engineering consultant, #totally objective, #dont care, #right attitude, #flowing robe, #cherubs

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Dogbert: "You should hire me as your process reengineering consultant." "I would be totally objective about what jobs to eliminate. Frankly, I don't care about anybody at your company!" Dilbert: "You've got the right attitude." Dogbert: "I think I'll wear a flowing robe and surround myself with cherubs."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 10, 1994's comic on:


Tags #ratbert the consultant, #analytical mind, #business consultant, #socially dysfunctional, #brought in, #consulatant

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Ratbert the Consultant Dogbert: It takes more than a brilliant analytical mind to be a business consultant, You also need to be arrogant and socially dysfunctional, Ratbert: Does anybody know what a consultant was brought in to do your thinking? anybody? anbbody?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 21, 1994's comic on:


Tags #dogbert the consultant, #employee turnover, #low rates, #metrics, #turnover rate, #corporate health

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DOGBERT THE CONSULTANT Dogbert and the Boss sit at a conference table. Dogbert says, "A good way to judge corporate health is to look at your employee turnover rate." The Boss says, "Our turnover rate is very low. We only hire people who aren't skilled enough to work anyplace else." Dogbert says, "Maybe metrics aren't the way to go here." The Boss says, "No metric has beaten me yet!!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 22, 1994's comic on:


Tags #dogbert the consultant, #warranty replacements, #customers, #repeat customers

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DOGBERT THE CONSULTANT Dogbert and the Boss sit at a conference table. Dogbert says, "You can gauge your success by the number of repeat customers you have." The Boss says, "I'm proud to say that virtually every customer gets another unit within three months of buying the first one!" Dogbert asks, "What if you don't count warranty replacements?" The Boss replies, "Ooh . . . Then we don't look so good."