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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 17, 2011's comic on:


Tags #anger, #engineers, #honesty, #beginning of decline, #salted note, #good idea, #why don't we format, #social product

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The Boss says, "I have a great idea! Why don't we make our product social?" Dilbert says, "Because when you start to understand a concept, it marks the beginning of its decline." Dilbert says, "On a related note, it's never a good idea to ask an engineer a question in the 'why don't we' format."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 09, 1997's comic on:


Tags #engineering conference, #most valuable asset, #decline, #overtime, #assets decline, #fine art, #every year, #louve, #certification of depreciation, #earned your air

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The Boss is on stage behind a podium and speaks to the crowd. "The theme of this engineering conference is..." Dilbert, Wally, and Alice sit in the front row. The Boss continues, "Employees are our most valuable asset." He says, "And lik emost assets, you decline in value over time." He says, "I know what you're thinking: Not all assets decline in value." He says, "For example, fine art is worth more every year." The Boss points to an image of Wally and says, "But I don't think the Louvre will be asking for one of these anytime soon." The Boss introduces Catbert and says, "On your way our, Mister Catbert will give each one of you a certificate of depreciation." Wally says, "It's still better than last year's theme, "Have you earned your air today?" Catbert hands Dilbert his award.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 17, 2000's comic on:


Tags #marketing, #respectfully decline, #join hallucination, #bah

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The Boss says to Dilbert, "I heard that you won't give marketing the information they need." Dilbert replies, "I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination." Dilbert says to Dogbert, "Your system works." Dogbert repies, "Next time try shortening it to 'Bah'.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 06, 2001's comic on:


Tags #low battery indicator, #work day and night, #health decline, #other peoples problems, #creep likes

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The feature creep Creep: Is it too late to give our product a low battery indicator? Dilbert: Id have to work night and day for a month! My health would decline and Id miss all my objectives! Creep: I jus realized that other peoples problems make me all warm inside.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 28, 2001's comic on:


Tags #good job, #meeting woman, #late, #sixty hour week, #stock options decline, #not impressed

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A woman asks Dilbert, "Do you have a good job?" Dilbert says, "It depends on what you mean by good." Dilbert continues, "If you consider the decline of my stock options, I work sixty hours a week for nothing." The woman says, "Hey, look at the time." Dilbert says, "My boss thinks I work eighty hours. Hee hee!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 12, 2005's comic on:


Tags #marketing campiagn, #free samples, #worked, #decline, #intelligence, #conclusion, #marketing

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Dilbert: "My marketing plan involved giving free samples of our cruddy product to celebrity lookalikes." "The fact that it worked caused a steep decline in my respect for the intelligence of people." "In conclusion, there's a fine line between marketing and hating."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 03, 2007's comic on:


Tags #ceo's meeting, #boos, #Dilbert, #status on technology, #platform migration, #nothing to hide, #100 drunken clowns, #beed in their underpants, #decline in morale, #pretending tow ork, #get fired, #hide things

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CEO Meeting The Boss: "I brought Dilbert in case you have any technical questions." CEO: "What's the status on the technology platform migration project?" The Boss: "Be completely honest. We have nothing to hide." Dilbert: "Well, okay." "The project is like a hundred drunken clowns with bees in their underpants." "I expect the decline in morale to lead to violence." "Most of us are only pretending to work while secretly hoping the project gets canceled after you get fired by the board." "It turns out that we did have a few things to hide."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 25, 1993's comic on:


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Dilbert stands across from the Boss's desk and says, "Government statistics show that office productivity went DOWN as computers became widely used." Dilbert continues, "But I didn't believe it." Dilbert says, "So I wrote a little software program to test that conclusion." Dilbert continues, "It only tood a month, but it produced some impressive data." Dilbert continues, "In fact, it was so impressive it took a week to figure out how to print it." Dilbert continues, "But before I could print, my computer crashed and I didn't have backup copies." Dilbert concludes, "So, it seems the government was right; computers are to blame for the decline in productivity." The Boss asks, "Do you think the employees could be partly responsible?" Dilbert replies, "Sure, find a scapegoat."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 22, 2010's comic on:


Tags #meeting, #definition of success, #slowing of failure, #rate of doing nothing, #improve

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The Boss says, "The company is happy to annouce that compaired to previous years, we improved our rate of revenue decline." The Boss says, "We've been doing great since we redefined success as a slowing of failure." The Boss says, "Moving on. Who has a status report?" Wally says, "I improved my rate of doing nothing."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 04, 2013's comic on:


Tags #avarice, #executives, #products decline, #amrketing, #improving, #huge raises, #money

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Boss: Our products are getting worse every day. But our marketing keeps improving. We're very close to the point where our customers will give us money for no reason. Then we can give ourselves huge raises and do no work at all. CEO: I like everything you said, except the "we" part.