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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 13, 2000's comic on:


Tags #gigantic database, #customer behavior, #information, #non linear math, #data mining technology, #optimize retail channels, #spam, #meeting here

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The Boss says to Dilbert, "We have a gigantic database full of customer behavior information." Dilbert says, "Excellent. We can use non-linear math and data mining technology to optimize our retail channels!" The Boss says to Dilbert, "If that's the same thing as spam, we're having a good meeting here."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 02, 2011's comic on:


Tags #frustration, #quarreling, #bullying behavior, #confirmation bias, #delusional witch

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Woman: Let's begin the meeting, but be aware that I'm documenting all of your bullying behavior. Dilbert: Um... I'm not even close to being a bully, but now your confirmation bias will make everything I say sound like bullying to you. Woman: Can you repeat the part after you implied that I'm a delusional witch?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 16, 2011's comic on:


Tags #customer survey data, #marketing, #design, #engineering secret

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The customer survey data is for marketing eyes only. design the next release and we'll tell you if its what everyone wanted. How long will it take? Dilbert: Thats an engineering secret.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 25, 2011's comic on:


Tags #retail business, #service business, #buy company's prodcut, #pulling teeth, #commissions to salary, #free from tyranny, #customer service, #less than ideal, #no paperwork

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Dilbert: I want to buy your company's product but it's like pulling teeth with you. Man: Ha ha! I switched from commissions to a guaranteed salary. I'm free from the tyranny of customer service! Dilbert: This is less than ideal. Man: No paperwork for me! Woot! Woot!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 16, 2012's comic on:


Tags #business ethics, #embarrass your compnay, #etiquette & ethics, #local debauchery, #personal behavior, #pollute ground water, #pollution, #reflect poorly, #elbonia

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Wally: Where can I go to enjoy some of the local debauchery? Elbonian: Aren't you worried that your personal behavior will reflect poorly on your company? Wally: How can I embarrass a company that plans to pollute your groundwater? Elbonian: Say what? Wally in Elbonia

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 17, 1994's comic on:


Tags #customer service, #downsize, #improve service

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The Boss: Our two goals this year are to downsize and to improve customer service. Dilbert: question: how can you improve service if you're getting rid f service people? The Boss: who do you think is screwing up the customer service? duh...

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 06, 1995's comic on:


Tags #ass six meetings, #customer focus, #micro management, #egomaniacal mahifest, #survival, #paper towels, #mens room

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Dilbert stands in front of the Boss's desk. Reading a report, the Boss says, "Change these dates . . . and add six more meetings and use the phrase 'customer focus.'" Dilbert looks down at the desk where a tiny figure has appeared. Dilbert says, "Uh-Oh . . . your micro-management has caused my ego to manifest itself and beg for survival." The tiny figure says, "I'm shrinking!" The Boss splats the tiny figure with a fly swatter and says to Dilbert, "Run and get me some paper towels . . . five of them . . . from the men's room."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 13, 1995's comic on:


Tags #write bug free software, #ten dollar bonus, #find and fox, #right behavior, #new minivan, #afternoon

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The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Our goal is to write bug-free software. I'll pay a ten-dollar bonus for every bug you find and fix." Dilbert, Wally and Alice throw their arms up in excitement. Dilbert yells, "Yahoo!" Alice yells, "We're rich!" Wally yells, "Yes!!! Yes!!! Yes!!!" The Boss says, "I hope this drives the right behavior." Wally says, "I'm gonna write me a new minivan this afternoon!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 13, 1995's comic on:


Tags #modem, #not right, #wrong interface, #commission, #pays dollar, #per customer

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Dilbert reaches for a modem in a computer store. A man says, "No, you fool. That modem will never fit your need." Dilbert reads the box and thinks, "The specs look okay." The man yells, "You're an idiot compared to me! Put that down! It's the wrong interface! The WRONG interface!!!" As Dilbert hands the modem to a salesclerk at the cash register, the man clutches Dilbert's shirt and growls. Dilbert asks the clerk, "Is he on commission?" She answers, "Yeah, he pays us a dollar a customer."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 10, 1996's comic on:


Tags #engineer up, #management support, #meeting, #boss ego, #master at work, #promised customer, #full management support, #sales meeting

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Dilbert says to the Boss, "I need your full management support in this meeting with sales." The Boss replies, "Just watch the master at work." A man says to the Boss, "I promised a customer a product that we don't make. You need to engineer-up a thousand units by early next week." The Boss asks, "Is Thursday okay?" As they walk away, the Boss says to Dilbert, "Wait until he finds out that Thursday isn't 'early next week.' Hee hee!"