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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 20, 1995's comic on:


Tags #angel, #promoted top angel, #angel on earth, #help people, #mission assigned, #halo given, #Wally, #new hair, #buns of steel, #price list

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Angel 1: Mister Dogbert, we've decided to send you back to earth as an angel. Your mission is to help people in need. We have given you special powers. Angel 2: We'll be watching. wally: Okay, is whats the price for the new hair plus buns of steel? Ahem. Dogbert: Ist all on the price sheet.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 21, 1995's comic on:


Tags #special powers, #angel, #Dogbert, #snap of paw, #what people want, #instinctive, #boobs on man, #aim sticks

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Dilbert and Dogbert sit at a table in a restaurant. Dilbert asks, "Are you saying that you're an angel now? And you have special powers to help people." Dilbert replies, "Exactly. I instinctively know what people want and I can give it to them with a snap of the paw." Dogbert snaps in the direction of the waitress. Dilbert asks, "Are you having any trouble controlling it?" Dogbert says, "My aim stinks." Behind them, a waiter looks shocked to see that he suddenly has large breasts. The waitress looks angry.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 01, 2007's comic on:


Tags #dog senslved, #basement, #make running shoes, #eyes, #inexpensive, #footwear

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ELbonian: "Please help me. Your dog has enslaved my people in your basement and forced us to make running shoes!" Dilbert: "GAAA!!! MY EYES!!!" pssst "I like to help people, but I also like inexpensive footwear."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 03, 2010's comic on:


Tags #tech support, #sit down, #talk, #stool, #computer, #headset, #technical problems, #trick, #hurt, #pessimism, #angry, #technology

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Dilbert says, "It's not right to use your tech support job to trick people into hurting themselves." Dogbert says, "I help people take their minds off of hopeless technical problems." Dilbert says, "How do you know a problem is hopeless?" Dogbert says, "Great. So now pessimism is a crime?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 22, 2015's comic on:


Tags #weight, #dieting, #willpower, #denial, #circular logic, #eating, #health, #happiness, #weight loss, #obesity, #psychology, #medical

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Dilbert: I invented a device that can help people lose weight. Boss: I wouldn't need that because I have willpower. Dilbert: Then why are you overweight? Boss: This is temporary. Dilbert: You've looked exactly the same for years. Boss: I can lose this weight any time I want. Dilbert: So... are you saying you choose to be less healthy than you could be? Boss: I'm saying I'd rather be happy than healthy. Dilbert: Are you happy? Boss: No, because I'm hungry. Dilbert: And eating will make you happy? Boss: Well, I usually eat until I'm sick.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 01, 1994's comic on:


Tags #fired, #hired back, #other people are smarter, #wally is dumb, #boss is dumb, #more money

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Dilbert: Wally? I thought you got fired. Wally: I did. But people outside the company appear smarter, so they hired me back as a consultant for way more money. wally: Did you understand that? Don't feel embarrassed to ask for help on the hard stuff.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 21, 1999's comic on:


Tags #dogbert consults, #eliminate phone support, #via internet, #discourage people, #ominous list, #personal questions

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Caption: "Dogbert Consults" Sogbert stands on the boss's desk. DOgbert says, "Eliminate phone support for your product. Provide help only via the internet." Dogbert's tail wags and he says, "Then discourage people by making them answer an ominous list of personal questions." Man looks terrified in front of his computer the computer screen reads, "1. What is your home address? 2. When do you shower?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 20, 2000's comic on:


Tags #more work, #fewer people, #future version, #via time machine, #porject, #unmotivated

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Dilbert tells the Boss: "As requested, I came up with a plan for doing more work with fewer people." He points to a picture of a contraption: "A future version of me will arrive via time machine to help on the project..." He continues: "...unless you say something now that makes me unmotivated."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 08, 2000's comic on:


Tags #generic self help, #consultant, #keep a journal, #lead by example, #business

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Dogbert says to Dilbert as they sit together at the kitchen table, "I've decided to become a generic self-help consultant." Dogbert continues, "I'll tell people to keep a journal of all their thoughts. Then I'll bill them." Dilbert asks Dogbert, "How would that help anyone?" Dogbert replies, "I lead by example, my friend."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 04, 2003's comic on:


Tags #smarter not harder, #important looking document, #pretend to be angry, #avoid people, #more problems, #shirt toothpaste color, #smells minty

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Asok walks into Wally's cubicle and says, "Wally, can you teach me to work smarter, not harder?" Wally reaches for a stack of papers and says, "Grab an important-looking document and follow me." As they're walking, Wally says, "Walk briskly and pretend to be angry about what you're reading." Asok makes a mean face and says, "Grrrr." A co-worker approaches Wally and Asok and says, "Hey, Asok, would you help me...?" Wally and Asok both stare at their papers and say, "Grrrr." The co-worker continues, "Never mind." Wally says to Asok, "As a rule, people try to avoid anyone who has more problems than they do." Wally continues, "Lesson two: make sure your shirt and your toothpaste are the same color." Wally points to his shirt and says, "This baby is covered with toothpaste stains, but you'd never know it." Asok exclaims, "Wow!" Wally continues, "And how often do you need to launder a shirt that smells minty?" Asok exclaims, "Never!"